First | Text | Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

[pluggedintheoverlord]

[Joker, being the paragon of professionalism that he is, has taken Garrus Vakarian's book. There was only one thing that he could possibly do with it: pretend to be Garrus and say horrible, hideous shit to everyone, ever.]

[You're welcome.]

I'm Garrus Vakarian and this is your favorite raptor johnson on the Citadel.

[It's really hard for him to, y'know, not laugh while he's writing this.]

Some people call me Archangel; all-around turian bad boy and dispenser of extensive lessons in cross-species diplomacy, if you get my drift. I also calibrate cannons on the side, so if anybody needs a little calibrating, I'm very good with a weapon. I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink. If not, we could always test my reach and your flexibility.

Think about it.

[[ooc: All responses and this post will appear to be coming from Garrus Vakarian, the poor bastard.]]

Comments

written

[sheparrrrrd]

What kind of universe do you come from again?

This is Inky, but Sheepi's letting me use her account

[calibrating]

Whatever universe you want, Shepard.

you rascals you

[sheparrrrrd]

No.

I'm so sorry.

[calibrating]

C'mon, Shepard. How about we have a little sparring match?

We can have the tiebreaker in your quarters.

No, you're not.

[sheparrrrrd]

Did someone stash some alcohol somewhere and not tell me?

[voice]

[maskedtyrant]

[Yes. This is an acceptable troll and Codi wants to cash in on it while she has the chance--especially if this isn't a joke, and she ends up being the one doing the trolling.]

So forward! And exotic! Are all Turians such charmers, or are you feeling a bit desperate after not having anyone to cuddle with during that cold snap?

[text]

[calibrating]

[No one would ever mistake Joker's voice for Garrus', so he was going to stick to text.]

Can't say I was cold at all, if you get me. Turians run hotter than humans, anyway, so you could say I was a hot commodity.

Why, are you looking for a bedwarmer? I might be able to help you out.

[text]

[maskedtyrant]

Is that so? And then once the cold wore off they left you so quickly that you had to advertise? What a shame!

[text]

[calibrating]

It's more that they couldn't keep up with me.

[voice]

[maskedtyrant]

[Switching back to voice, because she wants to make this guy as uncomfortable as possible if she can help it.]

Oh I'm sure. Must be something to do with the scales--the chafing I imagine must be very appealing.

text; because this is too funny not to reply to

[herofacade]

[All of these innuendos are going straight over his head, but wow, does this ever look like a weird thing to put up. He'll just write back, it's not exactly pretty but it's legible.]

How can you calibrate a cannon here? Last I checked these things are super low tech. Unless you go about it in a low tech way.

And what's shooting a cannon got to do with reach and flexibility anyway?

[Yup, he's probably unintentionally making this worse.]

text

[calibrating]

[Okay, so this one was a little more dense than he was used to; Joker could work with it, though. He just had to be a little more obvious.]

The cannons I'm talking about aren't mounted onto ships.

text

[herofacade]

[Now that's even more confusing.]

Well, where the heck would it be mounted? Can't see many places you could put it.

text

[calibrating]

In my pants.

[Obvious enough for you?]

text

[herofacade]

In your-?

[Oh. And he drops his pen right as he realizes it.]

2/3

[herofacade]

[Oh god, what the hell did he just read?!]

3/3 text

[herofacade]

[And he quickly writes back]

Are you kidding me!? There are probably KIDS reading this! KIDS!

written

[normandeering]

Did you lose a bet or something?

written

[calibrating]

No, but I'd be willing to make one with you.

My reach or your flexibility-- which one do you think would win out?

written

[normandeering]

That's not much of a bet at all.

written

[calibrating]

I do have an impressive reach. Among other things.

[Hey bby hey bby]

written

[stolenmemories]

10 gold coins to whoever hijacked Garrus' journal. You'll probably going to need it when he finds you.

written

[calibrating]

What are you talking about? I am Garrus Vakarian, reaper advisor to the Hierarchy and in possession of the biggest stick up my ass of my entire species. Accept no substitutes.

[Good job for figuring out the gambit, Kasumi.]

Re: written

[stolenmemories]

I'll double the coin if you can make that last sentence into a haiku.

written

[calibrating]

Garrus Vakarian
Behold, the stick up my ass.
Calibrations.