piratejournal | [Voice & Written]

It isn't that being a human is that great. It isn't. They're weak, and as a collective, fairly stupid. You are whatever you are.

For me, being a Jinrou is like becoming your worst nightmare. I was afraid of them and that they did was horrific. They killed like a thousand people in my village. I hated those people, I hated the village, but who said they needed to die? I never wished that on anyone.

Perhaps...

It's tricky, yoi.

The push and pull of life and death, of matter and energy.

This island hums with it.

A wellspring of mana, according to Chandra.

But everywhere else, any amount of existence is an automatic tug of war. Can you really go through life without stepping on toes or breaking some?

My Pops... was the best, eh? He was huge. Five times my size. But he was gentle. He was always precise. He taught me how to play chess, and always defeated me of course. Brilliant man, really.

He understood that even the tiniest earthquake can cause huge ripples hundreds of miles away. That was his power; earthquakes and tsunamis. But he was always careful with it.

He taught me a lot about who I don't have to fight all the time. That sometimes a weak foe should be left to live, left free, so that if they learn and come back, they can still teach you something worth knowing.

Still... is that what killed him? Blackbeard broke into the world's worst prison where our oldest enemies were and broke them out to get their help in killing him. He couldn't do it alone.

But I think if Pops had been as destructive as I like to be, we would have had to fight even more than we already did. Even on his last day, he convinced an idiot who wanted his head to help us with the marines instead.

That kind of tug of war... I don't know, eh. How do you decide which flowers live and die? Which grow and carry on?

I can't begin to tell you what I feel at this island of life energy. I'm dead. It isn't good.

[He gives Marco's words some thoughts.]

I might be wrong. It might be wrong to hurt them back. To take the same thing from them that they took from me.

In the long run, having vampires around that are willing to kill instead of peacefully coexist is a problem. It's something that is not going to work. They don't want to talk about alternatives. They want numbers.

That's the bigger picture though. The one I intend to destroy is Tatsumi.

[He exhales.]

I know what it sounds like. I know. It makes me a very ugly person. I don't care, because it didn't matter. He and I are going to die together. Well, we were.

I died. I should be dead.

You're thinking about it too much.

My family made its entire reputation on revenge. I can't count all the men I've killed in revenge anymore. Mercy is harder, but that doesn't make it better. [Hell, obeying Whitebeard's orders not to get vengeance was consistently the hardest thing he ever did and he had to do it more than once.]

Sounds to me like you're in it for good reasons, and you hardly deluded yourself about the outcome.

But you still exist here. Look, I've got your flower crown and armband done so I'm going to fly over and make you take some blood too. It might help fortify you a little with this place. So long as you live here, you have a duty to my little brother to help with this crew. I won't let you slack off in that, so accept it for what it is. You don't get to stop existing any easier than the rest of us, no matter what the reasons.

Thinking too much. I hear that a lot.

[He does it a lot too.]

I can't stop existing because I promised Riku I wouldn't. I wasn't lying when I said that. As lame as that sounds, even with everything else going on, I don't want to break my word.

[He pauses.]

I know I've been slacking off a little recently. I'm sorry. I'll keep on top of the cleaning. I'm usually more diligent but I've been upset.

[He laughs softly.] I meant you slack off in taking care of yourself, yoi.

Everyone always forgets, if you don't take care of yourself, your nakama are obligated to look after you. If you want us not to worry you have to give it your best to keep yourself going too. [But he shakes his head softly. It reminds him too damn much of Squardo and it's not a train of thought he wants to get into too deeply right now.]

We were all a little messed up from that last fight with the Navy, eh?

I've slacked off too. When things like that happen... I stop talking to everyone. I hide away in paperwork and maps and books instead. That's why I'm so stubborn about this island now I suppose. I don't want to run away from it just because it's hard.

Don't get so caught up in the past that you forget to keep moving forward. One day at a time, eh.

I was upset before then...I haven't been feeling very motivated to do much since Riku broke things off and I'm very disgusted with myself and how pathetic it is. There's something seriously wrong with my brain sometimes.

[He makes a thoughtful noise.]

I wish I had things like that to distract me. I haven't...well I didn't think much about getting things like that. I have a few books I got from the Christmas ship, but I've read them, many times over.

Instead of doing nothing I should have been working on my exercises with my sword. I got too confident and I was seriously hurt because of it. Dying would have been preferable to the pain I went through, but that's not how it went.

Since then, since Riku yelled at me again, I've been thinking about what it means to be a Jinrou, because he's right. I need to consider that.

Sounds like he's a good influence on you.

Then again I might just be saying that since I yell at my brothers whenever I can.

Well, except Namur. Nam-chan doesn't get in as much trouble as the others. Except when he tries to wrestle seakings. [And then Marco does lots of yelling. Also if Namur gets fishing hooks in him. But that rarely happens here.]

He is, I guess, but I'm still hurting. It's not on the same scale or anything but, what happened was really awful too. It was all outside of my control.

[He doesn't like that most of all.]

I think you've got to ask yourself, what is it you're really looking for?

You can't be a pirate with weak or splintered convictions.

Figure out what you want and go after it with your all. If you only go after it halfway, you won't make it.

Here, feel free to keep talking, but I gotta switch to bird form so I doubt you'll know what I'm saying except for squawks.

[Natsuno sits up and peers over the edge of the crow's nest. He shudders and ducks back down.]

I wanted him. He wants someone else. There isn't much to go after in this case.

[He sighs a little and waits for Marco to come up. He doesn't know what he wants, or what he's looking for. There's nothing to be ambitious about around here either, really.]

[Marco thinks about it to himself as he flies over.]

[Relationships.... are his weak point really.]

[If he likes someone he wants them happy, and the bird in him, the phoenix in him demands everyone pair up so no one is ever lonely again. But his own love life isn't exactly the stuff out of romance novels, it's messy and complicated and generally tragic. How could it be anything else? He always puts his family first, always has, always will, and no woman can become a part of that while still staying separate enough not to be seen as something like a baby sister.]

[Then there's Ikki who, just like Marco, has been avoiding nearly everyone because of his headaches with Selphie. Marco's fault, right? He shouldn't have pushed him so fast. Maybe if he'd listened to Ikki better, listened to Ikki's concerns about burning her, maybe neither of them would have gotten so hurt. Marco could have told Selphie to back up to keep distance......... and that would have hurt them both too. Ikki would have been lonely, in his volcano, and Selphie would have been distant. A different kind of pain.]

[How do you stop someone from hurting just from being near you? Sometimes you have to accept that that pain will always be there.]

[It's like this island.]

[No one sees the pain. It's not nonexistent, but it's so hidden in the rest that no one notices it as easily. The tug of war seems subdued, but for someone like Marco, that just makes it scream all the louder.]

[He flies over to the ship, carrying the flower crown and armband in his beak. He perches on the edge of the Crow's Nest and drops the armband free so Natsuno can catch it before gently doing his best to fit the crown on the half-vampire's head.]

[Hopefully the specifically dark flowers will do the trick.]

[It's alright. Natsuno's own track record with relationships, all kinds of relationships, is dismal at best. He didn't get along with his parents, he didn't get along with his peers, he struggled to get along with Tohru and when he died it was a devastating blow.

Even on the crew, Natsuno doesn't really know where he fits in. He was Sora's friend who got dragged along. Sora, who he can't really talk to. Riku who he actually befriended and more, but it ended in something really messy. He offered his friendship to Aya, but not much has come from that aside from talking from time to time.

All in all, he makes a lousy pirate. He isn't sure what he should be doing, and he isn't sure he would be missed. He's realized it, but he has so much on his mind he doesn't know what to do about it.

Maybe he could gain social skills, but unfortunately his are dulled, cracked and useless. Even when he tries to fit in, which he has been doing, it hasn't been going that well.

He doesn't have a conviction, he no longer has a goal. He often feels like he's just drifting along because he promised not to die and that's all he has.

The flowers are dark, just like Marco promised and Natsuno isn't sure what to make of them. They don't feel right exactly, but they're not as terrifying as the island. He takes the armband in his hands. It's strange, but it's possible away from the island it might adapt to him instead.

He raises his eyes to meet Marco's and he nods a little bit.]

Thanks.

[He shimmers and switches back into a human form for now.]

[And pats Natsuno's head.]

Is it Riku you want, or to be with someone?

It was Riku, that I wanted.

[He rests his head against the wall behind him.]

I wasn't intending on pursuing anything with anyone. Ever. It wasn't part of the plans I had for my life and I loved Tohru. But he's gone and I don't know... I had feelings for Riku that only got stronger while we spent time together.

It doesn't matter. It wasn't really even a discussion to him. There's a chance for him to have exactly what he wants, he doesn't need me. I'm so mad at myself.

Don't be.

[Marco hops back up on the railing, but sits on it carefully balanced. Even this much out of the forest, his head clears a little, but not quite enough.]

If you're in it for the best, be ready for a lot of pain, but don't give up on yourself so easily. If you can't even hold your head up, he can't do it for you either.

Don't worry about chasing him, just focus on what you can do for him in return for what he's given you and already done for you, eh?

Between me and Thatch -- [He holds up a hand] Not that it's anything similar, but still, we have a lot of dysfunction between us, and a lot of things we have to do to make it work. At the end of the day we both drive each other nuts because we're probably too close, but separating that isn't going to solve anything. Point is though, that's one of the best advantages of having twenty years of fucked up experiences, eh?

If you could return the favor with the gratitude you've already expressed to me verbally, back to him, what would you do it with? How would you go about it?

[Gently pokes Natsuno's forehead.]

I'm mad because I liked him. I really did and I didn't see this coming at all. I was beginning to feel...I don't know, not so horrible. I didn't want him to hold me up, I just...it was something else to think about, something nice. I'm mad because it hurt. A lot. I'm mad because I can't get past it either.

[He sighs.]

I thought I helped him already too but...I don't know. He's good, he's just good. If he needed me, I'd be there. I owe him that. He never seems to need anything though. That's all I can offer him. I won't bring it up again either. He seems fine.

I don't think a happy ending is in my future. I'd forgotten that.

[Switches to flicking Natsuno's forehead.] Of course it hurts.

It means you're alive.

People take it for granted. Living without the pain or the feel like you're drowning just to keep breathing.

This island just accentuates it. It makes it easier for them. ["And harder for us" he seems to imply.]

If a happy ending isn't going to happen, don't bother worrying about it. Take the happiness wherever you can. That's what it means to be a pirate. You don't have to let someone else decide your path. Only you do.

If you want Riku around, then don't give up. Hold your head up and keep moving forward until you're walking step and step again.

[He spreads both hands with a shrug.] What that means will change with time, but for now it means figuring yourself out. Whatever Riku needs he may not even know yet. It'll only come to you with time and watching.

Don't focus on what you have or decide you can't have something you want. The world's too big for that kind of small thinking. It'll get you lost. Focus on what you want, find it, and don't lose it. Come at it from all angles. Protect it.

Mah. I told you Ace tried to kill Pops long before he ever agreed to join the crew, eh? [He folds his arms and tilts his head to the side.] Sometimes the thing we want is on the same path, but the obstacles we think are there are actually allies all along. And sometimes what we think we want is really what we want.

Don't give up. [Light shove to Natsuno's forehead again.]

I hate this island.

[He rubs his forehead.]

I don't know, I don't know what I want anymore. Nothing. Something...I just don't know.

Honestly...I gave up before I came here. I was days away from my end. I accepted that even.

[He can't even deny it, it's flat out true. He intended on dying, he pushed everything down and ignored it.]

I was beginning to feel happy with him...I feel guilty about that too. It isn't like it's been ages since everyone died.

Ugh, I'm a mess, rambling on about nothing.

Relax, yoi.

[Ruffles Natsuno's head carefully around the flower crown.] You're reaching out for a liferaft, but you don't see it.

You're already on a ship.

It's okay to be happy. Do you think those who've died would want you to be miserable just because they died?

I hate this island too, but it does have a point. What's alive has its own voice. I don't like how it's drowning out the undercurrent. It's nauseating for me because I teeter the brink I guess. All the same, you are here. You are now. What has happened can't be changed, can't be replaced. This ship doesn't go backwards. All you can do is charge through the storms, might as well enjoy the ride.

Don't beat yourself up for that. Like I said, kid. Hold your head high and keep going.

[Maybe that analogy is pretty apt. Natsuno feels like he's struggling and it's frustrating. He doesn't want to fight anymore.]

I don't know. Some people I knew might think that way.

[He takes a deep breath and sighs.]

I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it or how to change how I feel or anything like that. I try and think about it, but there's...nothing. I'm on a ship but...

Then those aren't worth doing what they want, eh. [Waves a hand.]

Mah.... you're still looking too far ahead of yourself.

Start with the very basics.

You're here. Now. You don't want to be miserable.

Keep it simple.

You want to hold your own. You want to give something back to your nakama.

Here. [Hands over his wrist.] Drink and maybe it'll help at least with how much this island is crowding in on you, eh?

[It is entirely possible that the island is having more of an effect rather than just crippling fear, if he was honest about it. He was not freaking out about this before they were there. Not like this. Hadn't he resolved to get past things?]

I don't want to be a burden on the crew.

[It's so enticing. He wants to protest, but realistically, shouldn't he just do it? Isn't that what Riku is getting at?

He licks his teeth and takes Marco's wrist in his hands gingerly. There isn't any point in asking for permission when it's already been granted.]

Lean forward a bit...the wrist is actually pretty dangerous.

[Indeed, Marco had a full out panic attack about the idea of Thatch leaving him, even though he knows Thatch never would by choice. The island really does affect them, unfortunately.]

[Marco's eyes prickle with amusement.]

Phoenix, remember?

[But he bows his head, leaning the neck forward easily enough.] Just don't be surprised if you sparkle for a week. It'll probably boost your regeneration too, I'd expect.

[He's kind of doing it to spite the island too. His own form of rebelling against it, along with the intense manic moods.]

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