piratejournal | [Written]

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[Written]

[It's late at night when the journal entry appears.]

Evening.

I suppose I am writing in this thing because I can't sleep. I haven't really figured out what to do about that. Any suggestions would be helpful.

[There's a pause, before he adds more.]

Is anyone else up at this hour? What are you doing with your time?

[Another pause, longer than the last.]

If anyone would like to talk right now, that would be fine.

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[He sighs.]

Just some heartache. I was involved with someone who decided that someone else may be better for them. I did warn you it was stupid.

It happens to the best of us! Nothing to be ashamed of.

[Granted, Codi's never really been in that kind of position; she can talk about how much she misses her husband all she wants, but ultimately she'll be too distracted with present excitement to worry too much. Still, she's had enough of these talks to understand where he's coming from.]

Was it messy? The breakup, I mean--never fun when it is.

I don't...I don't know if it was messy exactly.

[He pauses to consider it.]

Because of the candy he had kissed someone else, only it wasn't just the candy, and he came to confess to me. He told me everything, and talked about this other person and I just...[He takes a deep breath.]

What could I say?

[Ah--Davy Jones, the heartbreaker. Codi thinks she knows where this is going, but she has to ask: ]

Are you sure the candy wasn't just...clouding his judgement a little bit? You know--making him a bit too caught up in the moment?

Unfortunately, I don't think that is the case. It was complicated from the beginning. It's his best friend. He said he wanted time to clear his head but he broke up with me in the meantime.

[He exhales and the hammock creaks a bit as he shifts to a more comfortable position.]

He seemed surprised that I was upset about it. I didn't realize it was...well. I have horrible luck.

[Codi makes a long noise of realization, and takes another pensive sip of her tea.]

I see. [Sip. She has to think about this one.] At least he told you, before things got too messy. If it turns out that he goes for his friend, then you'll know--and you can move on.

It feels very complicated. I just... there was someone I loved before, at home. But he died and I feel guilty for, for pushing his memory aside when it didn't really go anywhere. I also care deeply for Riku. All of this is just..nonsense.

[Riku...storing that name away for later. Natsuno can't see her smile behind the rim of her cup of tea.]

It's very important nonsense, though--I mean, enough that it's keeping you up at night. [Siiiip.] Maybe you need the space as much as he does. It sounds like he's not the only one who needs to get his thoughts in order, huh?

Not really. I know how I feel about him. Tohru died, there isn't anything to think of there anymore.

[That gets a giggle--also a bit of slurping as her current cup of tea is finished off. Codi starts traveling to make more.]

Really? That's not what you said five minutes ago, honey. I believe your exact words were--

[Pause as she flips the page over to read his response.]

--"I feel guilty for pushing his memory aside." That sounds like something to think about, doesn't it?

Not really. It isn't about how I feel about Tohru so much as it feels wrong to try and go forward. It's survivor's guilt and nothing more. Although 'survivor' isn't really the word that applies here.

Exactly what I meant--just because the problem sounds simple doesn't mean it's so easy to get over.

[There's the faint sound of burbling water--Codi's pouring more into the kettle to boil]

No matter how many times you tell yourself that you understand what's going on, you won't sleep any better for it.

Feelings don't work on logic, unfortunately. It hasn't been a long time since everything happened.

I know--that's why we're talking through them, right?

[Some moments after she stops talking, a slight rattling comes in over the journal--the kettle heating up. This isn't so unusual if you don't take into account the fact that the pot is sitting on Codi's palm with no open flame in sight...but Natsuno doesn't know that.]

You're certainly not going to make things better by just bottling up what you feel. It's good that you're willing to talk about it.

I'm not sure talking about it makes anything better. At the moment it doesn't feel that way.

[He just sighs heavily.]

It hasn't been a good year or so.

Of course it doesn't now--if it was an instant fix, you could have solved all of your problems months ago. Poof! Done.

[The water heats quickly; moments later the kettle's rattling stops as Codi takes it off her hand.]

I don't think it's been a very good year for any of us here--the kidnapping doesn't help, I'm sure.

Yes, well, the method I chose to do so was met with some protest.

[He sighs and rolls his eyes a little at himself mostly.]

No, actually that part is fine. It doesn't bother me to be here.

Then you have a lot of people at an advantage! [Shuffling through cabinets...Codi's voice becomes slightly more distant as she abandons her open journal on the counter during her search for bags of tea.] What else have you tried?

Originally I was just going to kill myself. Although in this place that is a moot point.

[He sounds thoughtful.]

Most of my crew seems pretty content here. I don't mean they don't want to go home, well some of them don't but...they seem happy enough.

[Hold on Natsuno, just going to sputter on that tea again. He has a really bad habit of doing that to people!]

--Well, yes! Christ! [This has gotten very awkward very quickly! Even more awkward than it was before!] I mean, I'm glad that it's a bit...better...here... [What are the words coming out of her mouth right now] ...not that it would have helped things back home, either, but...

[Screw it. Codi loudly sets down her cup of tea.]

You know what--maybe they're right.

What are they right about?

[If only he got some pleasure out of doing that to people, he was so good at it.]

The only difference at home was that I was going to take Tatsumi with me when I went. I suppose out of context this makes little sense to you. Like I said, Tohru died...almost everyone died. Even me. Unfortunately I was blessed enough to come back to life as a vampire.

[He definitely sounds more disgusted then anything.]

Maybe they're right to be content here, I mean.

[Yes, she is taking into consideration that Natsuno just admitted to being a vampire. And she's...trying to parse that. One thing at a time.]

If things are so bad at home, why don't you try to enjoy the time you have away from it? Take advantage of the break!

It isn't exactly a fun time hanging around here sometimes. Sometimes it's okay.

[He sighs.]

It's just complicated.

Honey, it's all complicated. [His life especially. Goodness.] But the longer you stay up and worry about it, the more complicated you're going to make it for yourself. You know what I mean? Don't think so much.

Unfortunately that's not really my personality type, but thinking is getting me nowhere all the same.

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