piratejournal | [voice - backdated to 1st September, following fighting from the rescue mission!]

[It's almost nostalgic. The way everything has shut down around him, he can't hear anything, he can't see anything and he can't even feel the touch of his clothes or the floor under his feet. He knows, from how he stopped smelling and tasting blood in the battlefield, that those senses are also gone, and most probably his voice is as well. Just like it happened years before. Except that back then, he was facing a formidable enemy and didn't know if he would ever recover his senses.

Now, he knows that it's only temporal. It's the only thing he can really "feel", the way his body battles the countless poisons that bitch infected him with. They won't kill him, and even if they did it would only make him recover faster, so he's not terribly worried. But despite that, it's better if he heals as fast as possible.

It's mostly a shoot in the dark, he's not sure if anyone on the ship can really help, but he doesn't lose anything from trying. Selphie is his first option, but walking around the ship in his state is difficult, even if he expands his Cosmos as much as he can to try to "see". Most of his energy is focused on healing his body after all. He reaches out with his Cosmos, searching for Selphie's and latching into it when he finds it, even as he tries to go to where she is, he calls for her through it hoping that she won't freak out when she suddenly "hears" his voice in her mind.]

{I need you.}

*Freaking out is more or less Selphie's first reaction. She can definitely hear him, but she's in her room and he is definitely not in there. She checks under her bed anyway, just in case. Uncertain, Selphie opens the door to her room and checks outside, looking up and down the hallway*

Ikki? Where are you?

*Selphie says it out loud, but the words are clear in her mind as well. Given the recent fights, she knows that what he's asking for is his help, so she makes her way straight to Ikki's room anyway, just in case. But that she could hear him and still hasn't seen him has kind of freaked her out. Still, she'll eventually arrive at his door and knock, still sounding uncertain, just in case she'd been imagining things*

Ikki?

[Through their connected Cosmos, even without words, Selphie may notice feelings that don't really belong to her, mostly frustration followed by a sense of being lost. Where is he is actually a good question.]

{I'm trying to get to where you are. I can't make my way around the ship, I'm not sure where I am.}

[The only reason why he's sure his starting point was his room was because he could sense his Cloth's Cosmos. But as he felt Selphie moving and his walking did nothing to close the distance to her, he has the feeling that he made the wrong turn somewhere.]

{My senses are gone. I can't see, hear, sniff, feel what I touch or taste anything. And my body is fighting a lot of different poisons at the same time. I'm communicating with you through my Cosmos.}

[He tries to turn around and return where he was, if Selphie tries to search for him further along the halls she may be able to see him walk by and miss the turn that would take him to his room. Visually he doesn't look too terribly, there are many wounds but none of them are bleeding, however they are small enough that they should be gone already. It's obvious that with his regeneration capacity working against the poison those wounds take a far back seat regarding priorities.]

*Soon as Selphie feels that frustration and the feeling lost from him, her own thoughts become a kind of panic, and very concerned. She wonders briefly if that's something he can sense too, but her need to find him becomes more urgent*

Through your Cosmos...

*Selphie whispers the words out loud, but in her mind her thoughts are a jumble of worry for what he has been telling her, and thinking about the condition he must be in*

Stay where you are. I'll find you.

*At least when she speaks it's in commanding tones, so that Ikki can be reassured, she hopes, that she can fix this situation, and that she isn't going crazy with concern. She sets off immediately, almost running as she makes her way around the ship to find him. Selphie does eventually see him and she rushes over. Aware that he can't see or hear her, Selphie places a hand on his shoulder, gently, though she isn't sure he can feel it*

Ikki. I'm here.

[No matter how commanding she tries to be, or how much she wants to reassure him, he can sense her worrying and panicking. Maybe asking for her help wasn't such a good idea, but he had promised he would call for her whenever he needed help first. What is he doing upholding such an old promise, made in better days, is something that escapes him, but he's not in the mood to question it much.]

{Calm down. I'm fine, or as fine as I can be. It's not the first time I'm in this state.}

[And he doubts it will be the last. He stops telling his muscles to move, though, remaining still in the hallway. Eyes open but staring at nothing but darkness. He hates to have to stay still, it increases the feeling of being lost tenfold. The world around him stops existing, he can't feel anything and it's as if he floats in nothingness. Normally he wouldn't mind that but it's the emotional nothingness what he likes, not the physical one.

He tries to focus his Cosmos on Selphie, to track her down, to see how close she is to him. But even so he fails to notice when she reaches him and nothing tells him of her hand touching his shoulder. As far as he knows, there's nothing there until she speaks and he realizes that she's close. He reaches with an arm for her, completely missing her body and own hand, and he ends hopelessly trying to take a grip at the air, trying to touch it and unable to tell if she's there or not.]

{I can't speak, my voice is gone together with my sense of taste and everything else. I apologize if this is uncomfortable, but I can't wait for my body to fight this all off on its own. It would take over a week that way.}

[Back home it wouldn't have mattered for him to be missing that long, he was always missing unless there was a fight. But here...]

Ikki, this - Can you read my mind? My thoughts?

*Selphie is continuing to say her thoughts out loud, because it's weird for her not to. Still, the worry in her head is obvious, and she's doing her best not to make that apparent in her words. When he holds out his arm and misses her, she gives a small intake of breath, her eyes sad and wide as she stares at how unseeing he seems. She takes his arm and steps close to him, pulling him into a hug*

I'm - I'm...giving you a hug. If that helps - but I guess... this is doing nothing. Sorry.

*She steps away and looks him over sadly*

What do you need? Healing? Anything else? Let's get you to your room and I'll see what I can do, okay? We'll get you healed up in no time.

{I'm reaching for your Cosmos and latching into it. I can hear your thoughts as well as you can hear mine... And sense what you're feeling too. I'm sorry, I can't just do one thing without the other.}

[He can't even tell when his arm is being moved, he wouldn't be sure that he can move at all if it wasn't because he obviously walked. He senses how worried she is and tries to shield from her those things, worry isn't what they need.

His arm remains wherever she put it, trying to move a bit, still grasping at air. Even if it ends on her body, it's clear from the way it moves that he can't feel her, it's as if there's nothing there for him.]

{I can sense you close to me.}

[Which isn't saying much and thus means the hug is really not doing anything but... It's all he can offer.]

{My body is on the verge of dying. I've been infected with more poisons I care to count, I'm not sure if my loss of senses is due those poisons or as a defense mechanism. But I suppose that if you have anything that could work even a bit against poison it would be some help already.}

[He has no objections on going to his room, or wherever she wants, but she will have to guide him. A lot.]

Well! That's fine. I mean - whatever. Cause, it's not like I have... - anyway - whatever. Doesn't matter.

*This knowledge gets her rather scared, now, of what Ikki might be able to read in her mind, or the feelings that he knows that she has. Selphie tries to think of random things, anything other than how painful it is for her to see him like this, and how apparent her deep care for him must be*

I am. I'm close. I'm going to stay close until we get you fixed.

*But any confidence crumbled when he mentioned being so close to dying. Her heart sinks while she can feel her body tense in anger at the same time*

What the hell are you thinking?! Walking around like this when you're so close to dying? What the hell, Ikki?!

*Without waiting even another moment, Selphie gathers together an esuna spell, aiming straight for whatever poison is within his body*

{I won't dig into your Cosmos. Whatever you want to hide, you can do it by not feeling it.}

[Or by being lucky that Ikki knows so little about social interactions and emotions that he doesn't think twice or anything about how worried she is or how much she cares. He's sure she would feel the same way if this was anyone else.

He may not hear, but her thoughts and emotions are quite loud when her anger flares, enough to make him wince slightly at how unexpected it was.]

{I was thinking that if I die due poison I would be alive again in less than a few minutes and that the Cosmos increase that revival produces would eliminate the remaining poison and give me back my senses. I wasn't trying to do that, though, I just wanted to get to you.}

[Where he knew he would be safe and get help no matter what, though he doesn't say that, or rather doesn't try to transmit it. It's possible that some of that feeling slips, though, and thus she could sense how much he trusts her. The only person in whom he would trust in this state, when he's completely helpless.]

{Besides, Chandra and Haruta didn't get off unscathed either. I should be glad that I was able to take this much within myself and thus not have them being affected by all this.}

[The spell works, but there's too much poison in his body so it doesn't seem to do much at first glance.]

*The next bit Selphie doesn't say out loud, but she forgets for a moment how this is working, so the thought is probably perfectly audible to him: "But it's so hard when you're around... Worse when you are dying..."*

Well - here I am. Just next time - not that you should let there be a next time- but next time you should wait for me to come to you...

*Once the spell has taken place, Selphie can see that it doesn't seem to be working as well as she'd hoped, and she sighs in frustration. But she seems to perk up, if only for a second, at the mention of Chandra*

Chandra! She's back?

*Then Selphie gets back to the job at hand, hooking her arm in his and trying to drag him along the small distance towards his room*

C'mon - let's get you lying down in your bed... I'm going to turn left soon, then we keep walking straight until I say we can stop, okay?

{I'm sorry.}

[He can't know if the thought was intended to be heard or not, not when she has it so present in her mind. So he assumes it was, even if it confuses him. He says nothing about a next time, he doesn't feel like apologizing again or thinking about there being a next time.]

{Yes, she arrived suddenly during Haruta's fight, then Haruta got hurt and I ran to them to help them. I thought we were going to lose Haruta.}

[And he had been honestly quite terrified by the idea, it didn't help his anger regarding having three siblings missing either. His body follows her rather easily, tumbling and tripping though Ikki doesn't notice any of that. The explanation about when to turn left or right means nothing to him at the moment, by now he's completely disoriented and fails to know which is left, right, front or back. He says nothing about that, though, not wanting to worry her more.]

{I'll do my best to follow.}

[Which is... Definitively not much. But he can't lie to her, she may notice that something was left unsaid, though.]

*Hearing him respond to something that she thought had gone unheard was very awkward. She makes a small noncommittal noise, and is grateful he can't see how flustered she is right then*

It's good, though - having people come back.

*She really is pleased to have Chandra back, though something flashes in her mind of having lost her friend Adol recently. And Aya too, again. Selphie tries to focus everything just on helping Ikki make it back to his room, but it's proving rather difficult. Finally, though, they shuffle up towards his door*

There, see? We're at your room! We just need to get you into bed and rested up nicely.

*Selphie did have the feeling that there was something unsaid somewhere, and blinks at him as she goes to open his door*

Was there something else that happened? Or anything else I can do for you?

{It is, probably others will be back eventually as well.}

[The words are meant to be comforting, he knows how badly she has it, how Aya is gone and how close they are. To say that they are close isn't the right thing but he refuses to acknowledge anything else. And because of that, while he doesn't say it, there's a bitter feeling in his words that sweeps towards her. He wouldn't mind if some people never returned due his own selfishness.

He's surprised when she announces that they are back in his room, unsure if the trip was long or short. He's silent when she asks if something else happened or if she can do anything else for him. His thoughts and feelings guarded so nothing slips until he finally communicates with her again.]

{I don't suppose you could stay with me, could you?}

[For a second he considers blocking everything, to not let her notice how he's feeling but... He's not sure she would stay with him just because he asks, so he lets her feel an inch of what he's feeling. Of how lost he is, of the fear that constantly builds in him despite how sure and confident he may sound and seem. It's like being in a vast of nothingness, floating in the middle of the space. Unable to know where he is or in which position. Unable to feel his own body. And the only company, the only sign of life are a bunch of small lights of Cosmos that are like stars, all of them standing away, beyond his reach.

He doesn't let her feel everything, just a little bit, enough so she understands. Or so he hopes at least.]