piratejournal | [Voice]

[Hey, sometimes you gotta scare a kid to teach 'em a lesson!]

Well, you just gotta be careful. Don't do anything too crazy. If you don't know exactly what's going on, or where something's gonna take you, you think it through first. You stick with the people you know you can trust to really take care of you- the people who do it because they want to, not because they're gettin' something out of it- and you watch your step. You don't wanna be getting on some boat with people you don't know and then findin' out later that it's goin' to the moon, right?

[That's a lot of advice all at once. He's not the best at any of those things, except the part about sticking with Lea.]

I...I don't know! I just stay with Lea. He found this boat.

Well, does he care about you without wanting anything back? Then stick with him. He'll look out for you.

I don't think he wants anything back. He never said anything about it, he's my best friend.

[He smiles a little.]

I know he'll look out for me, he does it all the time! Ever since I appeared!

If he's your best friend, then you stick with him. Friends look after each other. He won't let you float out into space.

And if he's worried about you, take it seriously, yo. Friends worry for good reasons. And friends should listen to friends.

That's true. If I floated out into space he'd come and get me.

[The fact that would kill him is not even one he knows.]

I listen to him all the time! [He does not.] I don't know why he's worried. He's worried cause I'm broken. Wait, not broken...he said...uh...he said naive. That was it.

[Lea doesn't like it when he says broken.]

[His voice takes on a slight edge.]

Yeah, you're not broken. Naive isn't broken. Just means you don't know all the bad things about the world, that's all. It's not a bad way to be, just means... it's easier to get hurt.

You'd have to know a lot more about those bad things before you got broken.

That's not why I'm broken. It's 'cause I don't do what I'm supposed to. Like Lea said I'm supposed to be scared of the ocean, but I'm not. I don't get scared a lot.

[It's not an emotion he's super familiar with yet.]

A lot of times I don't feel things right, and I don't get things. That's why I'm broken, but Lea doesn't like that. He says I'm not broken, just naive. 'Course I'm not supposed to feel anything at all, so I was weird to begin with.

[Jesse laughs shortly.]

Hell, that's not being broken- that's just being. You don't feel right? You get this feeling like you're just supposed to feel something, but you just don't, or you feel the wrong thing? If that's being broken, then you've got company, man. Sometimes you just feel completely empty, even when shit's going on around you that you should care about. Or you just feel too much, when there's nothing happening at all. Any of that sound familiar?

[Excuse him while he sounds completely in awe.]

Yes! Sometimes it's exactly like that! I'm trying really hard but sometimes I can't feel what Lea wants me to! And..and sometimes I feel too much a lot when I'm trying to remember everything but I can't. I can't remember everything or, or understand everything...

[He has a hard time understanding.]

But I'm supposed to be completely empty so it's really confusing for me. I mean, Lea used to tell me that, but now he thinks maybe I have a heart.

Well, that's exactly how I feel a lot of the time. So it's not like it's just you. You're not alone, okay? And if you feel like that, then you have a heart. That's where all those feelings come from. Kid like you, I dunno why anyone would ever question that. You've got one of the biggest hearts I've seen in a while.

And you're gonna feel what you're gonna feel. Not what someone else wants you to.

[His eyes are completely wide and he gasps in surprise at Jesse's comments. It takes him a moment to respond, his voice a little unsteady. He's not upset, just the opposite. It's overwhelming in the BEST way.]

You really think so?

[He's grinning really wide.]

I know...I can't just feel what other people want me to, it doesn't seem to work like that, but...but I...you think my heart got big?

I hope so. I really want a heart...then maybe...

[He doesn't bother to keep the smile out of his voice.]

...Yeah. I do. I didn't know you before, but I know you now. And you got a big heart, kid. Big and bright and strong. And you can do anything you want with it.

[Jesse is getting the biggest hug the next time Roxas lays eyes on him.]

I..I hope so! I think if I have a big heart then maybe Lea really will be able to save me. Sora has to listen, right?

[He explained absolutely nothing to Jesse, but that isn't something he remembers anyway.]

Uh- sure! I can't imagine anyone not listening to you, Jesus. And if Lea's your best friend, if he'll do anything for you, then he'll do anything to save you. That's for sure.

Mmm, I think sometimes people don't listen to me, but that's okay. If it's important I make them.

[Physically no doubt.]

Sora said he wants me to be my own person...so maybe we can figure that out. I just don't want to disappear.

Well, that's the spirit! You just grab people and you yell in their damn faces.

And you should be your own person. Nobody else. [He sounds juuust a little worried.]

I kind of am, but kind of not. It's really complicated.

[Didn't he mention this before? Maybe not, he can't remember much the actual conversation he had with Jesse last time.]

I'm not really a person, I'm a Nobody. Sora lost his heart and then I kind of appeared out of nowhere in Twilight Town and that's how I came to be. I'm sort of like half another person but...[But himself too]

Anyway, Sora is sleeping now and he needs me to go back and wake him up by disappearing and joining with him. I'm not supposed to exist, just Sora.

[Jesse pauses for a moment, taking all of that in. When he speaks again, there's a hard edge to his voice.]

Listen- I don't know anything about all of that, but you're a person, you hear me? You're a whole person, not some half of something. You exist. No one can tell you you're not supposed to.

Even if I want that to be true, it really can't be. If I don't go back and disappear, Sora won't wake up. Sora's the hero...I'm supposed to be Sora. [He desperately wants that to be true, that outcome to be real, but it just isn't.]

I'll try and explain what I mean. Lea used to be a Nobody like me. His name was Axel then. After I disappear, Axel does something and he dies but somehow he gets his heart back and he's Lea again. Nobodies aren't supposed to have hearts, or feelings, or anything like that. Lea has been thinking I have a heart though, that I made one. So when you said I had a really big one I...it meant a lot.

Sora is strong and when he lost his heart, well, here I am. Lea got to remember himself but I don't know anything, just what I see in dreams. I don't remember being Sora, I'm just me. So to me it's really...

[He sighs. He is afraid of something that has nothing to do with the world around him after all.]

Naminé told me. How I shouldn't exist. A lot of things happened but, Sora can't wake up and go back to normal without me. I can't stay apart from him forever.

But... [Jesse is obviously struggling to understand.] But you're not him. You're you. No matter where you came from, you're still yourself. If Lea was.. one of those things, and he's still around, then you can do it too, can't you? So what if someone else says you shouldn't exist? You do exist!

I want it. More than anything. But even if I don't know it, I am Sora. Lea, when he was Axel, he had all of his memories. He always knew everything and now he remembers being Axel too. It's just a part of his life. I'm not sure what happened but when I was born, Sora didn't stop walking around on his own, he didn't stop being Sora. He's supposed to. If I got my heart back, I'd just be Sora. Roxas...wouldn't exist anymore.

[Which is what's going to happen.]

Naminé said I would feel better.

[He isn't sure how true that is, but he can hope so.]

I know I exist. I know somehow, something got messed up and I'm not really Sora. Maybe because I made my own heart, I'm not sure but...Lea will come for me.

[Lea is right, the longer he's out by himself, the more heartbreaking it feels to face the future.]

It isn't fair.

If you're Sora, then why are you Roxas? [Seems simple enough to Jesse.] You've got a heart now. What happens to that heart if you go away?

That's just what Xemnas named me. I don't feel like Sora though...I just feel like me.

[He sounds like he's thinking about it.]

I don't know what would happen to it. I hope if it's there, maybe Lea can help me come back. I have to wake Sora, I can't change that but I really want to come back and be myself.

[Instead of his life ending the minute he leaves this place.]

Hearts don't just disappear, man. I don't care what kind of magic you guys do. You are somebody. I don't know who this Sora guy is, but he's not more important than you are. Don't act like he is.