[Written]

[reluctantjinrou]

[It's late at night when the journal entry appears.]

Evening.

I suppose I am writing in this thing because I can't sleep. I haven't really figured out what to do about that. Any suggestions would be helpful.

[There's a pause, before he adds more.]

Is anyone else up at this hour? What are you doing with your time?

[Another pause, longer than the last.]

If anyone would like to talk right now, that would be fine.

Comments

[Voice]

[uccellodifuoco]

You know, whoever calls the shots really put a lot of detail on how screwed you ended.

[Unhelpful once more but since even when he's trying to think of something it ends being for nothing, he may as well not even try.]

So it's easier to remember, that doesn't fix the problem, though.

Handwritten

[elissacousland]

Alive is a very good thing. I am sorry that your sleep is troubled - I am familiar with that suffering and know that it can be difficult to bear. You are not thinking of death anymore, I hope?

[voice]

[maskedtyrant]

[That gets a giggle--also a bit of slurping as her current cup of tea is finished off. Codi starts traveling to make more.]

Really? That's not what you said five minutes ago, honey. I believe your exact words were--

[Pause as she flips the page over to read his response.]

--"I feel guilty for pushing his memory aside." That sounds like something to think about, doesn't it?

[reluctantjinrou]

I can't say that, but I did give my word not to die before Riku did at the very least. I honour that vow.

[Written]

[reluctantjinrou]

[He can probably hear the snort.]

No. Not at all.

[elissacousland]

If it is any consolation, there is no point to dying in this world. You will simply come back after a few days. I died when under the influence of the Witch and woke up in her prison. There is another we know who died before the Witch showed up and he was returned to life within a few days.

written;

[reluctantjinrou]

It doesn't really.

[There's a pause and a sigh and some shuffling.]

I really like him.

[voice]

[reluctantjinrou]

Not really. It isn't about how I feel about Tohru so much as it feels wrong to try and go forward. It's survivor's guilt and nothing more. Although 'survivor' isn't really the word that applies here.

[Voice]

[reluctantjinrou]

No, it doesn't. There isn't much I can do now. For a moment I was almost happy again but...

[He sighs.]

I feel bad for that. I feel guilty. I tried not to think about it but I don't think I can win that fight. Maybe Riku wasn't the only one needing a distraction.

[reluctantjinrou]

I know. I died because of the witch's curse too. It is pointless and very unsatisfying.

[elissacousland]

I am quite glad to have survived, but you find it unsatisfying? That is worrisome, my friend. You should find reasons to carry on here. A new goal? A new path? Perhaps a new love?

[reluctantjinrou]

I made a fairly long commitment to Riku, at least as far as my life is concerned.

No. No more love. I always knew it was a bad idea to try and now that I did all it ended was with me getting hurt. I never saw it coming.

[elissacousland]

Your heart has been broken and I had no idea. I am so sorry. Was it someone here? Should I strap on my blades and go have a little talk with whomever has treated you so?

[reluctantjinrou]

It was. I don't think Riku would appreciate that. It's [There's a pause. He isn't sure how to finish that thought.]

It is what it is. There is someone else, he doesn't know what he wants and I should have never given my heart in the first place.

[elissacousland]

You have my sympathies. [Riku, eh? She will remember that.] Giving your heart is not always a choice and, often, it is best to at least try for happiness. Try not to regret too much? I will always gladly lend an ear - or an eye - if you wish to talk or write.

[She will not tell him of her unexpected relationship at this time. Not when he's hurting.]

[reluctantjinrou]

I don't know how it happened. I was somewhat happy with him but he wasn't, or at least, not happy enough. You know when he came to break up with me he hadn't even given me a thought? In his mind he had dismissed me already as being someone unforgiving and he didn't even give me a chance. What could I say to that?

It's all worse because I feel guilty for even trying, for feeling happy at all. I know it's irrational but it doesn't help knowing that.

[elissacousland]

Never feel guilty for feeling happy. Everyone deserves happiness, but no one deserves to be treated as you describe. I cannot believe that he would be so callous and callow to you since he once professed to care. It makes me angry on your behalf.

[reluctantjinrou]

I don't think he had the intent of hurting me, but he still did. It isn't because of him that I feel guilty, but rather the person I cared for at home who is gone.

There was this candy and he and this other person kissed and then he did so again without the candy. He just thought there would be no redemption, I think. But I wish he had at least spared me a thought. I can't compete with this person and I know it.

[elissacousland]

The candy. Yes, I know it. Thankfully, I read Mami Tomoe's warning in the journal before I could have made a fool of myself. It is sad that it caused him to realize his affection for another.

[reluctantjinrou]

Yeah, I suppose it is. We'd been seeing each other for two months or so.

He'd be content enough with being my friend.

[elissacousland]

Oh, Natsuno. I really am very sorry that such a thing has happened. Will you be content with being his friend? Or is such a thing beyond you both now that this has happened?

[reluctantjinrou]

[It takes a little longer to respond this time.]

It isn't the first time I've disregarded my feelings for a friend. I'm certain I can bear it.

[elissacousland]

Are you both upon the same ship? If so, it might help for you to change crews - especially if his new interest is also on board. There is no reason for you to linger in a place that will make you feel uncomfortable.

[reluctantjinrou]

We're in the same crew, but we aren't on the same ship. Our crew has two ships. His new interest is on the ship he rides on. I'll be fine. I'm close to others on the crew too, just not as close as with him.

I have terrible choice in love interests, it would appear.

[elissacousland]

Good. I like that he is not on the same ship. That will likely be better for you. I am also glad to hear that you have other friends on your crew that make you wish to remain. That is good news, too.

As for love? It seems to find all of us whether or not we are prepared for it or desire it.