piratejournal | [Voice & Written]

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[Voice & Written]

[He's going to regret this later, but there's a bunch of excitedly high-pitched chirps like a bird singing a love song.]

[That's okay. It matches the background sounds.]

[But FAR more embarrassing is the scribbles he makes into the journal:]

[So someone has a case of Spring Fever. Or maybe just a fever.]

[And then in big bold colorful levels Marco makes sure to add:]

FREE FLOWER CROWNS FOR EVERYONE WHO SIGNS UP NOW.

[Yeah. He's kind of lost it.]

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*Selphie rests her head against Marco for a moment before sitting up, looking at him with a big smile*

I know you're hating this place right now, so it's so sweet of you to look out for me.

If it helps...I notice you too!

[Ruffles her head.]

[It doesn't help. If anything, that he's so messed up right now that people are able to notice it is another problem in and of itself, and one he'll need to deal with later. But he can't tell her that.]

I normally don't like to let certain things show.

Ikki is the same way you know.

It is how we protect others. [And maybe themselves, he's not sure.]

*This seems to be a recurring problem that she has with phoenixes - thinking she's helping when she's only making it worse. Still, she blinks and falters at mention of Ikki, her voice dropping slightly*

What Ikki thinks about me... that doesn't matter now.

*Besides, maybe the less she knew about that, the better*

Are you so sure of that?

*She takes a shaky breath as she looks at him directly, honest, but sad*

I have never felt so hated, so repulsive, so worthless in my life. The way he spoke to me... How he...looked at me... He's shared enough.

[His eyes widen and--]

[He shuts them closed hard.]

[He gets it now Ikki.]

[His sudden desire to slap Selphie out of it.]

[He doesn't know everything that went on that day, but if his own quickchange emotions on this island are even the slightest indication, it must have been at least as bad for Ikki or worse.]

[He takes a deep calming breath and holds a finger over her lips before opening his eyes back up.]

He wasn't seeing you. You reminded him of everything he can't handle at once. In that instant, you got to see a part of him he would never have let you seen if he didn't love you so much it burns.

I don't know how much he's told you about his past, but there are many dark terrible things in it that he cannot forgive. Not for anything or anyone, understand?

[He holds both hands up, his expression softening as it did earlier with Chandra. The one good thing he can say for this island is the constant peace it whispers like a cold cruel lie is at least soothing on everyone who isn't a phoenix.]

That isn't a part of him you need to fix or heal. But it is a part you need to understand exists. It can't be changed, but if you are to ever see Ikki as Ikki you need to know that it's there. When... [Closes his eyes again and shivers, looking away for a bit.] When you can see that deep into a man, it can hurt. Hurt you.

From the start he told me... he told me he was worried you'd be hurt just being that close to the flames. [He runs a hand through his hair with a sigh before looking at the ground.] I didn't listen well, I suppose. I told him not to assume you couldn't handle it.

[Looking back to Selphie, Marco places both hands on her shoulders and kneels down in the sand.] Listen well.

You are both nakama and as such I will defend you to the death. I do not want you hurt. Especially not by my brother. But he is my brother, and I must protect him too. He gave you a lot of trust, letting you see that. But because you don't understand what it means, it will hurt you both. I don't know how to fix that yet, if it even can be, but the more you think something like that, the more it will burn him in ways he will hate. It isn't you he hates. It's the pain. It's your tears. I'm not saying you must never hurt or cry, that's impossible. I'm saying that when you think of yourself as someone who could be hated, he will hate himself for making you feel that. And that hate, that toxic pain, is a kind of burn few can understand.

And I'll tell you something else too.... I have never loved a woman enough to let them see something like that in me. Never. You were given a rare gift and you don't even know it. I do not even allow my own brothers to see such things.

But if you are to stand that close to his pyre, you must understand you can't think it is you who caused it start burning. You can't. Am I getting through to you Selphie?

*Marco did have a way of getting through to Selphie, and in all these long talks with him things really started to make sense. It was communicating to Ikki that she understood that was the difficult part. She did understand this, and while not on a level that a phoenix migh, she thought she understood pretty well*

It just..isn't enough to understand. Every time I told Ikki that I understood he refused to believe me. I can't - There's no way I could really ever fully understand but...

*She trails off and closes her eyes. After all, it was Ikki that caused all her hurt and her newfound self-loathing. Marco didn't need to see all that pain in her eyes, so it was best she keeps them shut, trying not to let any tears escape onto her eyelashes*

I tried Marco. I tried so hard. I was patient, I gave him time and space, I reasoned with him, I tried to explain and show him how much I..how much I felt for him. But it was never enough. Anything I said or did, to him, it just showed how little I cared, how little I was trying to understand.

But I do, Marco. I understand as best I can. But it's not enough for him. Not enough, or maybe it is my fault. Maybe I was doing it wrong, maybe I'm not good enough. Whatever it is, it's broken, and I've accepted that.

I just...

*Here she does open her eyes, and they're shining with tears, pleading with Marco this time to understand*

I'm only human, Marco. I can't handle hurt like this.

[Marco gets back to his feet and gently pulls her forward in a hug, quietly patting her head.]

It's okay, Sunshine. It's okay.

I know.

You're doing your best, eh? No one can ask more than that, and I won't let him ask more either. It's okay.

[He wishes he had a neckerchief to tie on her like Thatch had put on him earlier, or at least something. Then he remembers, duh he just gave her a flower crown and bracelet, so those will just have to do.]

Listen okay? It's not your fault. It's not your fault, it's not your fault. Ikki doesn't want to hurt you, that's why he's scared, that's why he gets angry, that's why he pushes you away, that's why he's a dumbass. There's a lot more to it, but for now, that's the biggest.

And I don't want you hurt. No one does. You deserve all smiles, okay? Maybe something's broken, but I don't know yet. I can't see all the pieces and they're all still scattered for me. But it's not your fault, eh? You can only do your best.

[His emotions are pingponging all over and flipping upside down and then back again like a ferris wheel and he's dizzy. His heart sinks all over again, thinking about how he'd been worried about this with Robin. Unwilling to take a chance because she might not be strong enough to handle it, to stand up to him, to slap him in the face if the occasion called for it.]

[No, even if everything is broken, he can still tell Selphie this much.]

[He pulls back from the hug, crouches back down on one knee and gently grabs her wrist in one hand, and turns into a fist with his free hand.]

Listen. I don't know if Ikki's the same as me about this or not. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. But I would be remiss not to tell this to a nakama, no matter what, eh?

Here, make a fist.

Now take a strong stance.

Like you're gonna punch the sky forward.

[Mimes punching off to the side with the fist.] And you say, "No, Ikki! You're pissing me off! BAD IKKI!" and punch him in the chest. Not when he's wearing his armor, that would bruise your knuckles.

Ikki and I... there's a LOT we don't get. [Marco holds his hands out wide as if to encompass a small universe between them.] There's this girl.... I would date... if she could do that. If she could promise me that before I even start to make her cry she'd just slap me across the face and tell me exactly what I did wrong, aye? I don't think she can though. Either she didn't get that that's what I need or she's not strong enough. [He gives Selphie a sad smile.] Either way. Before it starts reaching a point you want to cry, do that. Say stop! Tell him to stop! Give him the chance to stop.

It's a two-way canal here. It's not all on you, and it can't all be on him. You're trying to understand him, but that puts pressure on him where he has to try to be understandable. For him and me... that's... [He spreads his arms wide.] A BIG THING. Like a mountain. We wouldn't know where to begin. And that's stressful. [He makes a Timeout T-symbol with his hands.] So don't. Put the pause on it. Say "wait, what's really going on here?" If you're both just reacting or only one of you is, he's going to feel like a puppet on strings you're pulling.... and he'll get mad. [Wow Marco can't begin to express how mad that would make Ikki. He himself would have a kneejerk reaction that could only be described as "dangerous," and Ikki would be even worse given Ikki's past.]

So don't just try to understand Ikki. Sometimes you can't. That's okay. You're human. It's good. Human is good. Embrace that.

So understand too, there are things Ikki doesn't understand about people and you too. Two-way canal. Give him a chance to understand those things. Don't force it. If he's not ready, he's not ready. But listen for clues, [He flicks both his ears forward because, well, he's still incredibly manic for one, but also because Selphie does better with visual clues and body language in his opinion.] and hold his attention, [Marco gestures with his fingers to his eyes to Selphie's and back.] and don't be afraid to try to get sense into him too.

Right now it sounds like neither of you knows how to talk to each other anymore. Lots of hurt emotions, eh? And that will take time to get past, but you will because you're both strong and I know it. So when you're ready remember that, all right?

And remember what I said. Ikki doesn't want to hurt you. He doesn't want to make you cry. When he does make you cry, he'll hate himself to the core. So unfortunately it's on you. [Points a finger.] To be the smart one. When he starts to get you mad, tell him. Call him on it. Punch his nose. Tell him he did something wrong. [Holds both hands up.] Not all the time. Unless literally every word he says hurts and then I can't help you, [VERY DRAMATICALLY spreads his hands and shakes his head with a perfect actor's expression, trying to make her giggle, though it's a risk since it might be unfunny, but he's hoping for laughs.] At that point I'll just have to castrate him to save us all.

*So much of this felt like her fault, in some ways, that she finds it difficult to really believe Marco. But he keeps repeating it, so perhaps she should start to think more about how that might be true. She seems utterly bewildered, however, when he makes a fist of her hand, and suggests that Ikki needs a telling sometimes. Perhaps there's even a flicker of fear there*

Marco...With this girl, I think you should try it. The difference is... You're not angry like he is.

*Even if there is a lot of anger in Marco, he doesn't manifest it in the same way that Ikki does. Ikki's whole being radiates some kind of anger*

I couldn't take it. I wasn't strong enough...to face the anger, Marco. The anger.

*Her voice gets wobbly here, and she does her best not to ruin her flower braclet, so her fingers start to worry at the blue leather bracelet on her other wrist*

When I think about being with Ikki... So much of it was anger. All the times he yelled at me, shouted at me, told me when I was wrong, demanding of me. And maybe he was only trying to protect me but Marco... It's too hard, all that anger. Even our best times, the times I really felt that he loved me, where surrounded somehow with anger.

*Selphie hangs her head, her shoulders tense. As much as she feels the need to explain this to Marco, she knows it will sound horrible. Hence why she still hasn't spoken to anyone about how she really feels about all of this*

There were...times when I was scared of what to say, what to do, always on eggshells in case he got angry. I wanted so much for him to just...love me, appreciate me, to like having me around. I couldn't, not ever, dream of calling him out for anything, because I hated how I felt when he was so angry at me...

*There's no laughter at the end, and she's sorry for that. She keeps her head bowed, refusing to look at Marco, because she knows how close to tears she is and she doesn't want to make the situation any worse*

It's - it's finished now. Maybe one day...we'll be friends. But my heart - it just can't take it.

Sit.

[Tugs her into a one-armed hug around the shoulders.]

[Selphie has never seen him angry. Never seen him ready to burn the whole world in rage in pain.]

[Didn't see him murder hundreds in revenge.]

[Thousands.]

[Didn't see him against the admirals.]

[And frankly, Marco hopes she never will.]

[Yeah, Ikki is more like Ace with his rage. Always blowing up. Always a shook up bottle of soda that needs some release.]

First. Do you trust him?

I don't.... [He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and slowly lets it go.] let people see that side of me. That rage. [His eyes flicker for a bit. He wishes he could explain it. The desire to rip another man's larynx out with his bare hands and -- err no. This is why he doesn't.] I don't trust them with it. Ask Namur sometime about the last time he ever really saw me angry. Thatch knows me best and I think we can both agree it would take a lot to unnerve Thatch, aye?

[His eyes flatten slightly and he turns his head to give her a serious look.] I unnerve him.

Ace explodes when he's mad. I don't. [He holds up his hand into a small ball.] I always burn. But no one sees it. Ikki is younger than I am. He hasn't had the time I've had to contain it all. Maybe that's better in some ways, but aye.... it's definitely scary.

But if you trust him, then you have to know, he will never ever hurt you on purpose. That's why he's so extra angry right now. Because anything either of you do is painful, eh? And it's all just a matter of which pain is less.

I can't tell you which is less. Only you could know that and it doesn't sound like you do yet.

And believe me, if you're finished, that's all just as well. Stop hurting each other.

But don't walk on eggshells with him. If you treat him like a monster, he'll see himself like that.

He's still Ikki. He takes all that rage and he uses it pretty well all told. He uses it to protect this crew. [Gestures to the forest behind them.] You don't see anything on fire or blowing up, eh? That's because Ace and Ikki, no matter how mad they are just want to protect their family. THIS family.

But you can't treat yourself like paper that will combust just from being near him. Otherwise you will burn that easily, and I think he would break. He'd never forgive himself. So I'm going to be very very cruel and ask you to be stronger than that. Not just for me, but for you as well. [He pokes her nose gently.]

Be tough as rain. No oxygen there to burn. You have to start realizing you have more power in your hands than you're giving yourself credit for. You hurt, but it hurts him too. If you punch him, it's not gonna hurt him, but at least it'll get through to him. If you cry... it's like dragging knives down his back. So remember when I said it's about which will hurt less? Punch him. Yell at him. Stand up for yourself. He'll respect it. He'll respect it even if I have to drag him through Impel Down myself. But if you don't stand up for yourself to even tell the flames to back off, then I'm scared Selphie. All this hurt you're in now might get worse, and I don't want that. So I want you to try your best, Sunshine. You can try finding your own way, you don't have to trust me blindly, but you've got to be willing to do something like that or it'll hurt him a lot worse.

Right now, he's numb. I haven't been a great brother the last month with him because I've been dealing with a lot of my own shit, but he's not in a good state. That's not your fault. That's my warning. He's burning himself.

I taught Ace how to handle his temper better, but Ikki has control over his temper. What he doesn't have is a way of dealing with people. Ace knows more about people than I ever will, so I don't know how to help that, eh?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If being around Ikki hurts and you'd rather not even be within ten feet of him, I'll try to make that happen, but if you do want to talk to him still, then you have to start with protecting yourself mentally, got it? Stand strong. Teach him what he's doing wrong. He's smart, he's just inexperienced. And the experiences he does have are very very bad.

Usually...the people you trust are people that you know care... People that you know have your best interests at heart. I don't know if I can say that Ikki thinks that way anymore. So... I just don't know...

But that's the difference - this girl you were talking about, the one you like. You wouldn't constantly be showing her that anger. Even if you felt it, you wouldn't direct it at her every day, letting her know how badly she disappoints you...

*She struggles, after that, to think of what to say. There's any number of emotions going through her right now, and muddled up and confusing. She looks up when Marco says that Ikki has control of his temper, and that seems to sting. If the way Ikki treated her was controlled, then what he really must have been thinking of feeling must have been tenfold*

If you'd told me all this two months ago... Maybe it would be different. But looks like I did it all wrong. And there's nothing I can do about that now.

*Because what Marco has said does make sense - she can see now how maybe she hurt Ikki when she hadn't expected to. No wonder he was the way he was with her. No wonder things had happened as they did. Though Marco said it wasn't her fault, he was telling her now that she could have dealt with things differently, in a way that might have even meant that she and Ikki would still be together. She takes a deep breath and draws herself up to stand, shakily*

It's better that I do nothing, now. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough. That's all.

*Selphie glances back towards the forest, blinking her wet eyes, and longing to get lost in the trees, to be given a peace of mind, where she doesn't have to hate herself for what she's done to Ikki. Where before Selphie might have blamed Ikki, how he treated her, her conversation with Marco has made her realise, despite what he says, that this is precisely her fault*

[He sighs and shakes his head, gets up, and takes her hand gently in hers, leading her back into the forest.]

Sunshine... you were stronger than anyone could have known, could have expected. You're right, I wouldn't be letting anyone see that kind of anger in me or directing it their way. If I did, I'd expect them to go running screaming. [He turns and gives her a gentle smile, quietly ruffling her hair.] It's okay. You did a lot better than you think, all right?

Ikki is hurt and upset, and maybe that's like a volcano overflowing these days, but I promise, he'll always want to protect you. And no matter how he has to harden his heart, I'll protect you.

If keeping your distance is all you can do right now, that's okay! That's enough. And I'm just sorry you got so hurt.

[He is. He told Ikki to trust Selphie and they both were burned, but now he has a better insight to how they both see it at least. And where to go from there.] You can't change the past. What's done is done, but from here on out, we'll start making a better future, all right?

I still want you to try to promise me you'll smile and enjoy this island as much as you can though, okay Sunshine? No matter what happens.

*Selphie glances up at Marco only briefly, taking his hand but bowing her head and watching their feet as they walk along. She's aware that they're walking into the forest, where Marco probably doesn't even want to be. But she squeezes his hand and nods her head gently - she did her best, at least that can be said of her*

I just...want everyone to be happy.

*Maybe it's a ridiculous statement, but it's true of how Selphie feels about everyone. And being so disliked, or feeling so hated, is difficult for her. But she looks back up to Marco with a warm smile, both Marco and the peace of the forest helping her feel more at rest*

Mhm. I promise. And I know it's weird for you here, but I hope it's...not as horrible as it could be. Somehow.

*That maybe doesn't make much sense either, but she doesn't feel as though she can ask him to enjoy himself here*

...thank you, Marco.

I want everyone to be happy too, eh.

And it's not as terrible as it could be. It's overwhelming, but I want to face it.

[Swings her hand and grins.] Feeling better?

*Actually, she was feeling much, much better. She smiles up at him again and nods*

Much better. I'm enjoying myself much more already!

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[Voice & Written]

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2/3 I was wrong

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