piratejournal | [voice - backdated to 1st September, following fighting from the rescue mission!]

{I won't dig into your Cosmos. Whatever you want to hide, you can do it by not feeling it.}

[Or by being lucky that Ikki knows so little about social interactions and emotions that he doesn't think twice or anything about how worried she is or how much she cares. He's sure she would feel the same way if this was anyone else.

He may not hear, but her thoughts and emotions are quite loud when her anger flares, enough to make him wince slightly at how unexpected it was.]

{I was thinking that if I die due poison I would be alive again in less than a few minutes and that the Cosmos increase that revival produces would eliminate the remaining poison and give me back my senses. I wasn't trying to do that, though, I just wanted to get to you.}

[Where he knew he would be safe and get help no matter what, though he doesn't say that, or rather doesn't try to transmit it. It's possible that some of that feeling slips, though, and thus she could sense how much he trusts her. The only person in whom he would trust in this state, when he's completely helpless.]

{Besides, Chandra and Haruta didn't get off unscathed either. I should be glad that I was able to take this much within myself and thus not have them being affected by all this.}

[The spell works, but there's too much poison in his body so it doesn't seem to do much at first glance.]

*The next bit Selphie doesn't say out loud, but she forgets for a moment how this is working, so the thought is probably perfectly audible to him: "But it's so hard when you're around... Worse when you are dying..."*

Well - here I am. Just next time - not that you should let there be a next time- but next time you should wait for me to come to you...

*Once the spell has taken place, Selphie can see that it doesn't seem to be working as well as she'd hoped, and she sighs in frustration. But she seems to perk up, if only for a second, at the mention of Chandra*

Chandra! She's back?

*Then Selphie gets back to the job at hand, hooking her arm in his and trying to drag him along the small distance towards his room*

C'mon - let's get you lying down in your bed... I'm going to turn left soon, then we keep walking straight until I say we can stop, okay?

{I'm sorry.}

[He can't know if the thought was intended to be heard or not, not when she has it so present in her mind. So he assumes it was, even if it confuses him. He says nothing about a next time, he doesn't feel like apologizing again or thinking about there being a next time.]

{Yes, she arrived suddenly during Haruta's fight, then Haruta got hurt and I ran to them to help them. I thought we were going to lose Haruta.}

[And he had been honestly quite terrified by the idea, it didn't help his anger regarding having three siblings missing either. His body follows her rather easily, tumbling and tripping though Ikki doesn't notice any of that. The explanation about when to turn left or right means nothing to him at the moment, by now he's completely disoriented and fails to know which is left, right, front or back. He says nothing about that, though, not wanting to worry her more.]

{I'll do my best to follow.}

[Which is... Definitively not much. But he can't lie to her, she may notice that something was left unsaid, though.]

*Hearing him respond to something that she thought had gone unheard was very awkward. She makes a small noncommittal noise, and is grateful he can't see how flustered she is right then*

It's good, though - having people come back.

*She really is pleased to have Chandra back, though something flashes in her mind of having lost her friend Adol recently. And Aya too, again. Selphie tries to focus everything just on helping Ikki make it back to his room, but it's proving rather difficult. Finally, though, they shuffle up towards his door*

There, see? We're at your room! We just need to get you into bed and rested up nicely.

*Selphie did have the feeling that there was something unsaid somewhere, and blinks at him as she goes to open his door*

Was there something else that happened? Or anything else I can do for you?

{It is, probably others will be back eventually as well.}

[The words are meant to be comforting, he knows how badly she has it, how Aya is gone and how close they are. To say that they are close isn't the right thing but he refuses to acknowledge anything else. And because of that, while he doesn't say it, there's a bitter feeling in his words that sweeps towards her. He wouldn't mind if some people never returned due his own selfishness.

He's surprised when she announces that they are back in his room, unsure if the trip was long or short. He's silent when she asks if something else happened or if she can do anything else for him. His thoughts and feelings guarded so nothing slips until he finally communicates with her again.]

{I don't suppose you could stay with me, could you?}

[For a second he considers blocking everything, to not let her notice how he's feeling but... He's not sure she would stay with him just because he asks, so he lets her feel an inch of what he's feeling. Of how lost he is, of the fear that constantly builds in him despite how sure and confident he may sound and seem. It's like being in a vast of nothingness, floating in the middle of the space. Unable to know where he is or in which position. Unable to feel his own body. And the only company, the only sign of life are a bunch of small lights of Cosmos that are like stars, all of them standing away, beyond his reach.

He doesn't let her feel everything, just a little bit, enough so she understands. Or so he hopes at least.]

*Selphie pauses at that bitterness, not really sure where it comes from, or where it is directed too. She tries not to worry about it to much, though it migbt appear clear to Ikki tbat worry is the very forefront she's feeling right now. Try as she might to hide it, she knows she's not great at concealing her inner thoughts right now*

Of course I'll stay.

*Before even being given access to his feelings she knows that she'll stay. But when she gets a better sense of how he's feeling right now, she knows all the more that she has no intention of leaving. She guides Ikki into the room, and towards his bed, hoping she can get him to lie or sit*

Would you like me to heal you? Being you food? Drink? Anything?

*She sits down on the edge of his bed, a frown on her face as she lifts a hand to brush away hair from his eyes, though she's sure he can't see it or feel it*

[He notices the worry but isn't sure if it's due what he said or his current state. He decides to not address it for now, not really wanting to have to explain in case it's because of what he said. Still he can't help some surprise to slip to her when she says that she will stay, betraying that part of him thought she wouldn't do so. But he hides it quickly, hopefully if she asks he will be able to brush it off as being surprised that she doesn't have other people screaming for her.

He remains unaware of what's going on as she guides him into the room and towards the bed. His body moves, awkwardly and with difficulty, stumbling with each step as she guides him, feeling more like trying to move a giant puppet than a person. As he has no idea where he is regarding his room, unless she instructs him to try to sit, Selphie will have to do all the work by pushing his body down.]

{I'm not sure I would be able to eat or drink anything as of now. I can move my body, but without the sense of touch I can't feel how it moves. I could end spilling the drink or food anywhere but inside my mouth.}

[His body remains immobile, eyes open staring at the wall of his room which he can't see, sitting on a bed he can't sense. For most people he would probably look like a corpse if not for the rhythmic breathing easy to notice on closer inspection.]

{This isn't the first time I'm in this state, but it's the first time that I have to stay like this for some time. The first time I was in the middle of a fight, I didn't need to worry about food or anything that wasn't getting to my opponent and attack him. After that, Shaka helped me to recover my senses, but here there's no one who can do that. My best guess is that if you have magic that can fight poison, maybe with your help it will take less for my senses to recover.

At the very least I should try to recover my touch sense, with that I will be able to actually function somehow.}

[He would be able to feel his body and thus move more accurately, as well as tell where solid things are. And he would be able to feel Selphie hugging him if she did it again.]

*Selphie did have herself quite a difficult time of trying to bend and push his body into sitting down, because she didn't think that it would mean much to him in his current state if she'd asked him to sit. Still, it was worth suggesting*

You're...sitting on your bed now. If you'd like to, there's space for you to try and lie down if that helps. But if you're hungry I could, y'know, I could feed you..if it helps.

*Already she could feel herself flushing at the thought but she knew she would help him in such a way if he asked. Sitting down carefully beside him, she leaned close and attempted to look into his eyes*

Oh - wait! Right! I have a spell I can use. Maybe even twice.

*So saying, Selphie took a deep breath as she did what she could to pull together a strong esuna spell, at least one that would ease his pain somehow and make things easier for him. Her mind focused, concentrating hard on getting the spell to work*

{Feed me? I suppose that's not a bad idea, though I would prefer to be able to see you if that happened.}

[There's only a faint hint of humor in his thoughts, but it's clear that he appreciates the offer. Still, he would prefer if that wasn't needed, he doesn't want to be more of a burden and annoyance than he must be already, and that's also quite clear through their link.]

{Try to not exhaust yourself, Selphie. I don't know how powerful your spell is, but there's a lot of poison and many different types of it in my body now. Don't get frustrated if you can't heal it all.}

[And he means it. What she did before only managed to help a little, but in his current state even that is a great help. It's a pity they can't know what's the best way to recover his senses, but whatever poison she can heal will be poison his body won't have to deal with. He allows her do her job, waiting patiently as the spell works in his body cleaning some of the poisons on it.]

See me?!

*Her mind then becomes a flustered jumble, another mental blush, in a way. She doesn't know why he'd rather see her if she was feeding him but her mind is making leaps to all sorts of romantic scenarios that she is desperately trying to cover up*

It's fine. It's fine. I'll do the spell again.

*Amazing, she thought, how he already guessed that she'd be frustrated at not being able to fix him. But then, he did know her well*

Maybe not - but I'll try to make it all better anyway! Just...let me try one more just now. Jist in case!

*Following that second spell, Selphie knows thaf it's quite strong, but also that it was indees a little exhausting for her*

Is that better..? Are you feeling okay..?

[He didn't expect that reaction, or rather, he expected the surprise, but not what followed up. Her attempts to cover it all work, blocking him from seeing most of it, but he still sees more than enough of those romantic scenarios that his words brought up. Even just one of them, even just the mental blush per say, are enough. It was one thing when they were drunk but now they aren't and in fact with this way of communication lying becomes close to impossible for both of them.

His body doesn't move, but she will be able to feel in his thoughts the equivalent to a nervous shifting as he tries to reorganize his thoughts. As he tries to make sense of things and decide if he dares or not to bring that up. The fact that there's something he's not saying is far more obvious and clear than before even as he focuses on her spells.]

{It's not amazing, anyone who knows you would know how impatient you are. And how much you want to help others right away... Or at least they should know that.}

[Maybe they don't know. Just like they don't know how to tell even just by the way she stands when she's herself and when her body is being used by someone else.

The spells do their work, his senses don't seem to return, but he can feel how his Cosmos becomes less strained upon having to battle less damage. It's probably not much for others' standards, but it's a lot for him. He nods, slowly, unsure if he's actually doing it or not before he raises a hand, searching for her face even if he can't feel it.]

{That's all right, Selphie. You helped a lot. My senses don't seem to be recovering yet, but I can tell that my Cosmos has less to do now. I'll be okay soon.}

[There's a long and heavy pause in his thoughts. It seems as if nothing may come until something slips to her, weak and small, a thought that he's not allowing to properly form but that is there anyway.]

{Would you take care of me until then?}

*Selphie feels that nervous mental shifting, and it makes her thoughts grow cloudy. There's a slight darkness to them as she silently internally berates herself for being such an idiot and allowing him to see her thoughts so easily. There's again that sense that he eants to say something, and she wonders if he really does want her to stick around*

As long as I'm doing something to help... Don't worry about asking for more healing, if that's what you need. I really don't mind. I want to help.

*She takes his hand, and although she doesn't know what he was planning on doing with it, she places it on her face and leans her cheek into it. He can't feel anyway, she reasons to herself*

Of course I'll take care of you - anything you need at all. But hey, don't worry too much, you'll be right as rain in no time, and then you won't need me around.

{Don't do that.}

[He senses how her thoughts grow cloudy, the darkness to them and it makes him wonder what she's hiding. Is it because he saw those thoughts? Or is it because she had them to begin with? Maybe she is angry with herself for that, for thinking that way even for another moment. Maybe it's just a part of her which still feels that way, a small part that will slowly die away.]

{I know you want to help, but I don't want you exhausting yourself for me. Or for anyone. You already do a lot by not leaving me alone, thank you.}

[His thoughts shift to cursing himself for not being able to touch her, he raised his hand but he can't know if it's touching her or even if she took it. He wants to caress her face and hair, even if he can't sense it, so he transmits that to her, hoping that she will allow him so.]

{My best guess right now is that it will take three days or so for me to recover. Maybe a bit less if you can do that spell again tomorrow.}

[The last part of what she says almost causes a backlash, it doesn't happen but it's clear that he doesn't like or approve of that thought. But he can't blame her, can he?]

{I must seem a pretty pathetic burden to you now, don't I? I can't blame you for wanting to be done with this as soon as possible. I'm lucky that you would want to help me despite that though.}

[Others could have left him there. Could have ignored his call for help or just provide the minimal one. Not be willing to stay there with him for as long as he needs it. But there's a fault in her thoughts, a fault that is what causes him to disapprove of that.]

{... But I always need you around.}

I'm sorry...

*The dark clouds shifted and lifted, but there was still a lingering worry about what he saw but, even greater, the concern that he didn't like it*

Oh. You're welcome. But of course I'll try again tomorrow - as much as you need and as long as it takes.

*Selphie tries to show a mental image, of her sitting holding his palm to his cheek, so he'd know they were sitting closely, and that she was happy for him to touch her if he wanted. That particulat thought was transmitted with more warmth than perhaps either of them had anticipated*

But -you shouldn't say those things. I'm not trying to hurry up and get away. I like being with you and I want to help.

*Her cheeks warmed with that last thing he said, and she was pleased that he at least couldn't see her blush*

...then I'll be here as long as you need be.

[She's worried about what he saw, that he didn't like it, he can tell that much. But he can't tell if she herself is disgusted with it or not. Maybe she's just worried that he will get angry and threat her again, even if he explained that it hadn't been his real thoughts, that back then he would have done it with anyone... She has no real way to know if that's true after all.]

{Okay, but only if you're not too tired. I can sense your energy levels, so don't think of feigning to be more energetic than you really are. I would hate to recover quickly at the cost of you getting exhausted.}

[He smiles at the image that she projects, hoping that it's what is really happening and not just what she would like to happen or anything like that. He's surprised by the warmth that accompanies it and his hand trembles before shifting a bit, caressing her face slowly.]

{So... Am I not a burden to you? Don't you think that I look pathetic being so helpless? You don't think less of me?}

[Ikki may not be able to see her blush, but he can sense her Cosmos, the way it shifts. He's not sure what it exactly means but it doesn't seem to be anything bad which is a relief.]

{You should be careful with what you say. What if I decided to keep you here with me forever?}

[It probably shouldn't be a thought as tempting as it is to him.]

No. I'll be fine. I'm not going to be running round of doing anything crazy anyway.

*Though she had thought it would have been much easier to fake her energy than it apparently really would be. As for running, she wouldn't be doing too much thanks to the large cut she had down her leg from the attack, though she doesn't say anything about it. Though it's there in her thoughts. It wasn't nearly as important as what Ikki was going through*

Why would I think less of you? That doesn't make sense. You got hurt trying to help people, protecting others too I bet, and you're persevering. So no, I don't think less of you. The whole not being to be spatially aware is pretty hilarious though. I mean, I pretty much had to wrestle you to the bed.

*As it was, even as his hand touched her face, Selphie's own hand hovered over his, since it was shaking, and she didn't think being poked in the eye would be a good idea. She felt a surge of warmth at his last statements, laughing out as though very happy, but also amused*

Forever, huh? Maybe you should be careful too - that's a long time, you know!

{What about your own wounds?}

[He doesn't know what injuries she may have sustained, but he's sure that she's not without a scratch, unfortunately. Their opponents weren't mere rookies or idiots and it had been a long and draining fight for everyone. It would be overly optimistic to think that she wasn't hurt, even if in comparison his own situation is worse than hers.]

{Hilarious, huh? Good to see that someone finds something to laugh about.}

[He doesn't share her opinion, but he doesn't blame her for finding it funny. In his mind, though, that's the same as finding him pathetic, at least in this state. He would have preferred to never show her a sight of him being like that.]

{I know it's a long time, remember? Eternity may end being mine after all.}

They're no big deal. Nothing really. Just a little cut. It'll take much less to heal this than for you to get better.

*She sighs gently as she looks into his unseeing eyes, hoping hard that she'll be able to really make things better for him. Again, she lifted some hair from his face, even if he couldn't see it or feel it*

Sorry - I didn't mean for that to sound cruel or anything but - it's just - if I don't think about it in a funny way it's... hard.

*Because seeing him like this was difficult - not hearing or seeing or feeling. She felt so sad for him the way he was like that*

Hm - thought it was good to remind you to be careful. Just in case I do hang around forever and you just get bored!

{Then I expect to see you fully healed once I'm better.}

[So she better takes really good care of herself.

He's silent for a moment after that, his thoughts blocked from her during that time.]

{Hard, because you pity me?}

[The thought feels heavy, as if the question hides more than what it seems to be. Does she just care because of that? Because she pities him? He's so pathetic and lame in this state, he's pitiable and she can't bring herself to walk away from that. He is grateful for that, though it would be a bit bitter if it was so.]

{Boredom wasn't our problem, was it?}

Alright. I will be. I promise! You can check it if you like too!

*But then in the silence Selphie grew suddenly nervous, moving her hand away from his, and she glanced away from his face, not that he could see her expression*

No. That's not what I mean.

*She sounded hurt by the statement, upset that Ikki would suggest such a thing about her. She bit her lip and stared at her feet, frowning*

It hurts because... I don't like seeing you hurt like this. I know you don't like it - but it's not like I'm pitying you. Not in that way - not in any way.

*She took a deep breath and ran her hands through her hair distractedly. Selphie stopped though at the last thing he said, seeming to hold her breath*

Hn? Wh-what do you mean?

{Just because I can see part of what you think doesn't mean I can see everything. I could but... I told you I wouldn't dive too deeply.}

[Though part of him wants to. It would be easier, faster, than ask questions in hopes of getting an answer for something he's not asking. He didn't mean to hurt or upset her, but he doesn't want to assume. Doesn't dare to, there's probably nothing to assume after all.]

{It hurts? It hurts you to see me like this? ... Why?}

[His body sighs, his hand moving slightly, dropping to her shoulder and then down to her lap in a slow movement to avoid hitting her by accident. He ends pressing it against her thigh, hoping that it's the mattress and not that he's pressing against mere thin air. He looks away even if he can't see her, she can see him and his expressions, and he has no idea what expression he's making at the moment.]

{Exactly what it seems. Boredom was never our problem.}

Oh! Sorry! I know that! It's - this is weird... You're talking but - not talking. And it's like I can..feel you a bit more. It's a funny thing to try to get used to.

*Selphie watches as he drops his hand, a little surprised when it pressed against her thigh. She didn't mind so much, but she was sure that it wasn't where Ikki was happy leaving his hand*

Because I care.

*She picked up his hand to hold it in hers, then moved slightly so that it could actually drop to the mattress this time. She realised how quick and obvious her answer had seemed*

I mean, we're friends...right? That means we look out for one another.

*Selphie watches him turn away, and she leans ever so slightly closer to him*

No. You're right. It never was...

{I suppose that means it's a good thing that I'm blocking most of it all and keeping it at a minimum. It would be more confusing and strange for you otherwise.}

[And it would make him far more vulnerable to her.

He's not aware of the movements his hand goes through, so she finds no resistance from him. As far as he knows, his hand remains where it dropped in the first place since he didn't command it to move.

There's a pause in his thoughts as his Cosmos retreats from hers, breaking the connection. And a sudden void is visible, one that is always there but people like Selphie wouldn't usually notice as they are used to it. It's only for a couple of seconds before his Cosmos reaches for her again, Ikki's thoughts and emotions slipping to her mind once more.]

{Of course, friends and nakama help each other. Thank you.}

[And that's how things are best between them, he has to remind himself that. Besides, no matter what, he doesn't deserve more. He never deserved it, right from the start.]

{See? There's no reason to fear for me getting bored, that wouldn't be a problem.}

Proabably - I don't think my poor little feeble brain could handle all of that!

*She chuckles softly at herself, although she isn't sure if that was the sort of thing that could be heard through her thoughts. He definitely wouldn't be able to hear it or see it anyway*

Ikki...that's not fair...

*Her reproach is gentle, but when he seemed to disconnect like that it had left her feeling a little lost. As he slips back into her thoughts he can probably sense that she feels a little put out*

You can get all silent in my head, but I can't get all silent to you...

*Besides, when she'd tried to hide something she'd attempted to cloud it all over, but he'd asked her to stop so she did. Selphie sighs a little, lifting her head from where it had been almost lying on his shoulder*

Well, I'm glad. Cause if I'm gonna be looking after you for a few days then it'll be no problem since neither of us will be bored. I could even wear a little nurses outfit if you do get bored - not that you could see it!

*And she was back to trying to make things more lighthearted again*

{It would have been less fair for you to let you see that.}

[Despite his words he is apologetic and the feeling is clear in his thoughts. As he senses her thoughts, he realizes that there's something he has to clarify.]

{I wasn't asking you to stop clouding your thoughts. I just wanted you to stop thinking whatever you were thinking, it had a dark feeling to it so I assumed that you were again blaming yourself on things. Like thinking that I was angry because of what you had thought or that I didn't want you around... Or that you were angry and disgusted at yourself for thinking that of me.}

[Sure, he would have liked to know what she was thinking exactly, where the darkness came from, but he had promised to respect her thoughts as much as he could.]

{I suppose I could teach you how to use your Cosmos, so you could "get all silent to me" even when I do this... But I'm a selfish bastard who doesn't want you being able to vanish from my mind.}

[And he's not really sorry about that. Hate him all you want, Selphie, he knows he deserves it, but it's not going to change his mind.

There's again a pause at her next thoughts, though the link doesn't break this time. It's more like all his thoughts just freeze in place. When they restart, the first thing that slips is the mental image of Selphie in a nurse outfit. Just as she said and with a very short skirt showing off those legs of hers, being ready to take care of Ikki. The thought is quickly smashed away and hidden, but it's too late to deny that it existed. What comes next is pretty much a literal jumble of thoughts and a feeling that can only be described as "mental blushing".

When he finally settles down and manages out a clear thought, there's a sense of embarrassment due to the awful job he did blocking that from her.]

{Who's the one not being fair now?}

[voice - backdated to 1st September, following fighting from the rescue mission!]

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