piratejournal | [voice, private to Dave Strider] backdated to July 8th

Yeah, sorry about that. I have been keeping to myself lately, but we can talk. What's up?

Nothing big really. Just wanted to catch up a bit. ...And make sure you didn't get hurt during the race start cuz I kinda left the ship for a while. You weren't, right?

I'm fine. Got into a few fights, but I stayed out of the middle of the fray. It was pretty uneventful, actually. I was just hanging with the First Mate.

Oh, cool. He looked like he was still feeling kinda crappy so I'm sure he appreciated it. Good thing we didn't get boarded by too many enemies. It was pretty annoying getting shot up by theTriton's Mistress, though.

Was Grell pissed they shot at the Captain's quarters? [He hadn't seen Grell around since they arrived at Port Chance, but just kind of assumed Dave had contact with her... they were close like that, right?]

Between Kat and I we repaired the damage, but it's not like it looks like new...

I haven't seen Grell for awhile. She hasn't been around.

[It's not like her to run off either. Dave is worried. He's already lost a bunch of people. What if she never comes back?]

You've gotta expect damage in a race like that. It's really competitive, and we're pirates not athletes. It's almost more of a battle than a race.

[He was a little surprised to hear even Dave didn't know where she was. She hadn't even told him? That was odd. Not that he was real concerned for her... more concerned for Dave, really]

Yeah, it was annoying but not surprising that we got shot at. Unlike some of the more optomistic memebers of the crew, I fully expected fighting from the moment I heard of this thing, hahah...

...seriously though, even you don't know where Grell is? I thought you guys were pretty close. Did you end up asking her to be your girlfriend? [Okay he was being nosey, but Dave had mentioned he wanted to ask her before so he didn't consider the topic off-limits. Besides, he was curious]

No, I don't.

[They are pretty close. It's not like Dave follows Grell around or anything, but they do spend a lot of time together. It hurts not having her here.]

I, well... [He didn't actually use the word "girlfriend", but he doesn't think it matters.] I told her she's the only one I want. [And then they made out. It seemed pretty mutual at the time, though Dave is starting to doubt himself now that she's gone.]

Fuck, what if... what if I'm the reason she left?

[Although Dave couldn't see it through the journal, Thash smiled a bit when he said what he'd told her. That was sweet. When he expressed concern that it was his fault though, Thash shook his head... still not used to talking through books enough to realize all such body language was completely pointless]

I doubt that. She may not make much sense to me, but I can hardly see her leaving this ship and crew behind, which she clearly likes being the Captain of, for something like that. She also seems to speak her mind most of the time so she'd probably have said something to you if you were bothering her... that's what I think, anyway.

[Not like he knew her real well, but she'd certainly spoken her mind when she disapproved of Dave bringing him on board]

She did get a lot of criticism for that stunt she pulled at Deesuko Balia. If any event caused her to want to take a break, maybe it was that? Or maybe she's just got something important to do that's... extremely personal or something. I don't know. Either way, if anything I'd think you'd be a reason she'd want to stay on this ship, not leave it. So don't beat yourself up.

You're right. She's a good Captain. She'd never abandon her crew.

[That just makes Dave more worried though. Even if he isn't the reason she's gone it still doesn't mean she'll come back. Most people don't.]

I don't think it was Deesuko Balia or personal business either. She didn't even seem interested in going back to her own world, so I don't think she left willingly. Sometimes people just disappear. No one knows why. Maybe Davy Jones decided he didn't want her here. Maybe she wasn't entertaining him anymore or she caused too much trouble. No one knows what that guy's agenda is.

[he frowned, hearing the worry in Dave's voice. It was kind of a contrasting subject for Thash, being sort of happy for a break from Grell on the one hand, but feeling bad and wanting her back soon because it bothered Dave so much on the other. At least for right now, his worry was exceeding his relief at her being gone. He hadn't really considered the possibility that maybe Davy Jones had pulled her out of the world for good]

Man... That would be crazy if he just sent her back on some whim. And I remember you saying you'd lost important people before... [his voice sounded quite sad] ...I'd hate to see you have to deal with her vanishing from your life as well. I really hope that doesn't happen.

[he gave a short sigh] well, I think you can take some reassurance in one thing... If it wasn't Davy Jones and she is still in this world and able to come back, I bet she definitely will. Not just for the ship and crew, but for you. Having a relationship like that is one of the strongest motivators there is...no matter what she has to do, I think she'll come back to you.

[again, he may not know her very closely, but he sounded confident like he knew for himself about most of what he was saying.... Particularly the part about a strong relationship being excellent motivation to do whatever was needed to be with the person whom they loved]

It already has happened.

[Dave just isn't an optimist. If anything can go wrong it usually does, so he never expects much. He doesn't think she'll come back.]

At least people only disappear. They probably got sent back to their own world. That's what everyone says, but I don't know if it's true. Whatever happens, at least we don't have to watch them die. It sucks when you do. I lost some of my biggest stars that way.

[It probably sounds vain, but they weren't just actors in his films. They were his friends. He used to call and text Ben Stiller all the time, to the point where it was probably annoying. So many people he cares about are gone and there's nothing he can do about it. He wishes his sister were here. He could always talk to her about anything.]

People disappear and get killed. You never get to keep them.

[He was trying his best to be hopefuly and encouraging, but some of what Dave was saying was getting to him now. He too had lost everyone in his life that had even been important to him, in one way or another. He was trying to put all that behind him and form new bonds, but there was still a worry inside him that these might end up the same way and leave him with nothing but regret]

You had to watch some people you were close to die? [Thash didn't really know what he meant by 'stars' but the way Dave had said the word had suggested he cared about whoever these people were he was calling stars. At least he'd never had to go through that... he'd seen someone he cared about dead, but she died of old age so it wasn't the same]

That had to be terrible. I watched a friend of mine get impaled once and I thought he died... even though I found out shortly later that he was alive, it was still pretty shocking.

...There've been time when I wondered if it was worth it at all to get close to people and care about them. But you know what? I think it is. I've lived through long years of my life without caring about anyone. And during those times, it felt like I might as well be dead.

That's what happens when there's an evil sea witch hunting you down. She would kill anyone I cared about to get to me.

[And though he won't admit it, that's part of the reason Dave never got very serious with any of his past girlfriends. Some of those relationships didn't work out, but there were also some that might have if he hadn't distanced himself. He didn't want them to get killed because of him.]

I didn't watch all my friends die, but I know she killed some of them even when I didn't see it happen. It still makes me angry that they're gone.

[He sighs.]

It doesn't matter if it's worth it or not. No one can live alone.

....well. It might not be desirable, but it's possible. I lived alone for about 16 years over the course of my life. And yeah, it sucked... could barely be called living, really.

[He wondered fi that's what Dave meant int he first place. Sure, it was possible to physically live in isolation, but life like that didn't feel like life at all]

Well, I'm glad I was brought here. I don't have to live alone anymore... I may not get along perfectly with everyone on the ship, but at least it's a team I can work and live with. Honestly I'm starting to find myself kinda attached to it.

[Especially particular members of it...]

Despite all the people you've lost, I hope most of the time you can focus on the people you still have.

No, that's what I meant. You can survive, but I wouldn't call that living. Maybe it's different for shark dudes, but people need other people.

[Dave feels a little awkward saying that after he's spent so much time alone, but he isn't really alone. There are plenty of other people on the ship.]

Most of our crewmates are pretty cool. I don't know them all, but I get along with most of them so far. I had my own ship before I came here, but I never had many crewmates, so this is better.

[He doesn't have many people left to focus on if Grell doesn't come back. Dave won't say that though. Thash is trying to cheer him up, so he'll try not to complain too much.]

[Thash gave a short sigh] no, it's the same for me. Maybe it wouldn't be if I had less human blood, but apparently I have enough to share that human trait.

[he was thoughtful for a moment as Dave mentioned the crew and his own ship before]

Yeah, it must've been kinda hard living in a world like this with a small crew. And then it's even worse if you lose a member because there aren't many to start with... It is nice to be on a crew with a decent amount of people.

[but of course, if Thash was honest with himself, it wasn't just being around people he was enjoying. If he had no significant relationship with any of them, he'd probably be a lot like Dave's been recently and just spend most of his time alone in his room. Without Dave even mentioning Grell, Thash was thinking along the same lines]

....but it's not just people around we need, is it. It's possible to live near people, even lots of them, and still feel alone. We need closeness, relationships, friendships.... And to really feel alive we need someone who's closer than a friend. Am I right?

I never had more than two, so... yeah.

[And they never stayed around very long. Dave's friends weren't the only ones disappearing. He lost more crew members that way. Maybe he just wasn't meant to be a Captain.]

The bigger crews get all the new people, win all the competitions. I don't blame people for not wanting to join up with a lone dude on a sailboat. I thought it'd be easier here with more people around.

[And it was, for awhile. It's just not the same without Grell though.]

It depends on how close your friends are. I think you can love a friend as much as a romantic partner. It's a different kind of love, but that doesn't mean it's weaker. I don't have any friends like that though.

Hm... I don't know much about that, maybe because I haven't had a lot of friends. I did have one friend I liked a lot. [He was reluctant to use the word love. That would sound weird] He almost died during attempts to help me out more than once... I would've done the same for him. I don't know if I can say I felt as strongly about him as a romanic partner, though... I don't don't really know jack about how close people usually are to their families.

...you don't have a friend like that now, but have you had one in the past? What made you like them so much?

No, I haven't. I saw other people with friends like that and I always wanted one.

[That's only part of the story though. Dave knows he had a friend like that in another life. His sister told him about it. It was pretty surreal. He doesn't remember any of it and he doesn't know if he believes it sometimes. But then there's this emptiness, like a long lost memory. He misses someone but he doesn't know why.]

Romance and attraction are great, but they don't always last. I want someone who will be there for me. Someone I can talk to and rely on. The only person I ever had was my sister. I guess you could say she was the best friend I had, but I wanted other friends like that too.

Oh...gotcha. I know what it's like to wish you had people to be close to.[
[he was no stranger to the feeling of missing someone or feeling empty, but he knew exactly where those feelings came from. It'd be strange to have them but no explanation for them]

Well... You might not know me very well and who knows if Davy Jones will let us both stick around long enough for a strong friendship to form, but if ya come out of your cabin more often I'll hang out with you. And not just to be your bodyguard.

[it sounded kind of weird saying something like that. It was probably unusual, too. He didn't really know. He just knew it sucked to sit around by yourself missing people and wanting to have someone to talk to and be close to. He liked Dave and didn't want him sitting around feeling like that]

[It's just weird. If it weren't for his sister Dave would've just brushed it off. Everyone feels lonely sometimes. It's a be more ironic for him though. He used to be surrounded by people who adore him. He wasn't supposed to feel alone.]

Nah, you're already my friend, bro. I don't know everything about you, but you've been there for me. That's what matters.

[though Dave couldn't see it, Thash smiled to himself a bit. It was nice to know Dave felt that way, even though they hadn't known each other all that long yet. Well, if they were friends, that meant he could mess with him a little to cheer him up right?]

Yeah, I'm here for you. But since we're such buddies maybe I should come bug you more often. Hang out in your room, eat your food, talk about guy stuff... Friends do that right?

[he was mostly trying to be funny and get a laugh out of Dave, but his sense of humor was pretty dry so he didn't know if it would work...hopefully it'd get him to smile at least]

You can hang out in my room, but I don't have food in here. I don't eat. I absorb nutrients through osmosis.

[Seriously though, he doesn't keep food in there. He just makes random trips into the kitchen. Dave doesn't eat much to begin with.]

We can talk about all of the guy stuff though. Sports, women, beer, fast cars...

[Thash hadn't been expecting Dave to take him seriously, but now that he thought about it, it would be fun to go hang out with him and talk about stuff, especially when Dave is feeling down]

[he laughed a bit about Dave's comment about food...he doesn't know what osmosis is but it sounds funny]

Hahah...right. That's fine, I was kidding. I don't keep food in my room either, that's a good way to attract rats.

It'd be cool to hang out and talk sometime though. Next time we're on an island and you're feeling crappy in your room I'll come bug you. Or any time really, just let me know.

[he's not sure what cars are or what about them is fast. But Dave's use of words he doesn't know doesn't discourage him- he just figures he'll learn a lot from talking to the guy]

I don't think we have any cats to kill them either. Shit, do you think this is like... the era of the black plague? I hope we don't have any rats.

[He isn't really as worried about it as he sounds though. Dave hasn't seen any rats since he got here. The first mate usually keeps things pretty clean.]

You can come bug me right now. Seriously. Not like I've got anything better to do but sit here and talk your ear off. You might regret it though. Like, I don't know how sturdy shark ears are compared to human ears but I'm pretty sure my monologues have left people bleeding before.

[He's just kidding. But seriously, Dave will talk forever as long as someone's there to listen.]

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