piratejournal | [Voice]

It was really awesome! It was soft even though it's a little wet, and it did splash me! How did you know?

[It was really fun to go to the aquarium and pet things, plan a heist and go look at all the fish.]

What is that? It sounds huge!

Well, that's what they like to do, stingrays, so I kinda figured...

[He's faltering a little. Lea must have been having a bitch of a time- this is hard.]

Uh- well, it's this giant, old shark- so big it wouldn't even notice you if you fell in the ocean. It'd just snort you up. It wouldn't even be a fight or anything cool like that. That's the thing about the ocean, man, it's so big, there's things in it that make people look like ants. And even if you gave ants like, giant bombs for ants, it wouldn't make any difference against people, right? That's what it's like for these ocean things, like krakens and megalodons. They can't even acknowledge us 'cause it's like we don't exist.

Really? Is there something that big in the ocean? Wouldn't I have seen it?

[Still sounding more in awe than anything.]

Nah, man- the ocean is just that big. It covers the whole planet, except where there are the little islands spotting over it. Think about one person, and then how big a planet is- and then how deep the ocean must go. And how much space that is. And how much stuff can fit in that space. And just how big some of that stuff could get. And we'd never know.

[Jesse is successfully freaking himself out now.]

It's just like space. There's no end to space! Space just keeps going! What's out there? How can it not end? There's got to be an end!

It is?

[He tries to imagine it he really does, but he can't even comprehend that kind of size.]

Keeps going on...forever?

[There's a thought that's strong enough to make his head hurt.]

Forever

[It hurts Jesse's head too.]

It never stops. Any direction. Up, down, left right, it just keeps going. There's no end. Ever. There's planets out there that if they sent some kind of ship today, the sun would have exploded before it ever got to us, because it would take that freaking long. The light that we see now originated on the sun like, millions of years ago, and it just now got here because it's that far away. And that's considered close.

[Roxas whines.]

I don't like that! How do you know when you're at the end? I don't like space!

[Congratulations, he's now afraid of space.]

[At least he's afraid of something!]

You can't know because there isn't any end, man, that's the point! It's forever! It's the song that never ends!

[The reference is lost on him really.]

Lea!

[He calls him and there's footsteps on the deck as he goes to find his best friend to cling to. It takes a couple of minutes.]

I don't like that. I don't want to be in space.

Well, then you should stick in the atmosphere on the planet, shouldn't you?

[It's hard not to sound smug, but he does manage it.]

How do I do that? Tell me!

[Real nice, being smug about scaring a kid. Roxas doesn't want to think about being in a vast, dark, empty space.]

[Hey, sometimes you gotta scare a kid to teach 'em a lesson!]

Well, you just gotta be careful. Don't do anything too crazy. If you don't know exactly what's going on, or where something's gonna take you, you think it through first. You stick with the people you know you can trust to really take care of you- the people who do it because they want to, not because they're gettin' something out of it- and you watch your step. You don't wanna be getting on some boat with people you don't know and then findin' out later that it's goin' to the moon, right?

[That's a lot of advice all at once. He's not the best at any of those things, except the part about sticking with Lea.]

I...I don't know! I just stay with Lea. He found this boat.

Well, does he care about you without wanting anything back? Then stick with him. He'll look out for you.

I don't think he wants anything back. He never said anything about it, he's my best friend.

[He smiles a little.]

I know he'll look out for me, he does it all the time! Ever since I appeared!

If he's your best friend, then you stick with him. Friends look after each other. He won't let you float out into space.

And if he's worried about you, take it seriously, yo. Friends worry for good reasons. And friends should listen to friends.

That's true. If I floated out into space he'd come and get me.

[The fact that would kill him is not even one he knows.]

I listen to him all the time! [He does not.] I don't know why he's worried. He's worried cause I'm broken. Wait, not broken...he said...uh...he said naive. That was it.

[Lea doesn't like it when he says broken.]

[His voice takes on a slight edge.]

Yeah, you're not broken. Naive isn't broken. Just means you don't know all the bad things about the world, that's all. It's not a bad way to be, just means... it's easier to get hurt.

You'd have to know a lot more about those bad things before you got broken.

That's not why I'm broken. It's 'cause I don't do what I'm supposed to. Like Lea said I'm supposed to be scared of the ocean, but I'm not. I don't get scared a lot.

[It's not an emotion he's super familiar with yet.]

A lot of times I don't feel things right, and I don't get things. That's why I'm broken, but Lea doesn't like that. He says I'm not broken, just naive. 'Course I'm not supposed to feel anything at all, so I was weird to begin with.

[Jesse laughs shortly.]

Hell, that's not being broken- that's just being. You don't feel right? You get this feeling like you're just supposed to feel something, but you just don't, or you feel the wrong thing? If that's being broken, then you've got company, man. Sometimes you just feel completely empty, even when shit's going on around you that you should care about. Or you just feel too much, when there's nothing happening at all. Any of that sound familiar?

[Excuse him while he sounds completely in awe.]

Yes! Sometimes it's exactly like that! I'm trying really hard but sometimes I can't feel what Lea wants me to! And..and sometimes I feel too much a lot when I'm trying to remember everything but I can't. I can't remember everything or, or understand everything...

[He has a hard time understanding.]

But I'm supposed to be completely empty so it's really confusing for me. I mean, Lea used to tell me that, but now he thinks maybe I have a heart.

Well, that's exactly how I feel a lot of the time. So it's not like it's just you. You're not alone, okay? And if you feel like that, then you have a heart. That's where all those feelings come from. Kid like you, I dunno why anyone would ever question that. You've got one of the biggest hearts I've seen in a while.

And you're gonna feel what you're gonna feel. Not what someone else wants you to.

[His eyes are completely wide and he gasps in surprise at Jesse's comments. It takes him a moment to respond, his voice a little unsteady. He's not upset, just the opposite. It's overwhelming in the BEST way.]

You really think so?

[He's grinning really wide.]

I know...I can't just feel what other people want me to, it doesn't seem to work like that, but...but I...you think my heart got big?

I hope so. I really want a heart...then maybe...

[He doesn't bother to keep the smile out of his voice.]

...Yeah. I do. I didn't know you before, but I know you now. And you got a big heart, kid. Big and bright and strong. And you can do anything you want with it.

[Jesse is getting the biggest hug the next time Roxas lays eyes on him.]

I..I hope so! I think if I have a big heart then maybe Lea really will be able to save me. Sora has to listen, right?

[He explained absolutely nothing to Jesse, but that isn't something he remembers anyway.]