piratejournal | 007 ♦ Voice

[The voice coming over the journal sounds strained, rough, tired, and a lot of other things that imply its owner should really be in bed and not talking to people. But... it's also a little cheerier than it's been, and maybe that's enough.]

I know everyone's already started to chime in about being okay, and everything that's happened since the attack on the fortress the other day. So... I guess I should start by saying that I'm fine. Really, really tired, and I took a bad blow to my back that will take some time to heal, but I'm mostly okay. It's nothing some bandages and rest won't heal. [Probably.]

After that, though, I think I need to apologize. I said some... kind of careless things earlier. I wasn't really thinking straight, after... some things happened, and I'm afraid I worried a few people. So... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone straight to the journal after everything, and I kind of regret it now. N-not the part about telling everyone that the people had disappeared. Something else. Um... I'm just going to stop rambling about that for now.

I guess I'm just really burned out, and that's a hard feeling to deal with right now. I'm worried, and I'm exhausted, and I hurt, and there's nothing I can really do about it. I shouldn't be restless right now, but... here I am. So if anyone has any advice on not feeling like you've messed up really badly after everything that's happened, I would love it - I kind of need it.

[A short time after this goes up, Rikka's crewmates can find her out on the deck, looking out at the water. That, or preparing to make social calls to make sure her friends are okay.]

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[Rikka's attention is drawn by the smell of something sweet, and she follows it to the mess to find a pie sitting on the table to cool. The sudden presence of a pie raises a question, but then it's answered handily by the presence of the person who stabbed me-

There's a short, sharp shriek as Rikka registers who's standing there with the pie, and she fights the urge to run away, but she's twitching badly. It seems her mind won't let her forget the person that nearly killed her just yet.]

Gaius...

Edited (I can code, I swear!) 2014-02-01 17:37 (UTC)

[It probably doesn't help that at that very moment Gaius had just pulled a knife from a drawer, one he almost drops on the table when he hears that shriek.

Oh gods, so much for hoping it was going to go smoothly. It's with obvious hesitation that the thief turns to glance over in the girl's direction. He very deliberately sets the knife down as well.]

...hey.

[He gives himself a mental kick. That's all? Really?]

[Okay, making a very obvious effort not to be violent, not moving except to set the knife down, apparently not expecting to see her here... probably not going to kill her again. Now, if only she could convince her body of that.]

I, um... it's been a little while, hasn't it?

[How do you even get on the right topic here? "It's okay, I forgive you for getting dangerously close to killing me" doesn't really tend to come out right. And, honestly... was she ready to forgive him? Even if it wasn't his fault, she can tell just from how her body is reacting that there's still a lot of unconscious - and, really, conscious fear there. And she can't be afraid of someone she's supposed to be on good terms with.]

...this is really awkward. I'm sorry.

[He scratches the back of his head, unable to help but let his gaze drift away from her, back towards the pie. It's much easier to look at than to meet Rikka's eyes.]

...yeah. Guess it has.

[Awkward is an understatement. It's so thick you could probably use that knife to cut through it. He's having about the same dilemma as her when it comes to figuring out how to broach such a subject. Apologizing for nearly killing someone isn't something he'd ever thought he'd have to do.

That Rikka's obviously not comfortable being in the same room as him is telling enough, but Gaius can't blame her for it. It makes him feel a little sick to his stomach to think he'd almost killed her too.]

....

I... [Okay, he feels as bad about this as she does. That's worth something, right? Damn traitorous body and its feelings.]

...I understand that what happened wasn't your fault. I want to forgive you, but... even if I do that, I'm still not going to be okay with you for a little bit. Do you... understand?

[It makes sense to her, but then, it's her. After everything, she knows her emotions don't make a whole lot of sense in general anymore.]

[Those words sting more than they're probably meant to. It takes some effort for Gaius to finally offer a nod. He folds his arms, leaning slightly against the table, which conveniently keeps him from having to look directly at Rikka.]

...but it was my fault. I knew what I was doing. Saying it wasn't my idea won't change the facts. I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, and it's pretty apparent, even if you did say as much, that you don't believe it either.

[He shakes his head.]

So don't say anything you're not sure about. ...appreciate the honesty, though. I...I understand that you won't be okay with me. Probably works out better for both of us, I guess.

[...this is a lot harder than he'd thought it was going to be, and he's not even sure if half the things he's saying makes sense. He pauses, swallowing as he gathers his thoughts before he takes a deep breath and stands away from the table, turning to face her.

This feeling. He knows this feeling. It's the same, queasy feeling of unease that he'd felt when he was in the Ylissian castle, finding out that he'd been hired on to assassinate the Exalt. Back then he'd been used too, but at least he'd had the ability to opt out, and he hadn't caused anyone harm.

Killing people never sat well with him. Fighting against opposing armies, it was difficult. Libra had told him that to pray for his well-being was as good as asking for the death of his adversaries. He'd never said anything about this sort of circumstance. Gaius finally releases that breath.]

...I'm sorry, though. I'm sorry for what I did, and...I'm glad that I didn't succeed. Even if you can't forgive me, I want to say this, at least.

[He bows his head.]

I'm... I'm glad for that, too. It was a close thing, though.

[She tries to stop shaking quite so much, but it's only a few seconds before she gives it up as a lost cause.]

I am so scared right now, even if I know you're not going to hurt me again. But knowing you regret what happened... that helps, a little bit. Someday, I want us to be friends. That someday is not today, and I think it's best I left before I say or do something I'm going to regret later.

[Rikka takes a slight step backwards, never taking her eyes off Gaius. She hates what this has done to her, but she hates that she can't forgive him for it even more.

[Gaius can only nod. Even if he only catches a glimpse of her, the fear the girl has towards him is not something he can ignore. It's strange to realize you're the source of someone's discomfort. He'd never thought he would scare anyone like this. In that, it kind of scares him.]

...I was going to offer some apple pie, if you wanted to try it. I guess it'll be here.

[If she'd wanted to stay in the galley, he would have left, save that Rikka stands in the doorway, and he's afraid he'd freak her out if he even budged an inch from where he was currently standing.

So instead, he remains where he is, pointedly looking in the opposite direction in hopes that maybe if he doesn't focus so much on her that she'd feel more at ease in leaving. Ugh, this is really awkward. It's even spoiled his appetite for pie.]

I am... I'm sorry, Gaius. I didn't want things to be like this, but... I'm only human. I'll come back in a little while for some of that pie - whatever else happened, I have faith it'll be good.

[During all this, she's still almost frozen - her legs are moving away, but aside from that nothing else seems to want to work except her mouth. She hates herself for letting it show, but... it's what she's got. As her backstep takes her out the door, she shuts it quietly, before everything seems to loosen up and her footfalls are heavy as she runs as fast as her feet will carry her.]

....

[He doesn't fault her, but it still doesn't do a thing to settle that feeling like a lead weight in his gut. Even though the door closes behind her once the girl steps outside, he can still hear the hurried sounds of her departure that follow.

The table shudders but slightly with the impact of his fist, but the dull throb of pain in his hand is nothing to compare by far.]

007 ♦ Voice

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