piratejournal | [Written]

Oh believe me, every expectation I had for myself and for my future have completely gone out the window. Again, that happened before I came here. Now that I am still alive, I'm struggling to figure out what I am supposed to be doing.

[Because this was not the game plan]

I don't feel like I have any goals. Nothing to strive towards. I allowed myself to focus on my relationship with Riku and that...was an unwise decision on my part. I don't know what I was thinking. It was nice, but it didn't work out.

[At this point, he shouldn't be surprised.]

How could it though?

[That was something he never did, focus on his relationship with Selphie completely. Maybe that was the problem, maybe if he had focused on it and catered to her expectations and wants, things would have been different. But then, what would have been of himself? Nothing good, he's sure of it, in the long run, he would have exploded eventually, or come to hate himself enough to make living even a worse pain than it already is.]

It would be an unwise decision on anyone's part, to focus on a relationship with someone else. People may need others, but we can't live on in anyway if we depend on others like that.

[A sigh.]

Who knows? Maybe it could have worked out, had things been different. But "what if"s hardly serve for anything but to torture oneself.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. It was completely foolish. I made a promise though so I can't go off and die somewhere.

[A promise that wears on him quite a bit.]

No. Considering why we broke up, I don't think it would have. Eventually he would have broken it off with me. He just didn't really care for me that way. Not like he does someone else.

[He exhales a little.]

I don't know why I let it get to the point of a relationship. I always knew being in one would cause me nothing but trouble, it was something I just wasn't going to pursue. Now look where I am. Tch.

[He sounds a little disgusted with himself.]

What the heck is wrong with me?

Even if you died you would still end back here.

[It's not really a comfort to know that he's not the only one not allowed to die, though. But at least now he can say that to someone that isn't himself.]

Probably the same shit that is wrong with me. I made a similar mistake in giving into a relationship like that.

[Though in their case it's probably just a matter of not being what the other wanted. Maybe if Selphie hadn't had expectations and Ikki had been able to give in a bit more, or express himself better, things would have been different. Or maybe not since he's sure that Selphie didn't care for him either the way she thought, she cared for the idea of him that she had in her mind and there was a vital difference between said image and his real self.

One thing is sure: He's not going to ever do that again, at least not with a brat who is barely a woman and whose head is only full of what she wants and expects thanks to a bunch of romance novels.]

At least no one can say that we didn't give it a try?

[Quite a bitter note of humor.]

And what a comfort that is.

[Ikki can probably hear him rolling his eyes.]

Nothing like coming back from the dead when you're meant to be dead. It's getting old.

[He sighs softly.]

I really liked him. It was a shock to me when he came to speak to me. He went on and on about how he did this thing because of the candy and then he wanted to and hey, Sora might like him back and isn't that great...He just went on and on and I realized he didn't even give me a moment's thought, you know? He wasn't asking to be forgiven, he assumed I'd be mad enough to break it off with him and when I didn't, he decided it would be best to do it himself.

[It really did sound kind of messy. It felt it too.]

I never should have tried in the first place. Nothing good ever comes from being like I am. Nevermind I'm not human anymore. So I guess I wait for Riku to die so I can be done with it. Not that it'll get me anywhere, so I'm not sure how satisfying it would be.

Edited 2014-04-13 21:58 (UTC)

It's not a comfort. It's a reminder than dying is even a stupider option in this place.

[At least Natsuno still has an option to really die once he goes back. Ikki will still be stuck in the same life and death cycle.

He would have never asked what exactly happened, but he doesn't complain about being told even if he doesn't really care. Maybe talking about it, saying it, will help Natsuno and it's not as if it costs him much effort or time to listen. He's hardly surprised that the candies were involved in that, though it is impossible to say that even without them it wouldn't have happened eventually. No, even if it never came to happen it would have been a disaster since Riku was basically just fooling himself all along.]

Nothing good ever comes from being like you are? On how much experience are you based that claim? Pure curiosity.

Either way, the problem mostly fell on him, he was the one fooling himself and just dragging you along and fooling you, even if it wasn't his intention.

[He not only has the option, but he also knows it's inevitable, thanks to Toshio. He doesn't have it in him to fight it anymore. He tried to fight it for a little while, but that didn't get him anywhere.]

Yeah, well. It'll happen eventually.

[He exhales a little.]

Ah it's more of a complicated thing. It's not exactly the kind of thing you tell people at home, and it's not really widely accepted, at least not in Japan and definitely not in a rural community. People still look down on others if their parents are unmarried. There's a strong, traditional pull...

Anyhow, that was my only personal experience really.

[Natsuno sighs.]

And I let him.

At least you have that comfort. Though when that happens this won't have any meaning.

[Since he won't remember it to begin with.]

Only one experience hardly makes for the use of a generalization like that. And this isn't a rural village, nor Japan. And the only strong, traditional pulls that are here are the ones we give the ropes. I get what you mean, though.

You did, and that's why I said "mostly". Though even if you hadn't, even if it hadn't reached the actual point of a relationship, this would have probably happened, wouldn't it? Do you really think that it would make a difference to you if he stopped courting you in favor of Sora instead of this break up?

It's not much of a comfort, believe me. It's more of a source of anxiety and frustration.

[He snorts softly.]

I was never intending to involve myself with anyone in the first place. I'm tired of being a misfit as it is. I already have enough strikes against me. This kind of thing is not...well it'd only make it worse. I just wanted an ordinary life.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

No, ultimately it doesn't matter what he does now or why it ended, just that it has. Lucky for him, I'm the one that feels stupid about it.

For you, maybe. You can't imagine what I would give to know that one day I would be able to die and not return.

[As far as he knows, as far as he feels, he won't. The Phoenix Cloth waited for too long, for too much of a specific person. He ages, but nothing says that once he dies from old age the phoenix won't just, once more, bring him back and restore him to youth. He may not even come to be old enough to die due of it with all the fighting he does back home.]

Even if you hadn't been a "misfit" as you said, it's not as if relationships go any better. I didn't intend to involve myself either, but we were convinced of otherwise.

You're not the only one who feels so. Though that's not really a comfort, is it?

Yeah...I wouldn't want to exercise my gift of immortality if I didn't have to.

[There's some rustling as he's shifting to get more comfortable.]

Many people seem to find ways to make that work out for them. My parents were together for at least seventeen years, maybe eighteen. I didn't ask.

[He snorts.]

Not at all.

Only those who don't know what it is would want it anyway. Like always, most people don't really think about what they wish for in those matters.

[There's a hum as he shakes his head. By now the cooking noises have stopped, and the pauses are a bit more prolonged as he doesn't speak with his mouth full.]

And many people just don't make it work out. Otherwise the divorce wouldn't exist, don't you think? And then there's the ones who wouldn't even try, my father was one of them, only being with a woman long enough to call it a night. Though if he had stayed it probably wouldn't have worked either, not with the way my mother was.

[It was a little detail he never really registered or realized. He knew something wasn't okay after his "father" left that way, he knew his mother had gone to the deepest end after that. But after Selphie he has come to realize how bad it was, what she wanted and wished to do. It had opened a whole new can of worms he hadn't even noticed that was there.]

I suppose, although my parents weren't married, so they couldn't get a divorce. I'm not sure if they ever considered breaking up. It didn't seem like it. They were strange people.

[He sounds a bit conflicted. It's true he feels that way, but his mother is dead and he should probably be more respectful. Maybe.]

Maybe they just didn't see the need or point to get married? In the end marriage in society is nothing but signing a bunch of papers and listening to a bunch of things that anyone who decides to be with someone for the rest of their lives should already know.

[Even in the small village near his volcano it was that way, and he doubts it was anything different in other places.]

Sometimes people give too much value to what's written on a paper. I've never seen them, but I doubt the birth certificates of my brothers and me state who our father was. So nothing states that we're brothers, but that doesn't change the fact that we are so.

They didn't believe in the institute of marriage, no. Of course this caused me a great deal of annoyance over the course of my life, but they weren't the kind of people who thought much about consequences. At all.

If they hadn't-

[He cuts himself off with a muffled sound and a deep breath.]

There is no point in throwing blame around.

[So many mistakes they made, especially in the end.]

It just makes things needlessly complicated when there's two last names on your door, people talk. My legal name isn't the name I go by, most of the time. People never know what to call me, and frankly I didn't care which they did, as long as they didn't call my Natsuno.

There's no point no. And even if they hadn't been that way, nothing says you would have gotten an easier life or been different.

[Who knows, maybe he would have ended even in worse shape.]

Care to explain what's so wrong about your name?

That wasn't what I meant really. If it weren't for the things they did, I might not have died.

[There. He said it out loud. It's true, all too true, and it feels wrong to say it.]

Which part of it? Natsuno is a very...unusual name. Something to do with nobility, although I've also been told by classmates that it sounded a little girly too. [Yeah, they weren't friends.]

Koide is my legal name, because that's my mother's name. Traditionally children are given their father's name, except where the parents aren't married like in my case, they're not, so my father's name, Yuuki is what I should go by. Legally, though it's Koide. Most people call me Yuuki anyhow, when given a choice.

See, now that's something worth of blaming others for. You don't have to feel bad for it, you know.

[Then again, Ikki probably isn't the best example to follow.]

I know of a man named Aphrodite. Though that may have been his own election, who knows.

[Nothing gets more girly than that, really.]

Anyway, do you believe everything your classmates tell you? I take that being a rural village and all their opinion probably matters more than it should, but even so... Isn't your perception of it being unusual or weird due of other people's opinions?

Same with your last name. I don't even have one, because I don't remember my mother's name and I'm not going to use my father's name, I wasn't even recognized as a son so I couldn't even if I wanted to.

I can't help it. I never got along with them. They're the ones that invited some strange child into the house and said she could bring someone, they're the ones that made me move to Sotoba. They're the ones that refused to let me lock the doors, and they're the ones that took down all the protection my team put up to try and save my life. I wish I didn't think of it that way, but it's true. If they hadn't done those things, I would have never died in the first place.

[He sighs.]

And I feel guilty, because they got my mother too and my father was driven to madness because of our deaths and the fact I'm hanging around, undead, in his home.

[He should feel more guilty and he knows it.]

It wasn't just out in the country, the same kinds of things were said in the city as well. Perception, especially in the village, is what it was all about. I hated that village. All I wanted to do was run away and leave.

Guilty? You feel guilty?

[The hint of disbelief is a small one though, because he knows most people would be stupid enough to feel guilty over that.]

You shouldn't. If you want to feel guilty do so for something you did, not for how their own stupidity lead to their own downfall and dragged you in the process. My parents are a special can of worms as well, but I'm not going to feel guilty for what they did to themselves, I've enough things that I was really responsible of to feel guilty about.

And even if in the city people said those things, that's still their opinion and perception. If you hated that village that much and wanted to run away from it, don't go taking their perception as your own just like that. Even if the shitheads in the city did.

Perception shouldn't matter and yet, somehow where I'm from, it does.

[He sighs a little bit.]

I wasn't able to save them any more then I was able to save myself. That's why I feel guilty. I feel guilty because even now I can barely stand to think about them. I was so angry with them...you're supposed to love your parents.

I don't care if it matters there or not, and if you're so hung on it mattering to you, that's your problem. But I don't see the point of bending down to it. Besides, even if you decide that what others see you as matters more, shouldn't your opinion change now? I don't think anyone here has issues with your name or even your current state.

[Well, maybe someone would have issues with the vampire-like thing, but how many could that be among all the members of the crew?]

Heh, you're telling that to the wrong person then. I've hate my father since before I even knew who he was and my mother... I guess I loved her when I was a kid, but that was way too long ago and even then there are things I didn't forgive her for. So while I don't hate her, I don't exactly love her anymore either.

Sometimes it's really hard to let go of things you believe. This place is so different. Not necessarily in a bad way I kind of like it here, to be really honest with you.

I'm sure. No one around here has as much of a problem with me being a vampire more than myself. I know that. I don't understand it, but I know it.

[Even Thatch seems to have come around to a point.]

I never really felt like I loved them. They were so different. I just hated so much about their strange beliefs. I don't know if they understood me either, my drive to have all these things they rejected. At the same time though...I miss them.

If we're being honest, I don't hate this place as much as I should. Neither I feel in a hurry to leave even if I should, though Korra's news when she returned from going back home are probably the reason for that.

[Of course he's not entirely convinced, but for now he's decided to be hopeful for once and bet on time not passing while he's here, thus leaving Shun and Athena not in dire and increasing need of his assistance.]

Probably because most, if not all, of us have seen worse things. Or just plainly don't care so long as you don't suck us dry, which you won't. Seeing you hate your condition so much probably helps too.

[No need to add more hate to it, Natsuno covers all bases on his own.]

You lived with them for most of your life, after all. I suppose it's natural you would miss them.

[He doesn't. He misses Shun and the others at times, but not his mother. He got over that a long time ago.]

Give it time and you may get over that if you want to.

There is nothing for me to go back to, except my death. I want to die, I don't want to die..I go back and forth a lot.

I won't, I won't do that to anyone. That's possible, but I can't help but hate it. Riku wants me to accept it.

[He sighs. His parents...he doesn't want to think about that relationship so much.]

It hasn't been that long, has it? I wish I didn't feel this way. I'm tired of it...that's all.

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