[Written]

[reluctantjinrou]

[It's late at night when the journal entry appears.]

Evening.

I suppose I am writing in this thing because I can't sleep. I haven't really figured out what to do about that. Any suggestions would be helpful.

[There's a pause, before he adds more.]

Is anyone else up at this hour? What are you doing with your time?

[Another pause, longer than the last.]

If anyone would like to talk right now, that would be fine.

Comments

[reluctantjinrou]

It was. I don't think Riku would appreciate that. It's [There's a pause. He isn't sure how to finish that thought.]

It is what it is. There is someone else, he doesn't know what he wants and I should have never given my heart in the first place.

[elissacousland]

You have my sympathies. [Riku, eh? She will remember that.] Giving your heart is not always a choice and, often, it is best to at least try for happiness. Try not to regret too much? I will always gladly lend an ear - or an eye - if you wish to talk or write.

[She will not tell him of her unexpected relationship at this time. Not when he's hurting.]

[reluctantjinrou]

I don't know how it happened. I was somewhat happy with him but he wasn't, or at least, not happy enough. You know when he came to break up with me he hadn't even given me a thought? In his mind he had dismissed me already as being someone unforgiving and he didn't even give me a chance. What could I say to that?

It's all worse because I feel guilty for even trying, for feeling happy at all. I know it's irrational but it doesn't help knowing that.

[elissacousland]

Never feel guilty for feeling happy. Everyone deserves happiness, but no one deserves to be treated as you describe. I cannot believe that he would be so callous and callow to you since he once professed to care. It makes me angry on your behalf.

[reluctantjinrou]

I don't think he had the intent of hurting me, but he still did. It isn't because of him that I feel guilty, but rather the person I cared for at home who is gone.

There was this candy and he and this other person kissed and then he did so again without the candy. He just thought there would be no redemption, I think. But I wish he had at least spared me a thought. I can't compete with this person and I know it.

[elissacousland]

The candy. Yes, I know it. Thankfully, I read Mami Tomoe's warning in the journal before I could have made a fool of myself. It is sad that it caused him to realize his affection for another.

[reluctantjinrou]

Yeah, I suppose it is. We'd been seeing each other for two months or so.

He'd be content enough with being my friend.

[elissacousland]

Oh, Natsuno. I really am very sorry that such a thing has happened. Will you be content with being his friend? Or is such a thing beyond you both now that this has happened?

[reluctantjinrou]

[It takes a little longer to respond this time.]

It isn't the first time I've disregarded my feelings for a friend. I'm certain I can bear it.

[elissacousland]

Are you both upon the same ship? If so, it might help for you to change crews - especially if his new interest is also on board. There is no reason for you to linger in a place that will make you feel uncomfortable.

[reluctantjinrou]

We're in the same crew, but we aren't on the same ship. Our crew has two ships. His new interest is on the ship he rides on. I'll be fine. I'm close to others on the crew too, just not as close as with him.

I have terrible choice in love interests, it would appear.

[elissacousland]

Good. I like that he is not on the same ship. That will likely be better for you. I am also glad to hear that you have other friends on your crew that make you wish to remain. That is good news, too.

As for love? It seems to find all of us whether or not we are prepared for it or desire it.

[reluctantjinrou]

I like my crew a lot. I wouldn't want to leave it. Take a break, maybe, but I don't want to leave for good. I already got a tattoo, it's a little late now, isn't it?

I wasn't going to have any romantic relationships. Where I'm from, in the culture, I'm unusual. Some people don't like that.

[elissacousland]

Because you drink blood? Or because you like men?

[reluctantjinrou]

The fact I drink blood is more terrifying than anything else, and most people don't know that.

It would be the latter. It isn't the most accepted thing where I am from.

[elissacousland]

My last lover was quite open with the fact that he liked both women and men. I would say that most Fereldens find it slightly strange, but the Chantry does not profess it to be immoral. Marriages are arranged as a means to produce offspring, but that would not stop someone from having the lover of their choice.

I am sorry that you are not accepted in your homeland.

[reluctantjinrou]

It's alright. It's more like people like me don't really exist. People don't really talk about it. Originally I was going to be a lawyer, at least that was my goal. It isn't something I could disclose openly.

It is no longer illegal, but there are no protections against discrimination or anything else. It is very complicated.

[elissacousland]

It sounds it. However, I would wager that you are wrong about others with your feelings not existing. More likely, they simply hide it away as you did out of fear. People keep many secrets when they fear they will face ridicule or censure.

[reluctantjinrou]

It isn't that they don't exist, it's just that that's how things are considered to be. Most likely, that is what happens. People just don't say anything. However, those things are behind me, at least here, it isn't like that.