piratejournal | voice/action for the Merrily

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voice/action for the Merrily

[there is silence a moment, just the sound of the sea to let you know the journal is open and then:]

I've decided I don't care about dating or that kind of stuff anymore.

[sent mostly to Ace and Smoker but he doesn't know how to private it or even if that's a thing really. Anyway it seemed a lot of people hadn't wanted him to think about that kind of thing in the first place so he should let them know]

I wanna be Pirate King and have all the friends I want and all the meat I want.

[and the rest of it... it didn't matter. Nothing could be better than nakama anyway. That done, he closes the journal and goes to find Smoker. He wants to spend more time with him before the race is over]

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[Just looks at him for a bit and finally tugs on one of Straw Hat's cheeks roughly.]

[Idiot brat.]

What changed your mind?

[pulls away from it and sits up. He's not as strong as Smoker right now but he will be and he doesn't want to be pulled on just because Smoker can]

Because I want everything.

Everything other than dumb stuff?

Even the dumb stuff. Which is why I don't want to do the dumb stuff. I want everything but I won't take it from someone else. It's not like meat. I don't want anything to be hidden or to be scared of it. I want as many people as I want as much as I want which is why I don't wanna do it.

[He's annoyed again for reasons he can't even express. And isn't that the crux of it really?]

[Straw Hat doesn't want to be limited by anything, and Smoker just wants to limit him, as his job, as his duty, as some obscurer part of his moral code. Because that's how laws work. How the world works. How the universe should work.]

[He wants to punch him. To tell him to grow up, to stop being so selfish, or just be selfish without remorse.]

So you only want someone to want to do things with you, regardless of the fact that you want to be selfish and do everything and want everything, and with everyone, so that's why you're avoiding it entirely--

Do you even realize how ridiculous that is?!

So what? I'm gonna do what I want. [humph]

So you always say.

[Gets up and pushes Luffy back against a wall so he can't escape, which is the point.]

And what happens when you can't have your way? Everyone just lets you do what you want, but sooner or later, something will happen you can't fight. Already you're running into this problem, aren't you?

[Narrows his eyes.] Or are you just running away?

[it doesn't make a difference to him if he's pushed against a wall or not. This was his ship and he's not afraid of Smoker at all and meets his eyes]

I can run away from what I want. Some stuff I'm not strong enough for yet and if I really want it enough or if it's important, I'll fight for it as hard as I can. Some stuff are more important than that.

[Smoker leans back, frowns, and chomps on his cigars as he thinks it over.]

So nakama are important, but that other stuff isn't, right?

[That would be back to the natural order he was talking about in the first place though, so why does it seem otherwise?]

That stuff is important but nakama are more important. [doom]

[sticks finger in nose] Ah, but maybe one day I'll change my mind again if I see some way I can have everything everything and then I'll just do it.

[It's like the most annoying part of himself that he loathes the most.]

[He wants to throw Straw Hat overboard again just for the principle of it.]

You're annoying.

[But at least it's... back to what it should be for now, right? Right.]

Who gets to decide if that stuff is important? Only you, so this whole thing has been pointless from the start.

Do me a favor, if you change your mind, leave me out of it.

No way. You're mine.

[laying claim. He didn't know what would become of it but right now he was just going to do it so if he did change his mind this would still be there]

It's not pointless though. You gotta think about stuff like this. [pats Smoker's arm]

What?! Says who?!

And I don't want to think about this stuff at all! Haven't you been paying any attention!?

Says me. And that's okay you don't gotta think about it. [pat pat] When I'm ready I'll come for you.

I. Don't. Want. That.

[He looks about ready to bite off Luffy's head.]

You can't say in the same breath that you want everything, but you don't want it, what the hell!?

Yeah but you say take what I want. So I'm gonna. And since you're a Marine, if you don't like it you gotta get stronger.

And I can say whatever I want. [digs in nose] I'm a pirate.

[Grits his teeth and debates punching Luffy before remembering that he already helped unlock Luffy's perception haki, so he just aims a hard punch for the pirate's face.]

Not everyone else gets to make those kinds of choices!

Maribelle was right. Someone is going to get hurt, and then you'll regret it.

It's one thing to say this stuff isn't necessary, that's true! But you can't then decide you'll randomly change your mind on a whim when you feel like it! How will you know?! What makes you think the world will stand still and let you take the time to get stronger?! This kind of thing is about sacrifice and not always getting what you want, which already proves you aren't strong enough for it yet!

[DEEP BREATH AND FUMES. He feels like he had this argument before with Hina from the other side.]

[Eerie.]

[He pulls out the jitte and aims it at Straw Hat's throat.]

I told you before, I go my own pace. I'm not speeding up or slowing down for anyone! GOT IT?! And I'm sure as fuck not going to diverge from my route for a god damn pirate, do you understand that yet?!

I'm not gonna hurt someone that's why I'm not gonna do it until I get strong enough if I still wanna!

[the punch hits but he just closes one eye cuz it doesn't hurt much but when the jitte is pointed at him, he grabs it away from the seastone tip, not to force it away but just so Smoker won't have all the control]

I don't get you! You say to do what I want and then you say I shouldn't! Well I'm gonna do what I want no matter what you say and I'm not going to hurt anyone either! So shut up and stay out of my way or I'll send you flying!

Don't tell me what you're going to do, just do it, if you mean it so much!

[Rolls the jitte in one hand, ready to put back in his jacket loop, but not quite willing to put it away yet either.]

I can't just do it cuz someone is going to get hurt!

[which is what they'd been talking about! That's why this stuff is stupid!

He shoves the jitte away from him and then stalks to the men's cabin, slamming the door behind him. Then he flops in a hammock face down and with an annoyed grunt, twists himself up in it.]

Ahhh! I'm so pissed!

[This stuff is stupid.]

[So stupid.]

[It shouldn't happen. Why does it have to happen? Why does it even exist? There is not a single aspect of it Smoker is even remotely okay with.]

[He leans against the wall outside the door and debates following to try to talk. Like an adult.]

[An adult marine to a teenage pirate. RIGHT... yeah that success rate is miniscule.]

[He rubs his forehead and bridge between his eyes and reluctantly comes in, and grabs the couch.]

Sometimes people have to risk getting hurt to get stronger.

[Like Tashigi, and her tears. Or Smoker and his scars.]

[But on something like this...]

[He doesn't like it.]

[He doesn't know what Straw Hat's looking for and that makes Smoker incredibly nervous and ready to bolt. And he's pretty sure Straw Hat doesn't know what he's looking for either.]

[Again, there is no single part of this Smoker is even a little okay with.]

[He's not used to feeling this confused either. And he hates that it's over something this incredibly idiotic.]

[He's annoyed again just thinking about it, he's annoyed that it is even a thing, and he's annoyed that he feels obligated to deal with it, and he's quadruply annoyed for thinking about it, and being a confused thirty-six year old dealing with brats half that age and all of them just confusing each other, none of it is right, it's all ass-backwards and wrong.]

If you don't care about dating, and we both agree it's incredibly stupid, then why the hell do you still want it?

I don't--

[He growls, clenches his teeth on the cigars and facepalms, focusing on calming down again. He was a teen once too, but it feels longer ago lately than he's even used to.]

If you only worry about hurting someone, you'll hurt yourself. [Doesn't he know that from the hard way? Or did he stop caring? Or was it something Tashigi learned or -- ugh. Too much thinking again.]

This stuff isn't...

[Isn't what? Poignant? Relevant? Meaningful? Anything to do with anything? Something he should be concerned about. Definitely that one, but Smoker can't begin to word it and he's not even sure which of them shouldn't be concerned with it. BOTH of them probably.]

Something that makes you stronger.

Did you know your parents growing up?

[he growls at Smoker when he comes in. He doesn't wanna see him,but he watches him anyway, listening and chewing on the netting of the hammock in frustration. It's all both and neither. Do it and don't do it. Have fun but be embarrassed about it. Like someone but don't be proud about it. He doesn't understand anything. You have to hurt to get stronger but you can't hurt others but it doesn't make you stronger anyway. It felt like he was going to overheat just thinking about it]

Shut up! It does make you stronger! Relying on someone is a good thing! Doing that kind of stuff is a good thing if everyone likes it! You should like who you like no matter what even if they don't like you! I'm going to like whoever I want and no one can stop me! GRAAAHHHH!

[flails around in the hammock like a fly caught in a web]

[Yeah....]

[No...]

[He is so done.]

[SO DONE.]

[He just kicks Luffy in the hammock.]

[struggles so hard he tears the hammock free from the wall and bites Smoker in the shin]

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