First | Text | Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

[pluggedintheoverlord]

[Joker, being the paragon of professionalism that he is, has taken Garrus Vakarian's book. There was only one thing that he could possibly do with it: pretend to be Garrus and say horrible, hideous shit to everyone, ever.]

[You're welcome.]

I'm Garrus Vakarian and this is your favorite raptor johnson on the Citadel.

[It's really hard for him to, y'know, not laugh while he's writing this.]

Some people call me Archangel; all-around turian bad boy and dispenser of extensive lessons in cross-species diplomacy, if you get my drift. I also calibrate cannons on the side, so if anybody needs a little calibrating, I'm very good with a weapon. I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink. If not, we could always test my reach and your flexibility.

Think about it.

[[ooc: All responses and this post will appear to be coming from Garrus Vakarian, the poor bastard.]]

Comments

written

[sheparrrrrd]

What kind of universe do you come from again?

This is Inky, but Sheepi's letting me use her account

[calibrating]

Whatever universe you want, Shepard.

you rascals you

[sheparrrrrd]

No.

I'm so sorry.

[calibrating]

C'mon, Shepard. How about we have a little sparring match?

We can have the tiebreaker in your quarters.

No, you're not.

[sheparrrrrd]

Did someone stash some alcohol somewhere and not tell me?

No, I'm not.

[calibrating]

No, but I know somewhere else that I can stash something.

[Protip: the something was his dick.]

[sheparrrrrd]

[Dear god. Why?]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're not talking about your rifle, are you?

[calibrating]

[Because Joker, that's why.]

I'm talking about a rifle. It's just not the one I shoot husks with.

[sheparrrrrd]

[He can't write the facepalm he just did into the journal.]

[Yeah, he fucking walked right into that one.]

[He sort of wishes he was kind of artistic so he could draw a big middle-finger right here.]

[Just stunned silence here represented by nothing written back at all.]

[calibrating]

[Joker is just about dying over here. It's actually getting really hard to write.]

Are you ready to be a one-turian kind of man? Once you go raptor, there's no one else after.

[sheparrrrrd]

[There is no way this is Garrus, not in a billion alternate universes.]

I've never heard that one.

[He is like a mix of awkwardly uncomfortable and angrily confused.]

[calibrating]

How about I show you instead?

[And Joker is a mix of asshole and bastard.]

[sheparrrrrd]

[What the hell sort of universe turns Garrus Vakarian into the most aggressively forward pervert ever?]

I'll take a raincheck this time.

[And every fucking time.]

[calibrating]

[The kind of universe in which Garrus Vakarian is played by Joker.]

[This is getting a little meta.]

Just let me know when you want to blow off a little steam. I'll be here.

[sheparrrrrd]

[He's not going to even respond to this one. He'll just shut his journal and avoid Garrus for a few days until he figures out what the hell that was all about.

And you can bet your ass Joker is going to pay for this eventually. Oh yes.]