piratejournal | voice/action for the Merrily

[sticks finger in nose] Ah, but maybe one day I'll change my mind again if I see some way I can have everything everything and then I'll just do it.

[It's like the most annoying part of himself that he loathes the most.]

[He wants to throw Straw Hat overboard again just for the principle of it.]

You're annoying.

[But at least it's... back to what it should be for now, right? Right.]

Who gets to decide if that stuff is important? Only you, so this whole thing has been pointless from the start.

Do me a favor, if you change your mind, leave me out of it.

No way. You're mine.

[laying claim. He didn't know what would become of it but right now he was just going to do it so if he did change his mind this would still be there]

It's not pointless though. You gotta think about stuff like this. [pats Smoker's arm]

What?! Says who?!

And I don't want to think about this stuff at all! Haven't you been paying any attention!?

Says me. And that's okay you don't gotta think about it. [pat pat] When I'm ready I'll come for you.

I. Don't. Want. That.

[He looks about ready to bite off Luffy's head.]

You can't say in the same breath that you want everything, but you don't want it, what the hell!?

Yeah but you say take what I want. So I'm gonna. And since you're a Marine, if you don't like it you gotta get stronger.

And I can say whatever I want. [digs in nose] I'm a pirate.

[Grits his teeth and debates punching Luffy before remembering that he already helped unlock Luffy's perception haki, so he just aims a hard punch for the pirate's face.]

Not everyone else gets to make those kinds of choices!

Maribelle was right. Someone is going to get hurt, and then you'll regret it.

It's one thing to say this stuff isn't necessary, that's true! But you can't then decide you'll randomly change your mind on a whim when you feel like it! How will you know?! What makes you think the world will stand still and let you take the time to get stronger?! This kind of thing is about sacrifice and not always getting what you want, which already proves you aren't strong enough for it yet!

[DEEP BREATH AND FUMES. He feels like he had this argument before with Hina from the other side.]

[Eerie.]

[He pulls out the jitte and aims it at Straw Hat's throat.]

I told you before, I go my own pace. I'm not speeding up or slowing down for anyone! GOT IT?! And I'm sure as fuck not going to diverge from my route for a god damn pirate, do you understand that yet?!

I'm not gonna hurt someone that's why I'm not gonna do it until I get strong enough if I still wanna!

[the punch hits but he just closes one eye cuz it doesn't hurt much but when the jitte is pointed at him, he grabs it away from the seastone tip, not to force it away but just so Smoker won't have all the control]

I don't get you! You say to do what I want and then you say I shouldn't! Well I'm gonna do what I want no matter what you say and I'm not going to hurt anyone either! So shut up and stay out of my way or I'll send you flying!

Don't tell me what you're going to do, just do it, if you mean it so much!

[Rolls the jitte in one hand, ready to put back in his jacket loop, but not quite willing to put it away yet either.]

I can't just do it cuz someone is going to get hurt!

[which is what they'd been talking about! That's why this stuff is stupid!

He shoves the jitte away from him and then stalks to the men's cabin, slamming the door behind him. Then he flops in a hammock face down and with an annoyed grunt, twists himself up in it.]

Ahhh! I'm so pissed!

[This stuff is stupid.]

[So stupid.]

[It shouldn't happen. Why does it have to happen? Why does it even exist? There is not a single aspect of it Smoker is even remotely okay with.]

[He leans against the wall outside the door and debates following to try to talk. Like an adult.]

[An adult marine to a teenage pirate. RIGHT... yeah that success rate is miniscule.]

[He rubs his forehead and bridge between his eyes and reluctantly comes in, and grabs the couch.]

Sometimes people have to risk getting hurt to get stronger.

[Like Tashigi, and her tears. Or Smoker and his scars.]

[But on something like this...]

[He doesn't like it.]

[He doesn't know what Straw Hat's looking for and that makes Smoker incredibly nervous and ready to bolt. And he's pretty sure Straw Hat doesn't know what he's looking for either.]

[Again, there is no single part of this Smoker is even a little okay with.]

[He's not used to feeling this confused either. And he hates that it's over something this incredibly idiotic.]

[He's annoyed again just thinking about it, he's annoyed that it is even a thing, and he's annoyed that he feels obligated to deal with it, and he's quadruply annoyed for thinking about it, and being a confused thirty-six year old dealing with brats half that age and all of them just confusing each other, none of it is right, it's all ass-backwards and wrong.]

If you don't care about dating, and we both agree it's incredibly stupid, then why the hell do you still want it?

I don't--

[He growls, clenches his teeth on the cigars and facepalms, focusing on calming down again. He was a teen once too, but it feels longer ago lately than he's even used to.]

If you only worry about hurting someone, you'll hurt yourself. [Doesn't he know that from the hard way? Or did he stop caring? Or was it something Tashigi learned or -- ugh. Too much thinking again.]

This stuff isn't...

[Isn't what? Poignant? Relevant? Meaningful? Anything to do with anything? Something he should be concerned about. Definitely that one, but Smoker can't begin to word it and he's not even sure which of them shouldn't be concerned with it. BOTH of them probably.]

Something that makes you stronger.

Did you know your parents growing up?

[he growls at Smoker when he comes in. He doesn't wanna see him,but he watches him anyway, listening and chewing on the netting of the hammock in frustration. It's all both and neither. Do it and don't do it. Have fun but be embarrassed about it. Like someone but don't be proud about it. He doesn't understand anything. You have to hurt to get stronger but you can't hurt others but it doesn't make you stronger anyway. It felt like he was going to overheat just thinking about it]

Shut up! It does make you stronger! Relying on someone is a good thing! Doing that kind of stuff is a good thing if everyone likes it! You should like who you like no matter what even if they don't like you! I'm going to like whoever I want and no one can stop me! GRAAAHHHH!

[flails around in the hammock like a fly caught in a web]

[Yeah....]

[No...]

[He is so done.]

[SO DONE.]

[He just kicks Luffy in the hammock.]

[struggles so hard he tears the hammock free from the wall and bites Smoker in the shin]

[Doesn't even make a sound just stands on one leg and roughly tries to shake him off.]

[Honest to god, he's not even surprised by this.]

[Not even a little.]

[Which says something about the sorry state of his life right now.]

[HOLDS ON! ONCE LUFFY HAS DECIDED TO BITE SOMETHING HE NEVER LETS GO!

He will growl though.]

[You know at some point Hero is going to think they are playing and want to join in.]

[Smoker half doesn't care though, if he really wanted to kick Luffy off he could fade to smoke and throw him walls, but he's more annoyed than actually pained.]

[And his desire to actually attempt to bash Luffy's rubber skull in is mildly less than usual so he flomps back on the couch and casually kicks Luffy against it, as if Luffy isn't even there, much less chewing on his leg and riling up the wolf pup who totally thinks it's the best game ever.]

[The only problem is Smoker doesn't have a newspaper. 1) to read, 2) to roll up and lightly bop either of them with.]

[But the point is, he gives no fucks, he just doesn't have it in him to give the lightest damnation.]

[keeps chewing for a while before eventually just flopping there, glowering at Smoker.

Then rolls off, his back to the man. Hero sniffs at him but he ignores the wolf pup, instead just staring grumpily at the wall]

[Shoves the hat down and offers Luffy a cigar.]

[he takes off the hat. This has nothing to do with Shanks. He doesn't even know what Shanks would do for this kind of thing. Or Jiichan or Dadan or Ace or anyone. He doesn't take the cigar either]

Don't want it.

[and he doesn't know what Smoker means by it. He doesn't know what Smoker means by anything. He doesn't understand anything except dating means you get mad at people and mad in a way that hurts. That's stupid. Why is it so stupid?]

[Good. No one should want it.]

[Whatever "it" is.]

[Smoker just puts the cigar in his own mouth and smokes, and thinks, and is annoyed about thinking, and is annoyed that "it" exists, and like fuck does he have words and --]

[A sigh.]

[What does Straw Hat want?]

["Everything." No wonder with something so vague like that he's lost.]

[Smoker's half tempted to say as much. "You still don't know what you're looking for."]

[But he's said it before, why bother saying so again?]

[It's not fun. Maybe it would be if Straw Hat found the right person, but clearly that isn't something that can be forced or sped up, and Smoker really does NOT want to be that person. He can't begin to wrap his head around it. He doesn't want to either. He wants it to go back to how it should be, but it probably never will. Maybe it was never how it should "be" from the minute he first laid eyes on the brat, even before the wanted poster.]

I'm sorry for confusing you.

[He gets up and heads outside. It's true, and he doesn't regret anything, but he hates it all the same. There's not a single aspect he doesn't hate of it.]

[From that they are who they are, and they both have to go their own paces, to every single stupid bit of it. He hates the kid's smile for reminding him of Roger. He hates that he hasn't seen the smile in too long, and he hates that he's noticed that. He hates that they're not quite enemies, and he hates that justice is so warped that they're almost on the same side of justice while opposite sides of the law. He hates his duties, and obligations, and the fact that the idea of being friends with a pirate bothers him so much. Is that a weakness, or is it being friends with a pirate which is weaker? It doesn't matter, and he'll never be able to call it such anyway. He still wants to arrest Luffy, and he doesn't hate that, he just hates that he can't do that here.]

[He hates that Smoker considers himself a hunter, and that he even wanted to help the idiot find some sort of clarity... and it's not like Smoker has any for himself, so yeah right, how could he have helped him with it?]

[He hates that his own head won't shut up. That he's on this stupid ship for some reason he can't fully justify to himself, much less to others, and that he's looking for something he doesn't know what yet. Clarity? Satisfaction to curiosity? An answer he'll never get.]

[It doesn't matter.]

[Maybe he's just trying to push his own limits, to see how much he can stand, or how much he can get away with with himself, or how much freedom he has away from the brass. He half wishes Tashigi was around to reign him in. Or at least try to knock sense into him. Or give him reason not to be stupid. Maybe he's extra stupid lately because it doesn't seem to matter anymore. He's branded as a pirate no matter what he says or does, the amount of justice he can choose between seems narrower everyday...]

[Maybe they're both just lost.]

[Smoker hesitates, debating going back to find Luffy again, or going up to the crow's nest to breathe or...]

[He opens the door so Luffy can hear, but stands outside so that Luffy can choose to pretend to ignore him if he wants.]

You make your own meaning for that kind of thing. If you think it's stupid, it's always going to be stupid. [Which is why no one should try this with Smoker. It would always be stupid.] It's like... [He rubs his forehead trying to come up with a good explanation, an analogy even Luffy can get.] An adventure. [He scowls. What is his life coming to?] Maybe the payoff is worth the risk, or maybe all you'll get out of it is an experience and time with the people you share it with, but that's risk you take. [More knuckling his forehead.] I guess that kind of thing is important to you, because you want all the adventures, right? [Switches to rubbing his temples.] But I don't. I just want to make the world a better place. [Justice. Fit in...? No. But to fulfill his duty maybe. In protecting others.]

["I'm not adventurous." He can't say that. Partly out of pride, and partly because it's not true, and if he tried, it'd be too transparent. It's not that he's not adventurous, he's just a million kinds of messed up, and he just wants some things to make sense, which is not going to happen for him on a god damn pirate ship, surrounded by pirates, in yet another pirate world.]

[So there's no real answer for Luffy, but maybe there doesn't need to be one either. It's not like Smoker can't stop him when it comes down to it. After all, that's his job, isn't it?]

[it's not fair. He gets it with a sudden clarity. It's not. This kind of thing... isn't something Smoker should have to explain. Maybe he doesn't know and maybe he can't explain-- because Luffy isn't understanding. It is what he makes it but no one person can make it all by themselves. It is what two people make it and what everyone makes it. It's why you traveled with crew cuz just one person making it alone was lonely.

But it's not fair. He says that Luffy should do what he wants because he likes pirates even if he hates them. He's a weird Marine whose almost a pirate but still a Marine. But he's here because they are friends and maybe he doesn't know what else to do or how else to show it.

Maybe in some things you just had to be alone and watch and wait. Like finding a faint deer trail in the grass and watching that spot every day until you saw the deer and followed it and learned what deer were like in that place and what they ate. Maybe it was something different that he would never get. Maybe he would stop caring one day or maybe he always would.

But it wasn't fair for Smoker to be in that spot.

Luffy stands, dusting off the hat and putting it on his head. That was why there was a separation from pirates and marines. Smoker wanted to make the world a better place which is why Luffy liked him. Luffy just wanted to have fun and do whatever he wanted. It meant he could be selfish if he wanted and it meant he didn't have to be if he didn't want.]

Then don't worry about it.

[he moves past Smoker, taking one of his cigars as he goes and holding it between his teeth but he keeps on moving toward the figurehead where he belongs]

Just relax. It'll all work out.

Don't tell me what to do.

[Smoker gets moving too, to find his own out-of-the-way corner where he can pretend to be invisible again. He says it more out of habit than any real emotion though. For all his protests, he does relax slightly. Straw Hat isn't happy, but it's not the same petulant misery they both felt before. At minimum, he seems to get it more now. And that doesn't remove the cloud over Smoker's head, but at least he can breathe again with the cloud constricting his lungs.]

When you're ready, the world should be afraid.

[He partly means it in the world changing kind of effect Luffy has on everything, but also that he acknowledges that Luffy can and will do whatever he wants, and it'll be on the world to brace for it or get trampled in his wake.]

[he pauses on his way to the figurehead]

Smoker...

voice/action for the Merrily

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