piratejournal | Voice Action for the SH

[Elsa takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself and get her temper back into control. She's not even sure of what she said at the end, but she knows she doesn't want to discuss that. When she realizes that he's shifting into second gear, she takes a step back in surprise and tenses when he puts an arm around her shoulders. His touch burns and though she's glad because it means she can't accidentaly freeze him, she's not comfortable at the moment with it.

She sighs as he speaks and shifts uncomfortably, as if trying to get away from his touch.]

Of course I "get it", Luffy. I know how important nakama are for you.

I don't know what you think the "problem" is, though I still don't think there's really a problem to begin with. But it definitively isn't me thinking that you don't like me or see me as nakama.

[Though it makes her think... If she had walked in on Luffy kissing with someone else that wasn't Anna, would it have hurt as much? No, because she knows he has kissed others and that didn't hurt her at all. It was because it was Anna. Because she doesn't "share" with Anna, she gives her everything as a whole.]

[Even though what she said, there was something else. He could tell she didn't like it but he didn't know why. But she wasn't hitting him or anything so-- maybe she would just be a mystery. A mystery nakama like Celestia was sometimes-- and if she wanted to be more than that she'd have to decide it herself]

Okay.

[he lets her go and lets the gear second drop as he folds his hands behind his head and starts after the snowmen once more]

[She doesn't react when he moves away, despite her shifting and how she hadn't exactly welcomed the touch, there's no relief in her when it's gone. But there's no regret either.

She remains in place even as Luffy starts to walk after the snowman, that had stopped to wait for them a bit ahread, once more. Looking at his back for a moment.]

Do you know why you don't "get dating stuff"? I think it may be because your heart is too big, or because you're too free, or maybe it's both.

Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know much about you, but I don't think you know what's like to not be able to love someone. Or to not be able to choose who you want to love and care for based on nothing but what you want. When you meet someone you like, you just get them, no questions, no buts, you'll make them your friend no matter what. Just like Anna does.

But not everyone can do that.

[he turns back to look at her, listening to what she says]

Yeah I guess so. [it sounded right anyway]

I'm going to love anyone I want and get anyone I want.

[and it's true. But at the last, he shrugs]

So what?

So that's why you don't "get it". Or get what people mean when they talk about liking someone more than the rest.

[She looks down at her hands.]

And that's why neither you, nor Anna, can "get" me and why I'm hurt.

You wanna be loved the most for all of who you are, right?

[he regards her calmly. He got it. It was hard to go without that kinda thing and he wanted to be loved the most, too.]

[There's a heavy sigh.]

It's selfish and wrong, isn't it? I also want to be able to do the same as you and Anna, to be able to love whoever I want, as much as I want.

Anna thinks that she has been in a cage all those years, but aside from not being able to go anywhere she wanted, she has actually always been free. She could love our parents all she wanted, the servants, she can love all of you as much as she wants... She can touch, hug and kiss without any worry aside from "figuring out what love is". And she doesn't have to think about consequences or anything besides her own feelings.

[And in the meantime, Elsa has to worry about all those things. Not just because of her powers, but because of her roles, even if she's not really a queen anymore, she's still an older sister. And she must try to think about Anna's feelings the most, but sometimes it hurts because no one thinks about her feelings or wishes.]

[he didn't know anything about cages or things like that but--]

If you wanna do it, do it. That's why it's great to be a pirate cuz you can do whatever you want whenever you want.

[ His words make her laugh bitterly, she knew he would say that.]

Even if I'm a pirate now instead of a queen, I'll always be an older sister. And I don't share with Anna, I give everything to her when she wants it. Even if I also want it.

I thought there was nothing I didn't mind giving up to give it to her, that I would never think "but I want it too".

But I was wrong. And now I don't know what to do, because even if we "shared" it... I know she will end getting much more of it than me.

[And she doesn't want that.]

Though I'm not sure if you can understand that.

That's dumb. You should take what you want.

[that was the problem with princesses, he guessed. Or most of them, it seemed]

Anna doesn't want stuff. Just you. [because he knew it. His gut told him so and he and Anna were a lot alike.]

You're jealous. [he already did get that] But you're always gonna be unless you find something for yourself.

[it was really pretty annoying]

[Just as she thought, he doesn't understand, or at least doesn't think it's right. She's not surprised. And when he talks about Anna it's almost as if she's hearing her speaking.]

Anna wants stuff, she wants many things. I just happen to be one of them.

[She knows that Anna wants her, how could she not? Her sister spent years trying to get her out, to recover her. But that's not the only thing Anna wants, and despite the doors separating them, Elsa knows that quite well.

The next part, though, is unexpected. Something she wouldn't have been able to even imagine and she stares at Luffy for a long moment. "Unless you find something for yourself". Unless she finds something for herself. Her expression wavers between anger and absolute hurt, unsure what she should be feeling more, and she's shocked enough to not even think about concealing those emotions.]

"Find something for myself"... You mean find something else for myself, don't you? And where should I go to find that "something" in your opinion? Another crew? Maybe it's in some island in this world. It's okay if I have to leave the crew to find it, distance doesn't mean we're not nakama, right?

It just means that you won't have to deal with me. That if Anna returns, she won't have to deal with me "being jealous" because I thought I had something for myself. A place where I belonged and wanted to belong. And she's taking it away even when she's not here anymore!!

[Anger. She settles with anger as she shakes her head.]

I shouldn't be surprised, it's just like I thought. It's okay, I'll try to do that, I'll try to find something for myself. And I'll be more careful when thinking that I had found it, since I thought I had and you just cleared up that I was wrong.

[she's twisting everything around and suddenly he doesn't understand. What is she even talking about? It's frustrating and it's making him mad]

Shut up! We're nakama, damnit! [he stamps his foot against the ground, annoyed] Nakama share everything. They share each other and adventures and have fun and put their lives on the line for their dreams. I won't let anyone talk like we're not nakama, even you!

If your dream is that you just wanna belong, that's fine! You belong with us because you like us and we like you! But Anna's not doing anything. You're doing stuff! You're the one saying stuff! And it's okay cuz everyone gets scared sometimes or jealous but you gotta share!

Oh, of course Anna's not doing anything. She never does anything wrong! It doesn't matter that she was reckless and didn't listen when I told her to slow down, that's not her fault, it's mine for having powers and hitting her in the head! Even though it was her idea, even though she wouldn't have fall if she had listened to me! And it doesn't matter that she was ready to marry a stranger and forcing a private conversation in the middle of the ball. The one being wrong was me! It's always me the one at fault and the one who has to be punished and scolded!

[But of course he doesn't care about that, it doesn't matter to him and he wouldn't understand anyway. And Anna doesn't do anything wrong. Ever.]

You're not even making any sense! First you say that I have to find something for myself and now you say that I've to share! I have no problems sharing! The only one I can't share with is Anna, and that's because she takes everything!!! And I know, it makes sense, she's warm and fun, why wouldn't she have everything?

[he doesn't know how to answer that. He doesn't know how to answer her. He doesn't care about past stuff and Anna isn't even here. He doesn't get what she's so mad about but it's making him mad and he's tired of being mad and sad about nakama leaving or people not understanding. He doesn't know what to say and maybe she'll work it out on her own and maybe she won't. He doesn't know what will happen. But he's tired of feeling this way]

I'm going to sleep.

[and he flops there on the sand and puts the hat over his eyes]

[As she watches him lay down and put his hat over his eyes, Elsa finally notices how hard she's breathing. How breathless she is. Not even when she ran away from Arendelle, all the way to North Mountain, was she left so breathless. So tired.

So sad.

It hurts, deep in her chest, it's all hurting again. It hasn't hurt like that in three years, when her parents died, when Anna was alone, crying in front of her door. She hates that feeling, that pain, it tears her heart and soul, and she doesn't know why nor how to make it stop. Luffy may not understand... But the truth is that Elsa herself can't say for sure that she understands either. Her thoughts and feelings keep getting tangled together and she can't just pick one thread and pull it out without everything else following suit. She can't figure things out by herself and she feels she doesn't even know where to start from to try to find help to figure them out.

And suddenly it's there again, the feeling of being alone even when she doesn't want to. The feeling of being swallowed whole by her curse and the world of ice and cold to which she belongs.

She's tired and sad. The wave of anger washes away, reminding her of how stupid it was to get angry about things that simply are. They are mere facts of life: the sun rises in the east, the day evolves into night, number two comes after number one, Anna's a victim and Elsa's the one at fault. In her anger, for a moment, she had thought that it wasn't fair, why had their parents put all the blame on her? She hadn't wanted to hit Anna, she tried to save her, it had been Anna the one who was reckless and came up with the idea in the first place. Like always. Anger had whispered how it wasn't fair that she had to avoid people and be alone because she was dangerous while Anna ran with her bike across the halls, tripping and falling down the stairs without no one saying a word even if she could have killed herself easily with those antics. Now that the anger is fading away she realizes how unreasonable she was being, she's no one to challenge the facts of life.

There's a heavy sigh before she steps forward, closer to Luffy, but not too close. With just a thought a trail of ice spreads from under her feet and raises as an ice wall, she leans back against it and slids down until she's sitting on the sand as well. She's tired. She's sad. She's hurting. She misses Anna and at the same time doesn't, because somehow suddenly Anna is scary, because she means that Elsa can't have what she wants. The Anna that talked about an Arendelle with Elsa as a queen who didn't hide her powers and was loved by her people and together with Anna... There had been a time when Elsa had dreamed of that, but ever since she arrived here, since she joined the Straw Hats, she had stopped wanting that. Or rather, she wanted more than that.

Elsa glances at the snowman, who is all silent and still, noticing curiously how all the small faces look just as sad as she feels. Maybe even more. Luffy's idea to go to sleep may have been anti-climatic, but it sounds like a good one at the moment. Mushies is there, it can keep watch if it's needed. So she does just that, closing her eyes and trying to empty her head of thoughts. Deciding to try to forget it all once they are back up again, because it hurts and it's tiring and she can't see how it's worth it.

Life was easier when she concealed and didn't feel, when she didn't try to let others know what was inside of her.]

[it was cold, but he didn't mind it because it meant Elsa was there. He moved just a little closer but not touching as he folded his hands over his stomach. He didn't know what to do but... he took off the hat and put it on her head. Because she was nakama. And it was a promise. And maybe she needed to remember in another way.]

Don't be sad forever.

[and that was an order. He turned over on his side facing her and let himself sleep. It was easier sometimes because when things were hard, dreams could be better]

[She doesn't open her eyes when she feels Luffy shifting, part of her starts to wonder if he's getting up to leave, rightfully mad at her. But before the thought finishes there's something warm on her head, and she has to open her eyes as she raises a hand to touch and see the straw hat.

Luffy gives a difficult order, because right now she feels as if she could be sad forever. But she nods anyway, because she doesn't want to be sad forever either. She wants to smile and laugh. So she makes an affirmative sound, because her voice is too shattered to work now and there's still too much sadness, it would slip in her tone and she wouldn't sound sincere. She doesn't know how to do it. But she wants to obey that order some day.

Her hand remains on the had a bit more, pressing it against her head before she falls asleep as well.]

Voice Action for the SH

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