piratejournal | [002 || Written]

[His eyes seem to get wider and wider the more Riku speaks and he looks down. That's almost as bad as Naminé telling him he should never have existed. It makes his chest constrict in an uncomfortable way.

So he does disappear, just like he was worried about.

What can Roxas even say to that? His head already hurts, he just drifts away from Riku towards the rail on the deck so he can look out at the ocean. When he sees Sora, is that going to be the end of him?]

[Ahhhhhhhhlkahsfds -- go Riku's inner thoughts. He even groans out loud a bit, dragging his hands over his face. He's really not trying to be hard on the guy. Probably once he sees that Sora is still whole and fine, he won't be so wigged out by Roxas being his own entity again. He knows it's probably...Davy Jones or whoever to blame for that one, but still.

He sighs after a moment, lowering his hands again, and follows Roxas over to the railing and leans against it, propping his elbows on top. He doesn't look at him, instead staring out at the water.]

...You still exist. It's not like you're completely gone, you're just...part of Sora. But I've seen you outside of him before. And you know, you get to see Naminé every day.

[He chances a glance at Roxas out of the corner of his eye.]

But I don't think that's going to happen again when you see him here.

[Roxas doesn't answer at first. His mind is still jumbled. For one thing, he just went through something incredibly difficult to swallow, and here he was in a different world completely lost and standing beside Riku who is telling him that he does just disappear after all. Naminé must have been right when she said he should have never existed. He does exist though, he's been alive for awhile.

It isn't Roxas' fault that he showed up in Twilight Town, outside the mansion. He didn't even have any of Sora's memories then. He was just so empty. The way his chest constricts now, the way he's feeling about everything, he almost wishes he was left like that. Organization XIII...was a bad thing. Naminé told him that much. What he's done hasn't been good then. Why didn't anyone tell him that?

It's Axel that's helped him all this time, Axel who explains everything to him because he has no past life to remember. Sora didn't give it to him, like Axel's Somebody gave him his memories, at least Roxas thinks that's how it works. He's not entirely sure.

If he never should have existed, why does he? What do all of those experiences mean? Sitting on the clock tower with Axel, eating sea salt ice cream after his missions. Did that mean nothing?

At some point, his memory begins the blur at the edges. There are some things he's forgetting, but he left the Organization and ran into Riku. Riku defeated him and then he was sent to have his vacation.

But that isn't real either, is it? Hayner, Olette, Pence, do they even know him or is it all an illusion? What about Naminé? Riku mentioned her, so she must exist somehow. Whatever just happened, it's so confusing and he just doesn't know what to think.

Here he is in a strange place, with water and beaches and Riku confirming what he's worried about. Being part of Sora is still scary, still something he's uncertain about but he was going to do it. He had to, because he had to fix Sora, even if he doesn't know why. In the end, he guesses he did do it, didn't he? Sora woke up and was fine. That's nice in a way.

At least Naminé is okay, if he gets to see her all the time. It was so hard to go see her in the mansion, it's good to know it gets easier and that she was right about them meeting again.

All of this runs through his mind and mostly he's frowning and looking down at the water. His expressions are telling, he's going from upset to frustrated and back to upset. For a Nobody, he's incredibly expressive. He finally speaks, his voice soft.]

At least Sora is okay.

[It's all over for him, so there's no point in pretending otherwise. It sounds like Axel isn't a Nobody anymore. Axel has a heart. He's jealous, and there's something in his throat. Is he sad? Sad and scared. That's it.]

[Notes that long pause and wonders what Roxas is thinking about, but he doesn't ask. Just nods.]

Yeah, he's fine now. Which is a good thing...people need him. Me, Kairi, every world he's saved...

Maybe you'll actually get to meet him.

[Riku is not really helping. Sora's so important and somehow it's a little annoying. Roxas' hands ball into fists and he slams them onto the railing.]

I know I did bad things but I didn't ask for this you know!

[Blows out a breath, rustling his bangs.]

I never said you did bad things. No worse than me, anyway. Don't blow up at me, okay, none of this is my fault either.

Namine told me Organization XII were bad and I did what they wanted.

[Roxas turns to look at him.]

But you're...angry with me. [Maybe anger isn't quite the right emotion.] How can you say things like that? Namine too. I didn't ask to exist. Nobody ever asks me what I want! That's not fair. It's all about Sora. Sora is everything, isn't he?

[His explosion tapers off and he slumps against the railing, tired and emotionally spent. His emotions are strong, visible and not the least bit fabricated.]

It's all about Sora. [He murmurs.] Because I'm a Nobody.

And then you betrayed them. [He looks at Roxas.] I'm not angry with you. I never was. I did what I had to do, and I'm sorry it meant things...ended how they did for you, but I don't know how else it could've possibly gone. You wanted to meet him anyway, didn't you? The result would've been the same.

I think it'll be different here, though.

[He goes quiet for a moment, lowering his eyes. It's not that he doesn't understand why Roxas is frustrated. He does. But he doesn't know what to say. Maybe he didn't ask to exist, and maybe it is all about Sora, but...that's just the cards they were dealt. Both Sora and Roxas couldn't exist as separate entities back in their world. It never would've worked. But he can't expect Roxas to accept and understand that and think it was fair. Because really, it wasn't.]

...What do you want, Roxas?

I wanted to meet him...

[Roxas repeats these words, pressing a palm to his forehead. That's right. He did want to meet Sora, didn't he? He was going after Sora when he met Riku. Why did he do that? Something doesn't feel right about that.]

I did. I did want to meet him. I don't know why. Something was drawing me to him. Before I met Namine...

[He murmurs to himself before flashing his eyes on Riku.]

You can't know that. I could meet him and then that's it.

[He swallows a lump in his throat at the idea. No one would want to just disappear, to be forgotten. It's a tougher thing to face then he'd thought. He's angry about it, he wants to be separate, and yet he also knows he'll never feel or be a whole person without Sora.

What did he want? That was a good question.]

I want...a heart. I want to go to the beach with Axel. Or Hayner, Pence and Olette, except I don't think that was real. I did think it was but now I'm not sure. I want to be less confused. I can't remember things. I know that. Axel's always telling me.

It won't be it. You already met up with Sora in our world. Months and months ago. Unless he's running around here as a Heartless again— [Which Riku seriously hopes is not the case.] —then he's already whole. You...you're from a different point in time.

[He says this confidently, trying to sound 100% sure on the matter.]

You won't disappear when you see him. There's no reason for you to. He doesn't need to have two Nobody halves.

[He doesn't comment on the Hayner, Pence, and Olette thing. No need to make things even more painful.]

...Well. At the very least, we can the beach thing happen. And maybe some of your memories will come back to you with time.

[A different point in time. At least he won't disappear just yet. He's been granted time, somehow. Roxas isn't sure if he feels relieved or not.]

[He nods at that though, at least he believes Riku on this matter that Sora won't make him disappear.]

I don't think so. When I was born I didn't have any memories at all. I was a zombie. I never got those memories. I saw a few dreams of you, and Kairi and Sora recently. That's pretty new though. There's always a beach.

[Grins a little.]

Because we live on an island. We practically grew up at the beach.

[This subject is one of Roxas' favourite subjects, even if Riku wasn't being nice, it's enough to trigger his biggest smile. He leans forward with great interest.]

What's it like at the beach? Is it warm? I always seem to think it's warm when I wake up. Did you get to touch the water? Oh! What did you do there?

[It really is a shame DiZ didn't bother making Roxas a beach to go to.]

[Blinks at this sudden change in attitude, before laughing slightly.]

Of course it's warm. More than that, it's just plain hot most of the time. We'd go swimming a lot. And build sandcastles when we were younger. Sora and I would race all the time, too.

Wow...

[Roxas is sufficiently in awe, Axel didn't say all that much about the beach and he didn't really welcome any follow up questions.]

Yeah... It was...pretty great.

[And yet he'd wanted nothing more than to leave. Riku sighs.]

Anyway, you'll see. We'll find a good beach to go to here.

Really? Okay. I hope so. There's water here, it's already pretty amazing. We didn't have anything like this in Twilight Town.

...I know.

[Glances at Roxas.]

The Organization never sent you anywhere that had an ocean?

[Roxas has to think about this. These memories are part of the clump of memories that just got shoved back into his head and it takes a minute for him to sort through them. He's quiet almost too long for such a simple question, but finally he nods.]

I remember getting a seashell before, but I don't know what I did with it. There must have been an ocean there, but I wasn't allowed to go to the beach. Supposed to go to work and go back to the castle.

[He exhales and smiles a bit.] But me and Axel didn't always do that. A lot of times we go up to the clock tower and eat sea salt ice cream and watch the sun set! Because we're best friends.

Yeah, I know you guys were close. Are close. He kept trying to go into Twilight Town and get you back.

I didn't remember him.

[The single words hurt him straight to the core. How he could have forgotten Axel, he didn't know.]

You do now. That's what matters.

[Roxas tilts his head, looking at Riku curiously.]

Do you think so? You think he'll forgive me for forgetting him? I didn't mean to! I just...couldn't remember anything.

[Doesn't he sound frustrated too.]

[Looks faintly amused, though being amused at Roxas' frustration probably isn't cool, so he tries to wipe the expression from his face.]

I don't think not forgiving you was ever an option. He doesn't seem mad at you now, right? He probably knows it wasn't your fault.

Maybe. I hope so. I don't like it when I forget things.

[It is really frustrating.]

[Action]

darknessinside - 2013-12-18 01:52 (UTC) - Expand