piratejournal | [Voice]

[Excuse him while he sounds completely in awe.]

Yes! Sometimes it's exactly like that! I'm trying really hard but sometimes I can't feel what Lea wants me to! And..and sometimes I feel too much a lot when I'm trying to remember everything but I can't. I can't remember everything or, or understand everything...

[He has a hard time understanding.]

But I'm supposed to be completely empty so it's really confusing for me. I mean, Lea used to tell me that, but now he thinks maybe I have a heart.

Well, that's exactly how I feel a lot of the time. So it's not like it's just you. You're not alone, okay? And if you feel like that, then you have a heart. That's where all those feelings come from. Kid like you, I dunno why anyone would ever question that. You've got one of the biggest hearts I've seen in a while.

And you're gonna feel what you're gonna feel. Not what someone else wants you to.

[His eyes are completely wide and he gasps in surprise at Jesse's comments. It takes him a moment to respond, his voice a little unsteady. He's not upset, just the opposite. It's overwhelming in the BEST way.]

You really think so?

[He's grinning really wide.]

I know...I can't just feel what other people want me to, it doesn't seem to work like that, but...but I...you think my heart got big?

I hope so. I really want a heart...then maybe...

[He doesn't bother to keep the smile out of his voice.]

...Yeah. I do. I didn't know you before, but I know you now. And you got a big heart, kid. Big and bright and strong. And you can do anything you want with it.

[Jesse is getting the biggest hug the next time Roxas lays eyes on him.]

I..I hope so! I think if I have a big heart then maybe Lea really will be able to save me. Sora has to listen, right?

[He explained absolutely nothing to Jesse, but that isn't something he remembers anyway.]

Uh- sure! I can't imagine anyone not listening to you, Jesus. And if Lea's your best friend, if he'll do anything for you, then he'll do anything to save you. That's for sure.

Mmm, I think sometimes people don't listen to me, but that's okay. If it's important I make them.

[Physically no doubt.]

Sora said he wants me to be my own person...so maybe we can figure that out. I just don't want to disappear.

Well, that's the spirit! You just grab people and you yell in their damn faces.

And you should be your own person. Nobody else. [He sounds juuust a little worried.]

I kind of am, but kind of not. It's really complicated.

[Didn't he mention this before? Maybe not, he can't remember much the actual conversation he had with Jesse last time.]

I'm not really a person, I'm a Nobody. Sora lost his heart and then I kind of appeared out of nowhere in Twilight Town and that's how I came to be. I'm sort of like half another person but...[But himself too]

Anyway, Sora is sleeping now and he needs me to go back and wake him up by disappearing and joining with him. I'm not supposed to exist, just Sora.

[Jesse pauses for a moment, taking all of that in. When he speaks again, there's a hard edge to his voice.]

Listen- I don't know anything about all of that, but you're a person, you hear me? You're a whole person, not some half of something. You exist. No one can tell you you're not supposed to.

Even if I want that to be true, it really can't be. If I don't go back and disappear, Sora won't wake up. Sora's the hero...I'm supposed to be Sora. [He desperately wants that to be true, that outcome to be real, but it just isn't.]

I'll try and explain what I mean. Lea used to be a Nobody like me. His name was Axel then. After I disappear, Axel does something and he dies but somehow he gets his heart back and he's Lea again. Nobodies aren't supposed to have hearts, or feelings, or anything like that. Lea has been thinking I have a heart though, that I made one. So when you said I had a really big one I...it meant a lot.

Sora is strong and when he lost his heart, well, here I am. Lea got to remember himself but I don't know anything, just what I see in dreams. I don't remember being Sora, I'm just me. So to me it's really...

[He sighs. He is afraid of something that has nothing to do with the world around him after all.]

Naminé told me. How I shouldn't exist. A lot of things happened but, Sora can't wake up and go back to normal without me. I can't stay apart from him forever.

But... [Jesse is obviously struggling to understand.] But you're not him. You're you. No matter where you came from, you're still yourself. If Lea was.. one of those things, and he's still around, then you can do it too, can't you? So what if someone else says you shouldn't exist? You do exist!

I want it. More than anything. But even if I don't know it, I am Sora. Lea, when he was Axel, he had all of his memories. He always knew everything and now he remembers being Axel too. It's just a part of his life. I'm not sure what happened but when I was born, Sora didn't stop walking around on his own, he didn't stop being Sora. He's supposed to. If I got my heart back, I'd just be Sora. Roxas...wouldn't exist anymore.

[Which is what's going to happen.]

Naminé said I would feel better.

[He isn't sure how true that is, but he can hope so.]

I know I exist. I know somehow, something got messed up and I'm not really Sora. Maybe because I made my own heart, I'm not sure but...Lea will come for me.

[Lea is right, the longer he's out by himself, the more heartbreaking it feels to face the future.]

It isn't fair.

If you're Sora, then why are you Roxas? [Seems simple enough to Jesse.] You've got a heart now. What happens to that heart if you go away?

That's just what Xemnas named me. I don't feel like Sora though...I just feel like me.

[He sounds like he's thinking about it.]

I don't know what would happen to it. I hope if it's there, maybe Lea can help me come back. I have to wake Sora, I can't change that but I really want to come back and be myself.

[Instead of his life ending the minute he leaves this place.]

Hearts don't just disappear, man. I don't care what kind of magic you guys do. You are somebody. I don't know who this Sora guy is, but he's not more important than you are. Don't act like he is.

Sora is supposed to be more important than me.

[How is he not? Roxas sounds a little confused by that.]

I'm...I wasn't on the team of the good guys and I'm not a hero like Sora is. He's going to save the world, or something. Lots of people would tell you I don't matter. Well, not Lea.

Who gets to tell you that you don't matter? That's not fair. You're a person. No one person gets to be more important than another person.

You're just as important as anybody.

[Roxas seems to think about it, but his mind is going literal at the moment.]

There was Riku and DiZ and Naminé. I feel like I'm forgetting something too. Something important.

[Quite a few people told him that, actually.]

I want to be. I didn't ask to exist.

Just because they did say it doesn't mean they have the right to. Nobody ever asks to exist, but everybody that exists should have the chance to keep existing. You didn't do anything wrong. You shouldn't have it taken away from you.

I did bad things, but I don't think bad enough to have to disappear forever. I just have to.

[He hates it, he really really does.]

I have to believe Lea will find a way to save me. He wants to. Sora said too, he'd let me be myself if there's some way to do that.

[He sounds just a little like his heart is breaking.]

You gotta wanna save yourself, too. Lea can fight for it all day long, but you've gotta fight too. You gotta fight to live.

I want to. I'll fight. I just don't know how yet. I don't know what it's going to be like when I'm in Sora.

I don't think it's going to be good but I guess I don't know. What if I just fall asleep?

[That sounds more peaceful than being trapped, unable to do anything.]

We know I have to go. Lea thinks it's going to help me too and then when we're all sorted out and not all mixed up anymore, maybe I can be myself again.

[Roxas sounds incredibly hopeful. He really is pinning his hopes on Lea. He's confident too, he has faith in him.]

Man... I'm pretty much talkin' out my ass here, but you've just gotta hold onto yourself. You are you, y'know? And as long as you know who you are, nobody can change that.

It's okay. You said some nice things and I...I swear I won't forget them. I want to remember them so I can do that.

[He pauses a moment and exhales. Seriously, his nerves are a little unsteady.]

I didn't mean to get into that, I just...I don't know. I like you. I don't remember your name though.