[Written] Baby it's cold outside

[hollywood_bro]

it's colder than the sea witch's titties out here
not that i ever touched them. ew.
huge boner killer
but it's unreal like
i can't get warm even if i'm sitting next to a fire.
so
who wants to help me get warm?
shit i hate that this thing can't take video
there's no way for me to show you how awesome i am.
hold up
wait a minute

[Dave decides to draw a self portrait with the same red ink he's been using to write. He makes his face and hair first, carelessly scribbles in his shades, and when he gets to his body he decides that he doesn't give a shit about anatomy.]

[Wow. That is the shittiest drawing ever. It's cool though, in an ironic sort of way. Dave is completely convinced that this shitty drawing will get him laid. Girls love a guy with a sense of humor.]

there
i'm fucking ripped.
who wants me?

[Feel free to have your character laugh at him/make fun of him/etc.]

Comments

[written]

[hollywood_bro]

not sure what a machoke is
but dude
don't knock the butt
girls love a guy with a nice ass don't you know that?

[written]

[thatsmycue]

Not when they're that big. How d'ya even fit through a door with that huge of a rear end?

[written]

[hollywood_bro]

you gotta do the butt wiggle
chicks love that too
...
j/k
who are you?

[written]

[thatsmycue]

Name's Gold! Your's is the first entry on this thing I actually replied to. I hope you feel special.

[written]

[hollywood_bro]

i always feel special
because
i'm famous.
where i'm from people line up for miles to see the movies i make.
if i drew something like that they would sell it on ebay for thousands of dollars
it's a fuckin stider original.

[written]

[thatsmycue]

[if disbelief could be conveyed through handwriting. . .]

What're you famous for? Bein' a bad artist?

[written]

[hollywood_bro]

no i told you i make movies
i write direct and produce them.
people are all over my shit because i'm a celebrity
you think selling a shitty drawing on ebay is weird?
they're digging through my trash looking for my toenail clippings
like why the fuck would anyone want those?

[written]

[thatsmycue]

. . . ew, that's gross.

[written]

[hollywood_bro]

i know right?
what are they going to do with them?
put them in a crystal box on a mantle?
maybe they would
people like that usually have a collection of toenails from different celebrities
mine will be chillin' next to ben stiller's and donald glover's
all they need is owen wilson's toenails
then they'll have the complete set.

Re: [written]

[thatsmycue]

No offense, but your fans are pretty creepy.

[written]

[hollywood_bro]

you have no idea
most fans are though
i wouldn't be famous if they weren't swarming me in public and digging through my trash

[written]

[thatsmycue]

No way, you can be famous without people bein' creeps at ya. You've just gotta appeal to non-creepy fans.

[written]

[hollywood_bro]

it depends on how famous you are
back when i only had a small group of fans it wasn't so bad
but the greater your status the more crazies you attract.
do you know nicolas cage woke up one morning and there was a naked guy standing in his bedroom eating a fudgesicle?
that's why i don't act, man.
like people keep asking me
dave, dave, why don't you star in your own movies?
no way.
the actors get the craziest fans
being a director is not so bad.

[written]

[thatsmycue]

Who's Nicolas Cage?

[written]

[hollywood_bro]

he's an actor
technically he also produces and directs
but no one cares because he sucks at all three
see even the shitty celebrities get crazy stalkers.