[slightly backdated to Christmas. One can hear a crinkle of paper as well as the sound of a bottle being placed on a table.]

Does this happen often, mysterious roaming ships mysteriously giving away gifts? Not that I'm complaining, but I'm certainly hoping they weren't expecting me to give this rum back.

The treasure chest filled with coins and jewels made of sweets, however, was something of a terrible tease. I'll admit they're a tad sight better than torn trousers, but I'm hardly satisfied. [aaand her voice has dropped down to a purr at that word] Perhaps I can get some of you to help.

[Joker, being the paragon of professionalism that he is, has taken Garrus Vakarian's book. There was only one thing that he could possibly do with it: pretend to be Garrus and say horrible, hideous shit to everyone, ever.]

[You're welcome.]

I'm Garrus Vakarian and this is your favorite raptor johnson on the Citadel.

[It's really hard for him to, y'know, not laugh while he's writing this.]

Some people call me Archangel; all-around turian bad boy and dispenser of extensive lessons in cross-species diplomacy, if you get my drift. I also calibrate cannons on the side, so if anybody needs a little calibrating, I'm very good with a weapon. I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink. If not, we could always test my reach and your flexibility.

Think about it.

[[ooc: All responses and this post will appear to be coming from Garrus Vakarian, the poor bastard.]]

[If the voice speaking in this posting sounds like it belongs to someone who's spent the majority of his life chain-smoking, then it's probably because you've never heard a drell talk before. Which is fine. Less chance of him being mistaken for someone else, maybe.]

If it's true that what I speak to this book can be heard by others, then perhaps this might be an efficient means of locating some individuals.

I'm looking for Commander Shepard and any crew members from the Normandy SR-2.

[A pause]

And if there is no information to be had on my crew, if anyone is willing to share general or specific information about this place, it would be greatly appreciated. Where I might find a reliable medical clinic, or whether there are any other drell here, for instance.

Thank you.

[And that's it for this polite, gravelly-voiced gentleman's request.]

[Yes, voice is what you get because Shepard is accustomed to dictation software with his omni-tool.]

This is Commander Shepard, Systems Alliance Navy. Considering the crew of the Normandy and I only had enough time to gently interrogate the locals on the main island before we were kindly asked to leave, the location of a friendly port or merchant ship to restock supplies would be appreciated.

I would also like to personally extend my thanks to the person responsible.

[All the fucking sarcasm in the world.]

Shepard out.

( [private to the Normandy] )