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007 ♦ Voice

[The voice coming over the journal sounds strained, rough, tired, and a lot of other things that imply its owner should really be in bed and not talking to people. But... it's also a little cheerier than it's been, and maybe that's enough.]

I know everyone's already started to chime in about being okay, and everything that's happened since the attack on the fortress the other day. So... I guess I should start by saying that I'm fine. Really, really tired, and I took a bad blow to my back that will take some time to heal, but I'm mostly okay. It's nothing some bandages and rest won't heal. [Probably.]

After that, though, I think I need to apologize. I said some... kind of careless things earlier. I wasn't really thinking straight, after... some things happened, and I'm afraid I worried a few people. So... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone straight to the journal after everything, and I kind of regret it now. N-not the part about telling everyone that the people had disappeared. Something else. Um... I'm just going to stop rambling about that for now.

I guess I'm just really burned out, and that's a hard feeling to deal with right now. I'm worried, and I'm exhausted, and I hurt, and there's nothing I can really do about it. I shouldn't be restless right now, but... here I am. So if anyone has any advice on not feeling like you've messed up really badly after everything that's happened, I would love it - I kind of need it.

[A short time after this goes up, Rikka's crewmates can find her out on the deck, looking out at the water. That, or preparing to make social calls to make sure her friends are okay.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Easy question to that is, then... I'm guessing you found what you were looking for?

Mana and Alice aren't dead, so that's pretty much it. All I wanted was my most important people back, and I have them now. We've got some soul-searching to do, and all three of us are beaten to hell and back, but we're alive.

I really do owe you an apology, though. I did a lot of screaming at you when you really didn't deserve it, and you've been nothing but helpful. A little bit twisted, sometimes, but helpful.

[Alice is in... well, it's not her room. Her own room is actually quite dire, as there wasn't much left intact after steadily losing what was left of her sanity combined with a Precure's strength. One of the few remaining unoccupied rooms of the Shepherd serves as her current living quarters, and it is... quite barren outside her bed.

She doesn't really care, though. In fact, she's finding it very hard to care about much then and there besides the people closest to her, her worry for them, and... well, how utterly worthless she was now feeling.

Her left arm in a sling, she has also not very well left her bed for several days. Not that she'd done much sleeping. She'd passed out from sheer exhaustion after arriving back on the ship, but any rest was short lived. Nightmares punched through her dreamscape every time she drifted off. Rikka, bleeding out on that beach. Both her and Mana being surrounded by zombies and... the cavalry then not arriving to save them... And either way, Alice being helpless to save them. The dark circles beneath baggy, bloodshot eyes showed this lack of rest pretty well, as did her hair, hanging uncharacteristically loose around her face and not having been properly cared for as she normally would.

She reads Rikka's entry - because, really, she has nothing else to do - and just sighs quietly to herself. She hadn't gone back and looked at whatever Rikka had said when they disappeared. She's been afraid to, really. Already knowing what she did of what all this had done to Rikka, knowing any more feels like it would be too much. Of course, at the same time, she also feels cowardly in doing that.

She's been feeling like that a lot, actually. Not really talking much to anyone. Not even Lance. Just trying to stay in her own little hole in the wall, almost as if willing herself to be ignored, even though she knows that some never will. No matter how much she thinks then and there they would be better off if they just would.]

[He just gives something of a slight scoff.]

Kid, I've been yelled at for reasons a hell of a lot more petty than that.

You did what you needed to do, then. And on top of that, that place is gone, and that witch is dead. All in all, that's not too shabby. Take what you have and hold onto that. Worrying about what may or may not have been done right or wrong won't get anyone anywhere - we won.

[And dammit Rikka, if he keeps doing this he's going to have to knock over a small island nation to counter balance all this sort of talk with his reputation.]

[Rikka finds herself at the precipice of the room they'd given to Alice while hers was... well, they had neither time nor manpower right now, but they'd get to it. She really wanted to make sure of that. For now, though, she was mostly worried. Alice had been badly injured, but beyond that... how bad was her mental state? Her friend had been brainwashed, convinced to try and kill her, Rikka had had to suppress her with force, then they'd been left to rot in that cell for a week with their memories, and then when she'd finally arrived to set her friends free, they were set upon by the undead hordes, and Alice more than likely thought she'd been totally unable to protect them.

And while she was technically right... it wasn't just Alice's job, nor was this Alice's fault. Rikka shared part of that blame, and- no, that wasn't important now. Alice didn't need to be reminded of what she hadn't done. Not like this.

That brings her to her present state: hand raised, knocking on Alice's door, even if it's open, extremely tentative.] Can I... come in, Alice?

[Alice looks up from the closed journal, just a bit surprised to find her there at that moment. She probably shouldn't be, of course... But she may be just the slightest bit jumpy on top of everything else, too.

She just as quickly looks back down, slipping her journal beneath a pillow behind her, before responding quietly and with an not very hidden note of nervousness:] Of course, Rikka-chan...

[Even with the way she was feeling, she couldn't very well say no to either her or Mana. In fact, it was all that she wanted, but you wouldn't catch her saying that in her current state.]

Mm. I guess it's just habit. I'm usually a lot more proper than I have been over the last two or three weeks.

I know we won. It just... it feels like we had to lose so much to get there. And it feels like I did so little. It's mortifying that I went in there so confident that I could make a difference, and we had to be rescued. So even if I did what I wanted to do, I... is this all my power is good for?

[The door creaked open as Rikka let herself in; her immediate first look was to her friend's face, to see how she was. And boy, Alice looked like she'd seen better days. Not that she didn't know the feeling; she wasn't sleeping much better herself. But that wasn't important now. Good to know, sure, but it wasn't going to stop her now. Neither would the wound on her back that had torn open in the fighting, bandaged but still throbbing in protest at anything more than laying in her bed and lamenting her life choices.

She puts on her best gentle smile as she moves to Alice's bedside, pulling a chair from the deck behind her and setting it down before putting herself in it, trying not to wince where Alice can see. And once she's there... well.]

It's been a few days... are you feeling any better?

[The physical, she can fix, or at least try to. The mental... she'll get there next, whether she can fix it or not. They'd need to clear the air at some point, but... if Alice didn't want that point to be now, she wouldn't push too much, even if she needed the reassurance just as much.]

Everyone was saving each other's asses the whole way through that place. I got bailed out a few times, too.

All it really comes down to is that you got what you needed. It's really easy to pick apart anything and make it worse, so don't. They're safe, you're safe, and you can go on to do whatever you need to do now.

Now is important, and what you can do in the future is important. What happened then is in the past.

Edited 2014-01-31 05:00 (UTC)

[Alice's eyes shift briefly over towards her, and she then glances at her arm.] It... hurts still, but I suppose it shall for awhile...

[Normally, she would have held back the sigh that came. But it just came, this time. The care to hold up her appearance and demeanor seemed so unimportant, now.

After all, it wasn't like her being injured was going to matter if her power continued to escape her as it had in the fortress.

Her eyes drift back over towards Rikka, looking intently at her. She can't SEE her back from there, but she can imagine it.]

...your back, Rikka-chan... [She looks back down, and nervously grips her bed sheet with her functional hand.] How bad is it, really...?

[She knows better there, at least. She had seen it when that wound was fresh. There was no way that it had healed completely by then. Yet Rikka had fought so hard for them while sporting it...

Alice had been so frozen in fear and pain that she couldn't even reach out a few feet.]

Edited 2014-01-31 04:46 (UTC)

To be entirely honest, I find myself in need of the same advice.

You're probably right. I just... I'm so uncomfortable with all this. I don't mind this place most of the time, but the entire last month has been the most terrible month of my entire life. Not that I've had much to compare it to, but...

[She sighs, loud enough for the journal to hear.]

I'm going to reach out and take hold of that future - I owe that to my teammates, and myself - but right now it's just hard to see why I'm putting so much into a world that seems like it's trying really hard to break me.

I dunno about anyone else, but I don't plan on putting anything into this world. It sure hasn't given me any reason to.

It is trying to break us.

But I don't have a problem in seeing what I can take out of it.

It probably will, yes. I wish there were something more I could do, but... without more supplies, I don't want to push our ability to patch someone up in an emergency. And I, um, kind of used a lot of our medical kit to keep my blood inside me.

[Rikka's smile is a little less genuine, but she's trying to keep in good humor.]

It's... not great. Gaius is quite good at what he does. If I hadn't been a Precure when he got to me, I would be dead right now. There's no question about that. As it stands, the wound is still... a little more grave than I'm letting on. I've been trying to change the bandages without help, but that tears it open again too often for my liking. It's not fun, but I can bear it. There were more important things to think about.

[She pauses a moment to stand, taking a deep breath and wincing as her back shifts in the process. But she turns and smiles warmly down at Alice, setting herself down gently within (good) arm's reach.]

There still are. And really, I don't regret this. It hurts a lot, if I'm being honest. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. But I wouldn't have done anything differently. You and Mana... I love both of you so much, and I was willing to do what I did because of that. I know protecting Mana and I is kind of your thing, but... it was my turn to protect you, in the only twisted way I could.

[Alice stares at her with a certain level of horror at how bluntly she describes her injury and just how bad it could have been. Of course, she should have expected that - Mana is the one who would try to act like nothing was wrong with it at all. While she appreciates the honesty, and it erases the fear of not knowing just how bad it was... It also twists her stomach in a knot, knowing how closely she came to dying.

As she sits beside her and continues talking, Alice tears her eyes away from her, finding them watering as she grips the bed sheet tight enough that her hand is visibly shaking.

Saying those things, knowing she did all of that in spite of the pain...]

I- I had told Mana-chan in the prison just how the witch gained control over me... I should really tell you, as well...

[And more than that, really. She gulps.]

...I had said it before, had I not...? That I knew how you felt about Mana-chan long before we came here. Because I understood it. Because I loved you both. Because I... [She hesitates, considers looking at Rikka, and then thinks better of it.] Because I was jealous of the two of you, sometimes, long before Makoto-san joined us. The two of you could always be there for each other. You were always able to support each other. I- I really wanted that, but... my responsibilities, or even that small bit of distance from where we lived... Changing schools... I was always just a little more separated from you both than I ever would have wanted.

Then I became a Precure, and all that changed. It was as if I didn't have to worry about that distance any longer.

[She enhales, and finds it turning into a sniffle.] I was so afraid of telling you both how I felt because I thus knew how you felt about Mana-chan... I never imagined, never dreamed that I could dare or expect either to return how I felt knowing that, much less both of you. Either way, it felt as if I would have been betraying the other... And yet...

[She finally does force herself to look at Rikka, a shameful look in her tear-filled eyes.]

You accepted how I felt first. You didn't even hesitate. It was never that I doubted you, but I... I never imagined I could be worthy of that, not from both of you. So I was- I was still so nervous. I worried still that I might manage to damage things somehow, that... I really needed to prove I was worthy of that, that I could protect you both even better than I had before!

[For the briefest of moments, she raises her good arm like she might reach out for Rikka, but quickly retracts it, pulling it against her chest, and goes on a bit more quietly.]

That is what she used, Rikka-chan. Not just my wish to safeguard you both, but to... to prove I could be worthy of that. That I could do anything and everything to help and love you two. She took my love and twisted it into... into something obscene and ugly, and... yet at the same time? At the same time you proved I never had anything to worry about. You held me when she was driving me mad, when I wanted so desperately to tell you what was happening and was not allowed to speak it, when I could have hurt you... You stopped me from hurting anyone but you... And I never would have made it all that time in the prison without Mana-chan...

[Finally, her voice begins to crack, and she looks down again.]

And how did I repay that, when you came to save us? I let my heart falter. I let my power waver. I wound up a liability to you both, and when it looked like it might be over, when I thought we all might die, I was again... apart from you both... You were in so much pain then too, and yet you could try and support Mana-chan and continue to fight for us, while I- I couldn't even reach out a few feet...

I- I know it was not in my control what happened, I would be a hypocrite to you if I blamed myself for all of that- but... knowing what it was she used to turn my hand on you, and that I could do nothing after... I'm terrible, Rikka-chan... I'm sorry...

Edited (embarrassing typos) 2014-02-01 02:15 (UTC)

[Rikka listens patiently while Alice spills everything she's apparently been holding in for the last three or four weeks. She doesn't look away for a moment, except to notice the hand reaching out to her, and frowning slightly when Alice not only pulls it back but recoils entirely. And toward the end, she can feel her own hand on the sheet tightening until her knuckles are white. But this... this isn't the same kind of anger she'd been running with until she finally got them back. No, this was... something else. And when the last apology comes out, her eyes flash as a visible sign, and her voice is dangerous.]

Don't you dare apologize to me for all this. This is not your fault, Yotsuba Alice, and I don't want to hear you trying to tell me it is, or I'm going to be very cross. There are a lot of places to put blame for this incident, and you are not one of them.

You said yourself you want to protect us... I don't want you to feel bad about what happened. I know it's going to happen, and I know I'm going to be scared for a while, whether I want to be or not. But I know you. There is no force on this or any world that could make you willingly attack us without doing something unforgivable to your head first. That's what made everything... tolerable. The nightmares. Trying to sleep and hearing you and Mana screaming to let you out. That feeling of never being safe. I can live with them, because my precious people are here. I would have to be more than human not to feel those things. But even when you were so far out of sorts from usual, I knew things would be okay. That was enough. When I thought you were dead... that was another matter.

[She's shaking now. Between her anger, her worry, and remembering things again, she's losing grip on her emotions. But she has to get this out, or she's not doing her job. Alice must be reassured of herself, or things are going to fall apart.]

I won't lie. I took that really, really hard. I can't... I can't lose the two of you again. Once was more than bad enough, and you weren't even actually gone. I know I'm probably scaring you right now, but... if there was ever a time to put all our cards on the table, this is it. No secrets, no uncertainties. I am scared out of my damned mind right now, because we barely survived, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make things right again. I can't keep going like I have been, or I'm going to be a wreck. I don't want that, you don't want that, and I don't want you to have to deal with that.

If there's one thing you take from us talking tonight, I want it to be this: you don't have to prove anything to me. You've done that many times over already, and even without that, I love you the way you are. Your flaws, your selfish desires, your insecurities, I don't care. I accept them, because I accept you. I'll tell Mana the same thing. It's not because of some stupid reason I can't even think of an example for right now. And even if I did realize how I felt about Mana first, I don't want that to come between us anymore. I'm a little dense sometimes, and sometimes I need things spelled out or I don't understand what I'm feeling. But nothing short of punching me in the face, right here and now while I'm dumping all of this on you, could make me think any less of you. And that probably wouldn't do it either.

So you're welcome to continue to protect us, if that's what you want. It doesn't have to be right now; take as much time as you need to get better. And if you ever want to take a break, that's okay. I feel a lot better about things knowing you've got my back, but that's not a reason to keep going if you aren't feeling it anymore. And I'm going to protect you with everything I've got, because you are important to me. Because I would be terrified if anything happened to you. I am terrified, because something did happen and I wasn't strong enough to stop it.

[She takes a long, shuddering breath, trying to calm down enough to keep talking. It's a second before she continues, and she's got herself... a little more controlled.]

Don't hold yourself to my ridiculous example, either. I'm at a point where I just can't imagine life without Mana. Without you. Those thoughts just... don't process. I have a nightmare sometimes, of one of you just being gone all of a sudden, and everything just feels wrong until I wake up and I try not to call you at three in the morning to check on you. So when the two of you disappeared, I panicked. I didn't know what to do, and I cracked a little. When someone said you might still be alive, I clung to that with everything I had. It's why I came in there with a mind for murder, and it's probably why my power didn't last much longer than yours did. I was desperate, and I was borrowing power from things I shouldn't have been letting myself trust. I was willing to do some very, very bad things if I could have gotten you back. And if anything like this ever happens again, I will do whatever it takes to get you and her back, and I don't care what anyone else says. I will march into Hell itself and drag you out if I have to.

[That's pretty much her piece. She reaches her hand out to Alice's, trying to take hold of it, to reassure her at least a little.]

That's a promise. But it's not a promise I expect to be returned. All I want is for you to get better and live your life the way you want, and to not forget about me. That's enough. So please, don't say you're terrible. You are so, so strong for getting through everything with your ideals intact, and I want you to see that. Even when you didn't have control anymore, you were trying to keep us safe, and that means the world to me, no matter what happened in the end. Please, Alice... don't apologize to me. Not for this.

[Alice listens to every word she has to say. She doesn't dare interrupt her. As every sentence hits her, all that Mana had told her in that fortress echoes back as well. The tears in her eyes quickly spill over, and while she almost jumps as Rikka touches her hand, she doesn't recoil. The only reason she had before was that feeling of unworthiness, and that small voice in the back of her head she was still fighting that said a hand used to hurt someone she loved should not be reaching out for that same person. Yet...]

Rikka-chan... Rikka-chan, I--

[No, not "I'm sorry. She pushes that out of her mind, and... well, she doesn't accept Rikka's hand. Instead, she scoots herself a bit closer, and reaches out with her arm, attempting to give her a... somewhat awkward hug that paid mind to both of their injuries. But if she accepted her selfish desires, then that was all she wanted in that moment. It was what she had wanted for awhile now, to just... forget everything awful for one moment and hug her.]

--I love you, Rikka-chan. [She sniffles before choking out a small sob.] Th- thank you... for everything...

[She looks up at her, and for the first time since waking back up on this ship, smiles. Just a little bit, and through a fountain of tears, but it's there.]

You know- you must know I would return that promise with everything I am... And the only life I want right here, right now, is to not leave either of your sides for anything. I'd never forget you. Or Mana-chan. I never could. I... I still don't know what to feel about other things. I still feel so angry. It actually makes me feel mad that I could not fight that witch. That I could not--

[She bites her lip.]

They are feelings so very unbecoming of a Precure, and I do not know what to do with them, but... Those are the only feelings I am uncertain of. For you and her, those feelings won't ever change.

[Her eyes shift a little bit.]

I have had nightmares, too... Every time I fall asleep since we were freed from her control... I see all the horrible things that happened, but... [Her grip tightens just a bit.] I know that you're both here now, that you're okay... Even if I see those things every time I close my eyes, I can at least take comfort in that...

Edited (HTML) 2014-02-01 03:18 (UTC)

[Mana had been generally hovering around both Rikka and Alice since returning to the ship, but had business to attend to briefly... which was her secretly, and singlehandedly, attempting to clean up Alice's room.

She arrived back at Alice's interim room just as Alice began to tell Rikka all of her insecurities, and before long... well, she didn't mean to eavesdrop, but as she heard more, everything both Alice and Rikka said left Mana feeling paralyzed.

The fact that Rikka had said something so powerful, and yet Mana felt like she couldn't say what was in her heart... that she felt ashamed for feeling ashamed... it felt like such a betrayal of everything she was...

... she couldn't face them. She wasn't the person they needed her to be, and... she couldn't bring herself to feel the way they did about the witch, and she had no idea how to reconcile the issue of ... she was failing them as a loved one, as a Precure, and as their leader...

... Mana couldn't face them. Aida Mana couldn't face them.

What was wrong with her? How had she betrayed her own view of life and love so profoundly?

Mana turned on her heel and left, quickly, her footsteps soft and leaving no indication she'd been there at all]

[The hug is a little bit of a surprise - with the way she'd been avoiding contact ever since the fortress, Rikka suspected Alice was afraid of hurting someone again. But... clearly her speech had had the desired effect. And that was enough for her to finally start to relax.]

You don't have to thank me, Alice. This much... I don't think I could call myself your friend without doing at least this much. And I'm glad that you're going to stay with me. I said all that, but... I'm a little selfish. I don't want to let either of you go.

[She rubs the back of Alice's neck, not sure what to say for a moment.]

I don't think it really matters if what we feel is becoming of a Precure or not. We're special, sure, but... we're just fourteen-year-old human girls, at the end of the day. We get mad, we cry, we laugh, we love. We're allowed to make mistakes, and when we screw up, it's okay if we're not quite the same afterward.

[Closing her eyes, she sighs a little.] The nightmares will fade, eventually. We'll make new memories to replace the old ones we don't like so much, and we'll try hard not to let the same things happen again to us. If it means that we have to get even closer, or even stronger, then that's what we'll do.

[A long pause.]

And speaking of getting closer... someday I'll get you to just use my name, even if it's not right now. It's like with Mana... not a whole lot changes, except that the boundaries between us have changed, so be can become closer than we ever were before. And I want to know everything about you, Alice. I hope a day will come when we can share all our memories, all our burdens, all our secrets between us. When the two- no, the three of us can be as one.

[If she'd known Mana were outside, she'd have roped her inside. But alas, smoothing things over with the pinkette will have to wait a little longer. Well... one's better than none, right?]

[Gaius is in the kitchen. As much as it's a relief that everything's said and done and no one's gone and died, there's still plenty of things that weigh on the thief's mind. He knows he needs to say something, but he doesn't know how he'd go about apologizing for trying to kill anyone, even if it had been under an outside influence.

He's stalling and he knows it, but it helps take his mind off of things a little. This is something he likes to do, and he hopes others can enjoy it as well, once it's done.

By the smell of it, it does seem just about ready.

Gaius pulls the pie out, setting it carefully on the table. He'd gone easy on the sugar, and he hopes he didn't overdo it on the cinnamon. At least it smelled pretty good.]

[If you were to ask Alice, she would tell you the hug is as much a surprise to her as it was to Rikka. But releasing all of that emotion at once, after holding it in for so long... Really, she had needed just someone to lean on. She IS afraid of hurting someone again, and even then that screams in her brain. She deniedthat protest, though.]

In that case, I'm... I'm glad for you being selfish in that regard...

[Her worth as a Precure... That will have to wait. She knows that. She can't prove anything there, be it to herself or anyone else, in her current condition. But Rikka's words once more do ring true, and she knows that between both Mana and her... As much as she may have hated the one who did it, as angry as she might be over it... Love had not fully left her heart.]

...[She draws back a little further, but not too far, blinking teary eyes at one comment.] Your name...? [As it sinks in, she actually does blush just a bit. The suffixes had become such a habit, Mana and Rikka's applied only to them for so long... ] I- I could try that...

...but if you ever wake up like that, and feel as if you need to check and see we are still here... Do not hesitate to check, because- [She gulps a bit.] -so long as I know you both are near... maybe my own nightmares will clear in time.

I'll do whatever it takes, whatever either of you need of me... If it keeps us together, makes us closer... I know I cannot get through this without the both of you...

[She gives a small breath, and pulls her hand back, just a bit, until her fingertips are just barely touching where Rikka's wound is.]

But you must take care of yourself, as well. [In spite of everything, she manages to give her a worried look.] You cannot just be re-opening it trying to change your bandages on your own, or... doing things which will aggravate it... there's no need for that any longer, right? Not right now. And... I can't bear to think of you hurting yourself more...

Edited (WORDS ARE HARD) 2014-02-01 07:34 (UTC)

[While she's really not all that familiar with Rikka, she does have a good impression of the other girl, and listening to her like this has Anise worried even if she doesn't know the full details of what happened. She considers just replying through the journal, but she's still not used to talking through the thing and she's always been a firm believer in the comfort of physical contact. And it sounds like Rikka could really use a distraction, so what would be better than providing one for her?]

[It takes her a few minutes to locate Rikka on the deck, but once she does she bounces up as if nothing is wrong at all.]

Hey, Rikka! Are you busy right now?

I definitely understand. Whether you have powers or not, whether you die or not... I just don't know how to deal with this. This feeling of total failure.

You're all right now? I kind of remember you being a little out of shape before. Some of my conversations from before are... a little fuzzy.

[Rikka's attention is drawn by the smell of something sweet, and she follows it to the mess to find a pie sitting on the table to cool. The sudden presence of a pie raises a question, but then it's answered handily by the presence of the person who stabbed me-

There's a short, sharp shriek as Rikka registers who's standing there with the pie, and she fights the urge to run away, but she's twitching badly. It seems her mind won't let her forget the person that nearly killed her just yet.]

Gaius...

Edited (I can code, I swear!) 2014-02-01 17:37 (UTC)

[That voice... it was that newer girl that had joined them recently, wasn't it? Some kind of spice... saffron? Pepper? Wait, no, it was-]

Hi, Anise. No, I'm... just thinking about things. Or maybe trying not to think about things. Is everything all right?

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007 ♦ Voice

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