piratejournal | [Voice & Written]

*Argh, no, not waggling eyebrows, that just makes her blush*

Huh? What? No. Well... No.

Pity.

[Folds his arms behind his head and lays back in the sand.]

[He's WAY too talkative in this state, but even like this, it's not always easy to get information out of Marco.]

*Though if it's all the same...maybe she will keep the crown and bracelet on in the hopes of a compliment or two. She's still blushing slightly as she watches him lie back*

You like spring a lot, huh?

I loathe it.

[He really does actually.]

I always avoid Spring islands back home, especially in double-spring.

[A sideglance back up at her.] It's a phoenix thing. I think. The renewal and rebirth cycle in overdrive. [He makes a sign to his head.] It affects the senses badly.

[Then lays back down and looks up at the sky with a long sigh.] I've never had it as bad as this island, but I can't explain it. Ace and Thatch are being affected too but not nearly so much so it's hard to get a beat on. [And Ikki's been extra reclusive so... it's difficult to compare.]

Oh.

*She sits close by, pulling her knees up to her chest and admiring her new bracelet*

Oh... But it doesn't..feel good?

*Personally, she can't imagine Ikki caring much about anything*

Ace and Thatch? How come them too?

[He shoots her a seething glare at that question for a second. He didn't mean to, doesn't want to, but how can she think that, how can she--]

[He closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.]

No.

[Good? It was nearly torture.]

[Another deep breath. Just focusing on that. It's not as bad out of the forest, right on the edges, but there's nothing to distract him here either. Nothing to channel all the usual war. All the life and death pull is just there, humming, buzzing behind his ear. Calling and yet--]

A similar reason to me, but the double spring doesn't bother them.

We are pirates Selphie. We've had to fight just to live. To suddenly live without that is...

[An illusion, a lie. A siren song. A feeling of something incredibly off even while it said in almost Pops' voice that it was the right thing. Peace? What is peace? Thatch and Ace both died in the struggle for life. This was pain and bliss and it was an anathema. A sweet burden.]

Chandra says this place is like the opposite of chaos. Order, community. That part might seem nice.

[Another deep breath.] The life of it is like a pulse. I don't know if anyone else can feel it. The surge. She said it's a wellspring of a type of energy, of mana. But for me, it's like like I can feel everything breathe on this island. The trees, the ducks, the flowers, the tadpoles. The air goes from one to another and back.

That's.... not bad... [Again he takes his own deep breath and opens his eyes to give her a more gentle look.] But until now it wasn't peaceful. It was a war. [He's so serious about it.] Each breath, each thing that needed to breathe had to fight for it, had to try so hard just to have that one breath, to get that one bit of resource just to cling a little longer. And to feel that all now burns and it burns and burns and-- [An even deeper breath and he looks up at the sky, his thoughts racing, and he lets it go again.] And it doesn't burn. And that's confusing. It hurts and it doesn't hurt. It should hurt, and it doesn't. It should be freeing, but it's not, it hurts instead.

All those ducks I gave a bath before, I love them. They're great. It's great. But to clean those ducks I drowned the germs, I removed the mites, and...

[He bites his cheek. He's not going to scare her. To explain the death she can't see, that she can't feel, the undercurrent. Back to Ace.] It's an eat or be eaten world. Our world especially, but this one too. This place is removed from that chaos. It whispers that everyone can be together that no one has to eat each other, that no one has to leave to make room for more, that everything has its time.

But who decides that time? It whispers that somehow everything will just know. But I don't want to know. I don't want that set out. I don't want it the way anyone else decides. I'll take the flowers instead. I'll pick the time. I'll spread the seeds all over so that the others can breathe.

[He puts both hands to his temples and hangs his head.]

[He wants to cry practically in frustration. This place... he hates it. He shouldn't, but he does. It's too much, and he can't accept it, can't accept its existence without everything else to even it. Can't accept it when most of his brothers aren't around to know how Ace and Thatch are still alive, to share in their adventures. He has to make the most of it. And more than everything the constant push and pull for peace and calm is driving him insane.]

This place is maddening. You know how a clock spins around until it comes back to where it started? It is like this one is spinning so fast it is frozen. It's so fast, and I can only watch it, I can't slow it down.

It's like a nightmare I can't wake from.

Please, don't tell Leanne. I am glad she's restoring here, but no, it feels like -- [Like for every birth there's death, and the undercurrent of death is screaming as loudly as the life, screaming to be acknowledged, and yet silenced, so silenced, hidden in silence, but still there, oh yes, there.] a nightmare.

*At first, Selphie immediately understands. After all, if she were without fighting, she's not really sure what she'd have left. Back home, peace means no place to belong to. But as Marco continues, she has to try harder to understand, to try to empathise too, to feel what he's feeling. He's right, in this place, life is everywhere. Even as a human she can really sense the feel of the place, and it's very peaceful, and full of living things.

She moves ever so slightly closer to Marco. She wants to hold him close and let him cry if that's what he needs to do. But if there's anything she's learned in recent months it's that the phoenix is a complicated creature, and she's terrified she might do something to make Marco hate her. As it is, she still struggles with how much Ikki does. So she doesn't hug him, but she moves close, and places a hand warmly on his arm, just listening carefully, her wide eyes showing her concern*

Marco...why don't we get you back on the ship? Take you away from this?

*If peace for Marco is getting away, then she wants him to be as far removed from the island as possible. She nods when he mentions Leanne, and she's not going to whisper a word*

No.

[He gets up and gives her a rough hug, leaning on her a little, not enough to let her collapse, but definitely enough so that she knows he's leaning on her metaphorically as well as physically.] I have to face it. If we ever come up against anything like this again, I won't have time to retreat. Or time at all. So I have to see it all the way through. Every step.

[But he closes his eyes and tightens the hug a little before pulling back and patting her head with a softer grin.]

[It's dizzying to him how he can still grin, but it's all on high speed in cycle. The life, the death, the pain, the joy, the sorrow, the excitement, it's dizzying and he can't control it, so why feel it at all? But to tune it out would be running away, and he's stubborn too.]

And I want you to promise me, you'll still enjoy yourself, okay?

[He gets down into one knee in the sand again, and rests a single hand on her head.] I hadn't gotten to see you smile as much as you were here, and that made me really glad.

[He's dizzy and almost wants to cry again. Frustration that she can't always smile, that life hands her more reasons to be serious than happy, that he and Ikki are also part of that, and he shakes it off, a dull hum. He can handle this, just focus. So long as he doesn't breathe it in so deeply he can hold it out.]

[He pokes her nose playfully.] Enjoy it. Because we might not come back for awhile, eh? [Or ever.]

[He gets back up to his feet and lightly leans on her head thinking briefly of Haruta -- more that push and pull. The inability to forget the past even while running towards the future.] Do that for me and I'll let you understand some things about phoenixes when we go, deal?

*When he hugs her, she's glad, and more than happy to hold him as close as she can. Selphie isn't very sure of what to say, and less sure of what she can do, so perhaps hugging for now will have to be enough. But then he starts talking about her enjoying it, about smiling, and it proves to be all too much for her.

Selphie thinks of these past few months, of what she went through at the hands of that witch, dying and loathing herself in a cell, returning only to find that the person she though loved her was disgusted by her, and she knows that no one has ever hated her as hard as Ikki has. Months of just trying not to be miserable, trying not to hate herself. So he's right, this place has offered her the most peace she has had in a long time.

She nods her head, agreeing that she should maybe just use this opportunity to be happy, but she's choking up herself, and her eyes are glazed with tears. It's only when he pokes at her nose that she finds herself smile, but the threat of crying is still there*

Oh-okay. Just...come find me if you need another hug.

*It's pretty lame, and she knows that, but it's all she can think to say right then, wondering if knowing things about phoenixes is something she is ready for or not. But that can wait, her main concern is that Marco isn't so terrified, or so lost, in this island*

[He laughs weakly, hugs her again and leans his forehead against hers.] Ahhhh don't cry. Or then I'll get started!

You're not supposed to let me drag you down, damn it.

[Dizzied up again. He wanted to protect her and made her cry. It was too much though, just like why he'd been crying before.]

Come on kiddo. [Ruffles her hair.] Okay talk to me.

Oh! No! It's good crying! I think. It's so good...to know that there's someone who cares, who actually notices when I'm happy.

*She gives a wobbly smile, but there's obvious truth in what she said*

And you're not dragging me down. I'm just..sorry that I can't do more for you..

*Selphie takes a small breath before giving him a quick cuddle, smiling a bit more when he ruffles her hair*

I'm okay.

[He switches a single arm into a blue flaming wing (no burning of course, but a few sparkles he can't control as easily as he acts) and lightly pats her head with it.]

I assure you, we all notice. Always.

[He means Ikki too, even if he's not gonna say it.]

*Selphie rests her head against Marco for a moment before sitting up, looking at him with a big smile*

I know you're hating this place right now, so it's so sweet of you to look out for me.

If it helps...I notice you too!

[Ruffles her head.]

[It doesn't help. If anything, that he's so messed up right now that people are able to notice it is another problem in and of itself, and one he'll need to deal with later. But he can't tell her that.]

I normally don't like to let certain things show.

Ikki is the same way you know.

It is how we protect others. [And maybe themselves, he's not sure.]

*This seems to be a recurring problem that she has with phoenixes - thinking she's helping when she's only making it worse. Still, she blinks and falters at mention of Ikki, her voice dropping slightly*

What Ikki thinks about me... that doesn't matter now.

*Besides, maybe the less she knew about that, the better*

Are you so sure of that?

*She takes a shaky breath as she looks at him directly, honest, but sad*

I have never felt so hated, so repulsive, so worthless in my life. The way he spoke to me... How he...looked at me... He's shared enough.

[His eyes widen and--]

[He shuts them closed hard.]

[He gets it now Ikki.]

[His sudden desire to slap Selphie out of it.]

[He doesn't know everything that went on that day, but if his own quickchange emotions on this island are even the slightest indication, it must have been at least as bad for Ikki or worse.]

[He takes a deep calming breath and holds a finger over her lips before opening his eyes back up.]

He wasn't seeing you. You reminded him of everything he can't handle at once. In that instant, you got to see a part of him he would never have let you seen if he didn't love you so much it burns.

I don't know how much he's told you about his past, but there are many dark terrible things in it that he cannot forgive. Not for anything or anyone, understand?

[He holds both hands up, his expression softening as it did earlier with Chandra. The one good thing he can say for this island is the constant peace it whispers like a cold cruel lie is at least soothing on everyone who isn't a phoenix.]

That isn't a part of him you need to fix or heal. But it is a part you need to understand exists. It can't be changed, but if you are to ever see Ikki as Ikki you need to know that it's there. When... [Closes his eyes again and shivers, looking away for a bit.] When you can see that deep into a man, it can hurt. Hurt you.

From the start he told me... he told me he was worried you'd be hurt just being that close to the flames. [He runs a hand through his hair with a sigh before looking at the ground.] I didn't listen well, I suppose. I told him not to assume you couldn't handle it.

[Looking back to Selphie, Marco places both hands on her shoulders and kneels down in the sand.] Listen well.

You are both nakama and as such I will defend you to the death. I do not want you hurt. Especially not by my brother. But he is my brother, and I must protect him too. He gave you a lot of trust, letting you see that. But because you don't understand what it means, it will hurt you both. I don't know how to fix that yet, if it even can be, but the more you think something like that, the more it will burn him in ways he will hate. It isn't you he hates. It's the pain. It's your tears. I'm not saying you must never hurt or cry, that's impossible. I'm saying that when you think of yourself as someone who could be hated, he will hate himself for making you feel that. And that hate, that toxic pain, is a kind of burn few can understand.

And I'll tell you something else too.... I have never loved a woman enough to let them see something like that in me. Never. You were given a rare gift and you don't even know it. I do not even allow my own brothers to see such things.

But if you are to stand that close to his pyre, you must understand you can't think it is you who caused it start burning. You can't. Am I getting through to you Selphie?

*Marco did have a way of getting through to Selphie, and in all these long talks with him things really started to make sense. It was communicating to Ikki that she understood that was the difficult part. She did understand this, and while not on a level that a phoenix migh, she thought she understood pretty well*

It just..isn't enough to understand. Every time I told Ikki that I understood he refused to believe me. I can't - There's no way I could really ever fully understand but...

*She trails off and closes her eyes. After all, it was Ikki that caused all her hurt and her newfound self-loathing. Marco didn't need to see all that pain in her eyes, so it was best she keeps them shut, trying not to let any tears escape onto her eyelashes*

I tried Marco. I tried so hard. I was patient, I gave him time and space, I reasoned with him, I tried to explain and show him how much I..how much I felt for him. But it was never enough. Anything I said or did, to him, it just showed how little I cared, how little I was trying to understand.

But I do, Marco. I understand as best I can. But it's not enough for him. Not enough, or maybe it is my fault. Maybe I was doing it wrong, maybe I'm not good enough. Whatever it is, it's broken, and I've accepted that.

I just...

*Here she does open her eyes, and they're shining with tears, pleading with Marco this time to understand*

I'm only human, Marco. I can't handle hurt like this.

[Marco gets back to his feet and gently pulls her forward in a hug, quietly patting her head.]

It's okay, Sunshine. It's okay.

I know.

You're doing your best, eh? No one can ask more than that, and I won't let him ask more either. It's okay.

[He wishes he had a neckerchief to tie on her like Thatch had put on him earlier, or at least something. Then he remembers, duh he just gave her a flower crown and bracelet, so those will just have to do.]

Listen okay? It's not your fault. It's not your fault, it's not your fault. Ikki doesn't want to hurt you, that's why he's scared, that's why he gets angry, that's why he pushes you away, that's why he's a dumbass. There's a lot more to it, but for now, that's the biggest.

And I don't want you hurt. No one does. You deserve all smiles, okay? Maybe something's broken, but I don't know yet. I can't see all the pieces and they're all still scattered for me. But it's not your fault, eh? You can only do your best.

[His emotions are pingponging all over and flipping upside down and then back again like a ferris wheel and he's dizzy. His heart sinks all over again, thinking about how he'd been worried about this with Robin. Unwilling to take a chance because she might not be strong enough to handle it, to stand up to him, to slap him in the face if the occasion called for it.]

[No, even if everything is broken, he can still tell Selphie this much.]

[He pulls back from the hug, crouches back down on one knee and gently grabs her wrist in one hand, and turns into a fist with his free hand.]

Listen. I don't know if Ikki's the same as me about this or not. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. But I would be remiss not to tell this to a nakama, no matter what, eh?

Here, make a fist.

Now take a strong stance.

Like you're gonna punch the sky forward.

[Mimes punching off to the side with the fist.] And you say, "No, Ikki! You're pissing me off! BAD IKKI!" and punch him in the chest. Not when he's wearing his armor, that would bruise your knuckles.

Ikki and I... there's a LOT we don't get. [Marco holds his hands out wide as if to encompass a small universe between them.] There's this girl.... I would date... if she could do that. If she could promise me that before I even start to make her cry she'd just slap me across the face and tell me exactly what I did wrong, aye? I don't think she can though. Either she didn't get that that's what I need or she's not strong enough. [He gives Selphie a sad smile.] Either way. Before it starts reaching a point you want to cry, do that. Say stop! Tell him to stop! Give him the chance to stop.

It's a two-way canal here. It's not all on you, and it can't all be on him. You're trying to understand him, but that puts pressure on him where he has to try to be understandable. For him and me... that's... [He spreads his arms wide.] A BIG THING. Like a mountain. We wouldn't know where to begin. And that's stressful. [He makes a Timeout T-symbol with his hands.] So don't. Put the pause on it. Say "wait, what's really going on here?" If you're both just reacting or only one of you is, he's going to feel like a puppet on strings you're pulling.... and he'll get mad. [Wow Marco can't begin to express how mad that would make Ikki. He himself would have a kneejerk reaction that could only be described as "dangerous," and Ikki would be even worse given Ikki's past.]

So don't just try to understand Ikki. Sometimes you can't. That's okay. You're human. It's good. Human is good. Embrace that.

So understand too, there are things Ikki doesn't understand about people and you too. Two-way canal. Give him a chance to understand those things. Don't force it. If he's not ready, he's not ready. But listen for clues, [He flicks both his ears forward because, well, he's still incredibly manic for one, but also because Selphie does better with visual clues and body language in his opinion.] and hold his attention, [Marco gestures with his fingers to his eyes to Selphie's and back.] and don't be afraid to try to get sense into him too.

Right now it sounds like neither of you knows how to talk to each other anymore. Lots of hurt emotions, eh? And that will take time to get past, but you will because you're both strong and I know it. So when you're ready remember that, all right?

And remember what I said. Ikki doesn't want to hurt you. He doesn't want to make you cry. When he does make you cry, he'll hate himself to the core. So unfortunately it's on you. [Points a finger.] To be the smart one. When he starts to get you mad, tell him. Call him on it. Punch his nose. Tell him he did something wrong. [Holds both hands up.] Not all the time. Unless literally every word he says hurts and then I can't help you, [VERY DRAMATICALLY spreads his hands and shakes his head with a perfect actor's expression, trying to make her giggle, though it's a risk since it might be unfunny, but he's hoping for laughs.] At that point I'll just have to castrate him to save us all.

*So much of this felt like her fault, in some ways, that she finds it difficult to really believe Marco. But he keeps repeating it, so perhaps she should start to think more about how that might be true. She seems utterly bewildered, however, when he makes a fist of her hand, and suggests that Ikki needs a telling sometimes. Perhaps there's even a flicker of fear there*

Marco...With this girl, I think you should try it. The difference is... You're not angry like he is.

*Even if there is a lot of anger in Marco, he doesn't manifest it in the same way that Ikki does. Ikki's whole being radiates some kind of anger*

I couldn't take it. I wasn't strong enough...to face the anger, Marco. The anger.

*Her voice gets wobbly here, and she does her best not to ruin her flower braclet, so her fingers start to worry at the blue leather bracelet on her other wrist*

When I think about being with Ikki... So much of it was anger. All the times he yelled at me, shouted at me, told me when I was wrong, demanding of me. And maybe he was only trying to protect me but Marco... It's too hard, all that anger. Even our best times, the times I really felt that he loved me, where surrounded somehow with anger.

*Selphie hangs her head, her shoulders tense. As much as she feels the need to explain this to Marco, she knows it will sound horrible. Hence why she still hasn't spoken to anyone about how she really feels about all of this*

There were...times when I was scared of what to say, what to do, always on eggshells in case he got angry. I wanted so much for him to just...love me, appreciate me, to like having me around. I couldn't, not ever, dream of calling him out for anything, because I hated how I felt when he was so angry at me...

*There's no laughter at the end, and she's sorry for that. She keeps her head bowed, refusing to look at Marco, because she knows how close to tears she is and she doesn't want to make the situation any worse*

It's - it's finished now. Maybe one day...we'll be friends. But my heart - it just can't take it.

Sit.

[Tugs her into a one-armed hug around the shoulders.]

[Selphie has never seen him angry. Never seen him ready to burn the whole world in rage in pain.]

[Didn't see him murder hundreds in revenge.]

[Thousands.]

[Didn't see him against the admirals.]

[And frankly, Marco hopes she never will.]

[Yeah, Ikki is more like Ace with his rage. Always blowing up. Always a shook up bottle of soda that needs some release.]

First. Do you trust him?

I don't.... [He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and slowly lets it go.] let people see that side of me. That rage. [His eyes flicker for a bit. He wishes he could explain it. The desire to rip another man's larynx out with his bare hands and -- err no. This is why he doesn't.] I don't trust them with it. Ask Namur sometime about the last time he ever really saw me angry. Thatch knows me best and I think we can both agree it would take a lot to unnerve Thatch, aye?

[His eyes flatten slightly and he turns his head to give her a serious look.] I unnerve him.

Ace explodes when he's mad. I don't. [He holds up his hand into a small ball.] I always burn. But no one sees it. Ikki is younger than I am. He hasn't had the time I've had to contain it all. Maybe that's better in some ways, but aye.... it's definitely scary.

But if you trust him, then you have to know, he will never ever hurt you on purpose. That's why he's so extra angry right now. Because anything either of you do is painful, eh? And it's all just a matter of which pain is less.

I can't tell you which is less. Only you could know that and it doesn't sound like you do yet.

And believe me, if you're finished, that's all just as well. Stop hurting each other.

But don't walk on eggshells with him. If you treat him like a monster, he'll see himself like that.

He's still Ikki. He takes all that rage and he uses it pretty well all told. He uses it to protect this crew. [Gestures to the forest behind them.] You don't see anything on fire or blowing up, eh? That's because Ace and Ikki, no matter how mad they are just want to protect their family. THIS family.

But you can't treat yourself like paper that will combust just from being near him. Otherwise you will burn that easily, and I think he would break. He'd never forgive himself. So I'm going to be very very cruel and ask you to be stronger than that. Not just for me, but for you as well. [He pokes her nose gently.]

Be tough as rain. No oxygen there to burn. You have to start realizing you have more power in your hands than you're giving yourself credit for. You hurt, but it hurts him too. If you punch him, it's not gonna hurt him, but at least it'll get through to him. If you cry... it's like dragging knives down his back. So remember when I said it's about which will hurt less? Punch him. Yell at him. Stand up for yourself. He'll respect it. He'll respect it even if I have to drag him through Impel Down myself. But if you don't stand up for yourself to even tell the flames to back off, then I'm scared Selphie. All this hurt you're in now might get worse, and I don't want that. So I want you to try your best, Sunshine. You can try finding your own way, you don't have to trust me blindly, but you've got to be willing to do something like that or it'll hurt him a lot worse.

Right now, he's numb. I haven't been a great brother the last month with him because I've been dealing with a lot of my own shit, but he's not in a good state. That's not your fault. That's my warning. He's burning himself.

I taught Ace how to handle his temper better, but Ikki has control over his temper. What he doesn't have is a way of dealing with people. Ace knows more about people than I ever will, so I don't know how to help that, eh?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If being around Ikki hurts and you'd rather not even be within ten feet of him, I'll try to make that happen, but if you do want to talk to him still, then you have to start with protecting yourself mentally, got it? Stand strong. Teach him what he's doing wrong. He's smart, he's just inexperienced. And the experiences he does have are very very bad.

[Voice & Written]

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