piratejournal | [Written]

For you, maybe. You can't imagine what I would give to know that one day I would be able to die and not return.

[As far as he knows, as far as he feels, he won't. The Phoenix Cloth waited for too long, for too much of a specific person. He ages, but nothing says that once he dies from old age the phoenix won't just, once more, bring him back and restore him to youth. He may not even come to be old enough to die due of it with all the fighting he does back home.]

Even if you hadn't been a "misfit" as you said, it's not as if relationships go any better. I didn't intend to involve myself either, but we were convinced of otherwise.

You're not the only one who feels so. Though that's not really a comfort, is it?

Yeah...I wouldn't want to exercise my gift of immortality if I didn't have to.

[There's some rustling as he's shifting to get more comfortable.]

Many people seem to find ways to make that work out for them. My parents were together for at least seventeen years, maybe eighteen. I didn't ask.

[He snorts.]

Not at all.

Only those who don't know what it is would want it anyway. Like always, most people don't really think about what they wish for in those matters.

[There's a hum as he shakes his head. By now the cooking noises have stopped, and the pauses are a bit more prolonged as he doesn't speak with his mouth full.]

And many people just don't make it work out. Otherwise the divorce wouldn't exist, don't you think? And then there's the ones who wouldn't even try, my father was one of them, only being with a woman long enough to call it a night. Though if he had stayed it probably wouldn't have worked either, not with the way my mother was.

[It was a little detail he never really registered or realized. He knew something wasn't okay after his "father" left that way, he knew his mother had gone to the deepest end after that. But after Selphie he has come to realize how bad it was, what she wanted and wished to do. It had opened a whole new can of worms he hadn't even noticed that was there.]

I suppose, although my parents weren't married, so they couldn't get a divorce. I'm not sure if they ever considered breaking up. It didn't seem like it. They were strange people.

[He sounds a bit conflicted. It's true he feels that way, but his mother is dead and he should probably be more respectful. Maybe.]

Maybe they just didn't see the need or point to get married? In the end marriage in society is nothing but signing a bunch of papers and listening to a bunch of things that anyone who decides to be with someone for the rest of their lives should already know.

[Even in the small village near his volcano it was that way, and he doubts it was anything different in other places.]

Sometimes people give too much value to what's written on a paper. I've never seen them, but I doubt the birth certificates of my brothers and me state who our father was. So nothing states that we're brothers, but that doesn't change the fact that we are so.

They didn't believe in the institute of marriage, no. Of course this caused me a great deal of annoyance over the course of my life, but they weren't the kind of people who thought much about consequences. At all.

If they hadn't-

[He cuts himself off with a muffled sound and a deep breath.]

There is no point in throwing blame around.

[So many mistakes they made, especially in the end.]

It just makes things needlessly complicated when there's two last names on your door, people talk. My legal name isn't the name I go by, most of the time. People never know what to call me, and frankly I didn't care which they did, as long as they didn't call my Natsuno.

There's no point no. And even if they hadn't been that way, nothing says you would have gotten an easier life or been different.

[Who knows, maybe he would have ended even in worse shape.]

Care to explain what's so wrong about your name?

That wasn't what I meant really. If it weren't for the things they did, I might not have died.

[There. He said it out loud. It's true, all too true, and it feels wrong to say it.]

Which part of it? Natsuno is a very...unusual name. Something to do with nobility, although I've also been told by classmates that it sounded a little girly too. [Yeah, they weren't friends.]

Koide is my legal name, because that's my mother's name. Traditionally children are given their father's name, except where the parents aren't married like in my case, they're not, so my father's name, Yuuki is what I should go by. Legally, though it's Koide. Most people call me Yuuki anyhow, when given a choice.

See, now that's something worth of blaming others for. You don't have to feel bad for it, you know.

[Then again, Ikki probably isn't the best example to follow.]

I know of a man named Aphrodite. Though that may have been his own election, who knows.

[Nothing gets more girly than that, really.]

Anyway, do you believe everything your classmates tell you? I take that being a rural village and all their opinion probably matters more than it should, but even so... Isn't your perception of it being unusual or weird due of other people's opinions?

Same with your last name. I don't even have one, because I don't remember my mother's name and I'm not going to use my father's name, I wasn't even recognized as a son so I couldn't even if I wanted to.

I can't help it. I never got along with them. They're the ones that invited some strange child into the house and said she could bring someone, they're the ones that made me move to Sotoba. They're the ones that refused to let me lock the doors, and they're the ones that took down all the protection my team put up to try and save my life. I wish I didn't think of it that way, but it's true. If they hadn't done those things, I would have never died in the first place.

[He sighs.]

And I feel guilty, because they got my mother too and my father was driven to madness because of our deaths and the fact I'm hanging around, undead, in his home.

[He should feel more guilty and he knows it.]

It wasn't just out in the country, the same kinds of things were said in the city as well. Perception, especially in the village, is what it was all about. I hated that village. All I wanted to do was run away and leave.

Guilty? You feel guilty?

[The hint of disbelief is a small one though, because he knows most people would be stupid enough to feel guilty over that.]

You shouldn't. If you want to feel guilty do so for something you did, not for how their own stupidity lead to their own downfall and dragged you in the process. My parents are a special can of worms as well, but I'm not going to feel guilty for what they did to themselves, I've enough things that I was really responsible of to feel guilty about.

And even if in the city people said those things, that's still their opinion and perception. If you hated that village that much and wanted to run away from it, don't go taking their perception as your own just like that. Even if the shitheads in the city did.

Perception shouldn't matter and yet, somehow where I'm from, it does.

[He sighs a little bit.]

I wasn't able to save them any more then I was able to save myself. That's why I feel guilty. I feel guilty because even now I can barely stand to think about them. I was so angry with them...you're supposed to love your parents.

I don't care if it matters there or not, and if you're so hung on it mattering to you, that's your problem. But I don't see the point of bending down to it. Besides, even if you decide that what others see you as matters more, shouldn't your opinion change now? I don't think anyone here has issues with your name or even your current state.

[Well, maybe someone would have issues with the vampire-like thing, but how many could that be among all the members of the crew?]

Heh, you're telling that to the wrong person then. I've hate my father since before I even knew who he was and my mother... I guess I loved her when I was a kid, but that was way too long ago and even then there are things I didn't forgive her for. So while I don't hate her, I don't exactly love her anymore either.

Sometimes it's really hard to let go of things you believe. This place is so different. Not necessarily in a bad way I kind of like it here, to be really honest with you.

I'm sure. No one around here has as much of a problem with me being a vampire more than myself. I know that. I don't understand it, but I know it.

[Even Thatch seems to have come around to a point.]

I never really felt like I loved them. They were so different. I just hated so much about their strange beliefs. I don't know if they understood me either, my drive to have all these things they rejected. At the same time though...I miss them.

If we're being honest, I don't hate this place as much as I should. Neither I feel in a hurry to leave even if I should, though Korra's news when she returned from going back home are probably the reason for that.

[Of course he's not entirely convinced, but for now he's decided to be hopeful for once and bet on time not passing while he's here, thus leaving Shun and Athena not in dire and increasing need of his assistance.]

Probably because most, if not all, of us have seen worse things. Or just plainly don't care so long as you don't suck us dry, which you won't. Seeing you hate your condition so much probably helps too.

[No need to add more hate to it, Natsuno covers all bases on his own.]

You lived with them for most of your life, after all. I suppose it's natural you would miss them.

[He doesn't. He misses Shun and the others at times, but not his mother. He got over that a long time ago.]

Give it time and you may get over that if you want to.

There is nothing for me to go back to, except my death. I want to die, I don't want to die..I go back and forth a lot.

I won't, I won't do that to anyone. That's possible, but I can't help but hate it. Riku wants me to accept it.

[He sighs. His parents...he doesn't want to think about that relationship so much.]

It hasn't been that long, has it? I wish I didn't feel this way. I'm tired of it...that's all.

You go back and forth... So basically pretty much like anyone, unless they are immune to suicidal thoughts and depression.

What do you mean by "accept it" exactly?

[From his point of view he can't see how accepting it would, somehow, mean that he can't hate it. Unless he's hearing wrong.]

Sorry to say, you still have at least five more years before it stops, more or less. If it ever does.

I suppose that's true, but people seem to have things more together then I do.

[He thinks about it.]

I wait until the last minute to bite people and he thinks I should be more on top of it. Things like that.

[He groans softly.]

Five years seems like a long time.

Appearances deceive. Just because not everyone shares those troubles it doesn't mean they aren't there.

[Ikki hums at the next answer, thinking for a moment.]

I can see his point. Though I don't really see how you eating any earlier would mean that you "accept" it. Get comfortable, maybe, but not necessarily to accept it. I don't think you have to "accept" that you're shiki, but I agree that it would do you good to get somewhat comfortable with it. At last enough to properly feed yourself.

Besides volunteers, there are two phoenixes in this place. You could try to suck us dry and we would still be up and completely recovered in less than half an hour most probably. The only reason to not do so would be some set of morals, and I doubt they can stand against keeping oneself fed and strong.

I suppose that's true enough. I'll probably feel better once I get some rest.

[He sighs softly.]

What would you do if someone gave you blood to drink? What would you think? It is difficult to fight the instincts I have, I've always had on the matter. At the same time in my current state it's necessary...even enjoyable. It's very hard to wrap my mind around that.

You'd be surprised Ikki. I tried, especially at the beginning, but Ace wouldn't hear of it.

[There's a soft snort on Ikki's part at the question about blood.]

I wouldn't like it. But I don't need it to live. What would you do if someone sent you to the inside of an active volcano? Because for me that's enjoyable and the only way I can truly relax, in a way it's also a necessity to be able to keep control over myself. But for most living beings, that would be a painful death.

When I said that you don't have to "accept" that you're a shiki I didn't mean that, though. You don't have to be happy about it, or glad, you don't have to like it. But it's what you are, no way around it, just like I'm a phoenix. We didn't really choose this, we weren't given an option, but there's no way to change it, especially here. I don't consider that accepting it, because even if you don't accept it, it's not going to change. It's not something you can ignore either, it's a fact, plain and simple.

Ace didn't want you to eat? Or was it simply because you would need crewmates for it?

See, a few months ago, I wouldn't like it either. I don't need it to live, in theory. It's just for my own comfort really. It hurts so much if I let it go, I get really weak...

[He sighs softly.]

I am never going to like it, or be happy about it. That's true enough. I suppose I have to deal with it.

No no, I must have said it in a way that was unclear. I didn't want to eat at all. I was going to suffer, but he made me bite him.

With our current lifestyle you have to avoid being "really weak". So I would say that even if you "don't need it to live" you need it now, period.

The way you said it, it could have meant several things. Though the only options I could really see happening with Ace are the one where he gets unnerved because you need to feed on from your crewmates. Which is possible but also unlikely because he doesn't flinch at us punching each other and it's not as if you do it just for kicks. Or he indeed flipping it and forcing feeding you.

[There's a pause an amused sigh.]

And that's why I say that you have to deal with it, not accept it or "be over it". Deal with it and go get a bite when you're hungry, not when you're starving. Unless you want to piss people off and have us force feeding you, which is very possible with this crew. It's basically the only reason why I'm eating right now, and you know that.

[After all, Natsuno was the first one to notice that Ikki wasn't eating and was annoying enough about it to get Ikki to give in, even if he still stuck to his own terms.]

[It's possible he forgot about that. He sighs.]

I suppose coming from you, I have no choice in the matter.

[After all, he had been very annoying to Ikki.]

You're right, when I'm weak it's...dangerous.

You don't, unless you want to be a hypocrite who is tied down and forced to swallow someone's every other day.

[And they would do it. At least Ikki would, so Natsuno really doesn't have much of a choice.]

Dangerous doesn't even start to define it. Not only for how the hunger may make you be, assuming it can even get control over you like some sort of instinct or something. But for everyone else, and not just about you attacking us, but in the case that we are attacked by the navy or something else.

If you couldn't help it, it would be one thing, but you can avoid being weak and it's just a stupid move to keep yourself weak on purpose due morals or whatever in this world. You even said you wanted to learn to fight, didn't you? How would you plan to do so while being all weak due hunger?

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