First | Text | Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

[pluggedintheoverlord]

[Joker, being the paragon of professionalism that he is, has taken Garrus Vakarian's book. There was only one thing that he could possibly do with it: pretend to be Garrus and say horrible, hideous shit to everyone, ever.]

[You're welcome.]

I'm Garrus Vakarian and this is your favorite raptor johnson on the Citadel.

[It's really hard for him to, y'know, not laugh while he's writing this.]

Some people call me Archangel; all-around turian bad boy and dispenser of extensive lessons in cross-species diplomacy, if you get my drift. I also calibrate cannons on the side, so if anybody needs a little calibrating, I'm very good with a weapon. I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink. If not, we could always test my reach and your flexibility.

Think about it.

[[ooc: All responses and this post will appear to be coming from Garrus Vakarian, the poor bastard.]]

Comments

[voice]

[maskedtyrant]

[Switching back to voice, because she wants to make this guy as uncomfortable as possible if she can help it.]

Oh I'm sure. Must be something to do with the scales--the chafing I imagine must be very appealing.

[text]

[calibrating]

[And he'll stick to the text, thanks.]

Some people are into that sort of thing. Generally they're more distracted by how I handle my weapon, though.

Ever thought about learning how to shoot with a turian? I could let you practice on my rifle.

[voice]

[maskedtyrant]

[Of course he will, that's the smart thing to do. Not that Codi isn't going to press him about it anyways.]

Honey, learning how to satisfy some kind of sentient lizard is the last thing on my mind, let me assure you. I'm a one-date-minimum kind of girl when it comes to other species.

...But I dunno--maybe turians are more charming than you've let on? It'd be a bit easier to tell if you'd talk to me. I do love a good serenade.

[text]

[calibrating]

Excuse you, I'm not a lizard. More of a dino-cat-birdman.

[The distinction was clearly important.]

I would love to talk to you, except that my voice is so unbelievably sexy that it's been outlawed in certain sections of Citadel space. There were riots. It's just too dangerous, I can't risk it.

It's for your own safety.

[voice]

[maskedtyrant]

...Eh, close enough.

[Tact? What is that and where can she get it?]

What a pity! And I was so looking forward to being swept off my feet by an alien reptile. Judging from the other responses you've had, it sounds like you need a lucky break!

Alas, without the sound of your sweet voice, I'm afraid our forbidden love will be unable to flourish. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor. I eagerly await meeting the real Garrus so I can show him this entry and see the look on his face.

[text]

[calibrating]

It's been fun. Vakarian's gonna kill me when he sees this, but I think it's been worth it.

I have one request:

Remember me, weird girl with the lizard fetish. Tell my story.

[The story of how he impersonated Garrus Vakarian and was never heard from again. Also, if he's going down, he's taking the birdman with him.]

[voice]

[maskedtyrant]

Farewell, my fake reptilian prince!

[Surely the most beautiful story ever told.]