piratejournal | 006. voice/action for the katabami

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006. voice/action for the katabami

[These innocuous mechanical birds seem to be causing something of a stir, and Mitsunari has to wonder why. So when he realizes one of them has silently perched itself on his scabbard (he has so few valuable possessions, everything important to him is kept on his person) he picks it up and finds himself listening to the song it has to sing.

Unimpressed and wondering what's so offensive about it aside from being dull, (as if he has any right to criticize needless upset) he starts to set the bird down somewhere, only for the song to fade and for a very familiar voice to come through instead. He can't possibly be hearing the voice he thinks -- he knows -- he is.]

...Lord... Hanbei? Are you -- ?!

[He believes, for one wonderful instant, that it may be Hanbei Takenaka himself speaking through this bird, but the words are ones he's heard before. It's like a memory being played out over radio. He can barely speak, so he listens instead, captivated and confused and hurting.

The voice eventually changes, and it is still so achingly familiar. He could not possibly forget who it belongs to. It's the voice he's wished more than any other that he could hear just one more time, even if doing so would open up a wound that never healed in the first place.

He listens. It's as if the bird is repeating everything his lord Hideyoshi had to say to him within those final few days of his life. Be it orders or praise or scolding, they're all precious memories.

The last thing the bird repeats is not a memory -- it's not Mitsunari's memory, that is. But Mitsunari thinks he knows what he's been given the privilege of hearing. Words he'd thought forever lost on the one person who surely deserved to hear them least.

Lord Hideyoshi's last words, it seems, were to Hanbei.

Mitsunari will be found in a strange mood for as long as these birds are around. This has spurred all kinds of conflicting emotions he really doesn't know how to deal with, but it's those final thoughts that have had the biggest effect. This isn't the closure he believes vengeance would bring -- in fact, his emotional damage feels more raw than ever -- but at least now he can finally stop wondering what passed through his lord's head at the end of his life. He was not ashamed or defeated, and he did not waver.

And Mitsunari feels that, if nothing else, the resolve in his own heart has strengthened.]

---

Lord Hanbei... Lord Hideyoshi... I have heard their voices once again.

[In Mitsunari's view, these little birds are kind of miraculous.]

Ieyasu... try all you like. You cannot take this from me!

[Part of him had been wary, and he had wondered if he could trust some of what he heard. But he knows Hideyoshi's voice, and could not mistake it or be fooled by an imposter. And he knows his lord's nature well enough that he has no doubt he would address Hanbei in his final moments. In fact, there would be nothing more like him. That was Hideyoshi.

Quieter, and to himself:]

Lord Hideyoshi... was this your wish...?

[Or was it just by someone else's whim that he was able to hear what he did? Perhaps he'll never know.]

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[He can't imagine that big gorilla being afraid of much of anything, but he wisely doesn't voice those sentiments, opting instead to pat Mitsunari on the shoulder. He can understand completely the futile sorrow at not being there when your loved ones breathed their last. He still can't quite grasp how anyone could be as attached to Hideyoshi as Mitsunari is, but Mitsunari in turn can't understand why Motochika is so close to Ieyasu, so...]

You can't hear them, but you can remember them. That's what's important. No doubt it would come to that eventually anyway, be it age or sickness that would have taken them in time. You just keep their memory in your heart. I'm sure I've told you that before.

Lord Hideyoshi was not supposed to have his life ended prematurely at the hands of a traitor.

[Hanbei's death was tragic and cruel and it will never strike him as anything other than unfair, but in Mitsunari's view, at least it's not betrayal. Of course, when someone dies from an illness, there is nothing to avenge. That's its own kind of cruelty.

His insistence aside, he doesn't move or protest when his shoulder is pat. He's gotten kind of accustomed to Motochika's Motochika-ness. It doesn't make him want to automatically try and, oh, bruise him in retaliation anymore.]

Lord Hideyoshi and Lord Hanbei are alive within my memories, and those cannot be ripped away from me. But it is not the same as seeing them in the flesh.

[Or hearing them in real time. Mitsunari looks at the bird he's presently holding in his hands. When it rusts and can no long "sing", he's going to be indescribably disappointed...]

I can well understand that. I've heard quite a few voices today that I'd give a great deal to hear from their owners and not strange little birds, but I know that's not to be, nor is it my place to ask for it.

[Motochika sighs. That would be a mess and even he knows it. The souls of those men have already passed on and there are some things even a pirate shouldn't go about stealing.]

This place certainly does like to play on nostalgia...

[Mitsunari doesn't see anything wrong with demanding to see the dead returned to how they were in life, but he is a little different from most -- more attached to the dead than normal people tend to be.

Maybe he shouldn't ask whose voices Motochika heard, and maybe the answer is obvious, but he finds anyway that he must.]

...Your dead pirate crew.

[But ultimately, it's not a question at all.

There was a more delicate way of phrasing that, but as Motochika surely knows, he's not one to spare others' feelings with carefully-chosen words.]

[~~Ouch, Mitsunari, geez.~~]

Aye.

[For someone as long-winded as Motochika can be, it's a suspiciously succinct answer. There are days when he can talk about them for hours on end with a smile on his face, but then there are days like today when that's all he's willing to offer on the topic. Maybe it's hearing their voices again. As much as it had put his heart at ease, it was still a heavy sort of thing.]

Not all of them, not yet, but I'm sure the birds will keep busy with it.

[~~Mr. Sensitivity, this one.~~

But cold phrasing aside, even Mitsunari has figured out that this is a subject that needs to be treated with some care, so he is dead silent until he decides he really needs to ask the next thing that comes to mind.]

...Are they as important to you... as Lord Hideyoshi and Lord Hanbei are to me?

[Motochika lets out a breath and looks over at Mitsunari, slightly surprised at the question. It isn't that it's unreasonable, quite the opposite, but it's not something he expected to hear. Mitsunari isn't very good at realizing that he's not a singular existence in the universe. Before, he wouldn't even have asked. He most likely would have pronounced that no one could be as important to anyone else as Hideyoshi and Hanbei were to him. It's a large step in the right direction in Motochika's opinion.]

Aye. Different in a way, perhaps, as I was their master rather than their servant, but they are very important to me. The most important thing. The same goes for the rest of my crew, as well, of course. The men who serve me are more precious than any treasure I might steal for myself.

[There's not as much pain in his voice as there would have been a year or so ago when the loss was more fresh. Now it's mostly pride and fondness, though he can't help but be a little wistful. He'd like to sail his own sea again with the crew he left behind sooner rather than later. He can't deny that, no matter how much he enjoys himself here.]

[Mitsunari has the easiest time understanding -- and appreciating -- the importance one person holds to another if he compares that relationship to the one he had with his lords. Actually being able to do that (never mind accepting the answer he gets) is not so easy, but during his time in this world he has changed (or maybe it's 'healed') just enough that he can both ask and not immediately reject what he hears.]

...I see.

[In a way, it's difficult to take in, because his failure to keep a closer eye on Yoshitsugu and Motonari and stop their traitorous plan before it could be hatched is the reason they're having this conversation at all. That he is complicit in that betrayal -- no, that it is betrayal, specifically -- feels more important than ever.]

...Then... your grief...

It... can compare to mine.

[He sounds like he's forcing himself to admit some deeply painful truth. But from his perspective, that's exactly what it is.]

[It's a big breakthrough for Mitsunari, Motochika knows, but he can't help but feel a bit of fond exasperation at the statement. It's taken so much for him to accept that maybe other people have suffered as he has. It's a bit childish, in a way, and for Motochika to notice that when he's not a paragon of maturity himself is saying something.

He slings his arm around Mitsunari's shoulders, fully expecting it to be thrown off any second, and squeezes a little.]

Aye, I'd say so. Still, there's nothing to be gained from competing over heartbreak. Grief is grief, no matter how great or little. We just need to do what we can to lessen it for each other, even if we can't do it for ourselves.

[Mitsunari fails to react to the arm around his shoulders, only frowning at Motochika's words.]

It devalues true suffering to treat all grief as equal...! I have no reason to ease others' minute, insignificant pain, especially not when it does not concern me.

[Well, obviously, some things he's not willing to budge on just yet, though at least he isn't going to belittle Motochika's pain any longer. It's the "when it concerns him" part about that statement that's key here. His lords aside, whose welfare he was naturally invested in, there was always Yoshitsugu. In the end, he never knew the true dark side of Yoshitsugu's personality until after his death, but what Mitsunari did know is that he suffered. He had neither sympathy nor mercy for anyone who would dare make life worse for him.

Within him, he clearly has the capacity to want to help others. It's just people who have no relevance to Mitsunari literally may as well not exist.

He does shrug off Motochika when he sort of gets his wits about him again -- the gravity of this conversation has had an effect on him. However, there's no anger behind it.]

Get off.

[Your arm is heavy, Motochika. Have some consideration for others, geez.]

Edited (i'm done now orz) 2015-01-01 06:03 (UTC)

[Motochika chuckles when Mitsunari finally shrugs his arm off and pats him on the back instead. He's had cats that react the same way to affection, so it's not like he takes offense at it. That is, though, something he probably shouldn't say out loud.]

Aye, well, no one's asking you to. Leave that to those of us that are more suited to it, I suppose.

[Motochika in particular is more than willing to put aside his own grief if it means he might lighten that of a friend. Ieyasu is much the same way, though he often has quite the wrongheaded way of going about it.

That's something else he shouldn't say out loud.]

Though it doesn't do anyone much good to say "this person has suffered more than that person and that one more than this and all more than you" when regardless of the depth of it all, they're still suffering. It's not a competition for who has it the worst.

[Mitsunari has never thought of it as a competition, but if he did, he would surely believe he's one of the "winners".]

A man who has never been betrayed cannot begin to compare his pain to mine. He who lives an easy life has no right to claim he suffers!

[How dare people bemoan their petty misfortunes as if they's something worth crying about when he's the one who's really hurting? It's like comparing a paper-cut to a stab wound!

At least, that's how Mitsunari sees it.]

I was not betrayed, Mitsunari. I placed no faith in any of those that did me wrong. Underestimated the depths to which they would sink, perhaps, but that's hardly the same thing. I was led to believe I was betrayed, aye, but that was a lie.

[So there. Think about that for a while.]

You speak of betrayal as if it is the worst pain a man can experience, but there's far more to the world than that.

[It comes as a genuine shock to Mitsunari when Motochika says he wasn't betrayed. Of course he was -- Mitsunari considers it betrayal, so why? Why wouldn't Motochika see things the same way?

Why doesn't anyone ever see things his way...?]

It was the worst pain I have ever endured... It is the reason Ieyasu does not deserve to live...

[It's the worst he's ever suffered, and his world extends as far as the Toyotomi. He genuinely and truly doesn't understand a fate worse than that.]

To take one's trust and rip it to shreds -- stab them in their very soul with their crime, and take everything in the process...! What else does this world have to offer that kills a man's spirit so?!

[Motochika crosses his arms and looks down at the deck. Does he really want an answer to that? Does Motochika really want to answer that? It's a depressing sort of question and one with many, many answers. It's times like these where Motochika feels every last one of the years he has on Mitsunari. He's not even that much older, all told, but he's experienced much, much more of the world, it seems.]

Even a betrayal can be reconciled in the end if both parties still live. Rare are those who are so lost that their hearts can't be turned back to the right path.

[Motonari had been one of those rare few. There were none who mourned him, nor should there be. Yet even that saddens Motochika. Every man should have at least someone who treasures his memory when he passes on.]

And should one man betray you, it doesn't keep you from the others who might support you and stand by you. It only kills your spirit and ruins your trust as much as you allow it to.

[He can't disagree entirely with Motochika's final point. People can still be trusted, if not easily, and he is not as "dead" as he'd once thought himself to be. He needs reminding of these things sometimes, but on the whole he's accepted them.

"If both parties still live"...

Mitsunari glances down at the little bird he's still holding. If Ieyasu were dead, what would he hear the bird say? Would he hear an apology? Ha. Hardly, he thinks. Ieyasu is too proud. Would he curse him, then? Or would play the role of the self-righteous saint he clearly thinks he is and act like he's above that?

Ultimately Mitsunari can't say for sure what Ieyasu would want him to hear, because when he calls on those long-tarnished memories of his former friend, it's as if he's watching a stranger who happens to wear his face.]

I could never stoop to reconciling with Ieyasu...! Not if my very life depended on it!

[Forgiveness would do a disservice to Hideyoshi's memory, he believes.]

Ieyasu's heart... The Ieyasu I believed I knew, he is as lost as can be!

[That man is gone and he's never coming back, and Mitsunari is sure he would hate him all the same even if he did somehow return, grovelling for forgiveness he wouldn't deserve. He would kill him without question no matter how sorry he was, because there's no other way to make up for a sin this grave.

Maybe if he had just left Hideyoshi alive... maybe then, things would be different, but --

No, it's useless to think about. Mitsunari frowns. How could he entertain such a stupid thought, even for a moment?]

[That straightforward point of view of Mitsunari's kind of narrows into a tunnel a large amount of the time. If Motochika had said something similar about Hideyoshi, all hell would break loose. However, Mitsunari sees nothing wrong with speaking ill of someone he knows is a close friend of Motochika's. Motochika shifts his weight from one foot to another, trying to figure out what he can even say to that. He's a bit irritated by it, truth be told, but he's trying to be helpful here.]

He's the same as he ever was, I think.

[His eye flicks to the side, trying to gauge whether an explosion is imminent.]

He'd hold his hand out to you if he thought you'd take it. It's only because he knows you won't that he fights against you.

[He thinks both of them are fools for it, too, but they're both far too stubborn to listen to him about it.]

["The same as he ever was" may mean something different to Motochika than it does Mitsunari...]

Of course I wouldn't! I would sooner cut that very hand off!

[It doesn't cross his mind that these kind of threats might bother Motochika. Ieyasu is a "villain", so what does it matter if he says these things, even to the face of one of his closest friends?

It's justified. He knows it is.]

But you are wrong -- Ieyasu does not want reconciliation in the first place!

No doubt he's done nothing that would dissuade you of that. He's as stubborn as [you are] an ox in that regard.

[Motochika unfolds his arms and places his hands on his hips instead, so he can more easily look up at the sky in exasperation.]

He wants peace and it wants it made by his own hand. If he could gain it through regaining your friendship, he would do so, but he's no doubt gotten it into his head that he can't and so he's decided the quickest way to get what he wants is to fight you for control of the land. He's a good lad, truly, and his heart is in the right place, but his eyes are a bit too fixed on that goal of his.

He wishes for peace so he incites my wrath?

[It makes very little sense from Mitsunari's (...considerably biased) perspective.]

I cannot stand to hear you speak so highly of him as you do! Why is it you don't see what is so clear to me?!

[It isn't as if Motochika is being uncritical here -- far from it. But to Mitsunari, anything remotely positive is unacceptable. His anger finally boils over, and he has to take his anger out on something. Not the little bird, as it's far too precious, and he has reason enough to refrain from harming Motochika; he lashes out uselessly at the ship instead, striking the blunt hilt of his sword against its side.]

-- What should be clear to everyone!

Edited 2015-01-04 23:31 (UTC)

It isn't that people don't see, Mitsunari, it's that they don't see it as you do. You love Hideyoshi, aye, and your loyalty to him is unquestionable, but even you have to admit that there aren't many that share those feelings. His desire for a world controlled by the strong, a world under his fist...not many wanted that. Ieyasu saw that and took matters into his own hands. Was it the best way to go about it? I'll not speculate on it because what's done is done, but I've no quarrel with the results.

[Not at all what Mitsunari wants to hear, but...]

Now kindly leave my ship out of this.

You...

[That struck a nerve, oh yes. Mitsunari is wearing a positively murderous expression.]

I had everything taken from me, and you dare to say to my face you've no quarrel with anything that happened?!

[He points his sword at Motochika instead.]

When this sword is soaking in that bastard Ieyasu's blood, don't you dare complain to me of the tragedy of it all!

[Motochika doesn't even flinch.]

You had everything taken, but only because you would not allow yourself anything other than what he gave you, or at least you wouldn't recognize it. You had one friend, mad though he was [Or, well, is, considering this isn't the exact Mitsunari he knows from home.], you had another that chose a path you couldn't follow him on, and you'd no doubt have others if you allowed it. Yet that matters little to you because of the loss of one man. How many men did you kill in his name? How many of them had families and friends who are now as bereft as you are? You are not the only man in the world who suffers, Mitsunari, and believe me, far more people suffer because of Hideyoshi rather than suffer over him.

[Not at all wise to say, not with a sword pointed at him, but even Motochika has his limits and he's been bashing his head up against this wall for far, far too long. He may not always agree with Ieyasu's methods, but he can't argue with his goals. A world united in peace is far, far better than a world dominated by strength.

It also really doesn't help that it's an injury to his own pride to hear Mitsunari continue to moan and groan about his suffering. Has Motochika not given him a place to live here? Has he not reached out his hand in friendship? Has he not kept an eye out for his well-being as much as anyone can? What more is there that he can do? Very little, to be honest, and this is the thanks he gets for it, it seems.]

[When Motochika brings up Yoshitsugu, Mitsunari is torn by the kneejerk reaction that says he should defend Yoshitsugu’s honor, and the understanding that Yoshitsugu destroyed said honor with his own two hands...]

You paint Lord Hideyoshi as a tyrant when he was nothing of the sort! It is only because he lived that I lived as well!

His dream was to fortify the country, not destroy it! All who would stand in the way of that dream must surrender or die! It was their own folly for continuing to jeopardize the unification he sought!

[Mitsunari has given no thought to the families of all those he's cut down. If people must grieve for their loved ones because those men stood in Hideyoshi’s way -- so what? In war, people die.]

[Hideyoshi was kind of the textbook definition of tyrant, really. "Surrender or die" is awfully tyrant-y. Not to mention the whole "domination through strength" thing. Between that and the hypocrisy of "it's okay for people to die for what Hideyoshi wants because of his ideals, but not okay for Hideyoshi to die because someone stronger with different ideals defeated him and killed him," this argument is at least a bit easier to make than it would be for Motochika otherwise. He's used to fighting things out with fists and he really doesn't have the head for battles of words, but this is one of those vexing situations where a fight isn't going to solve anything.]

Do you even listen to the words that come out of your own mouth? It's taken this long for you to accept that my loss may be as great as your own, but now you're right back to saying that yours is the only one that ever mattered! Someone else saw a better path to unification, rose up, and through greater strength struck your lord down just as Hideyoshi struck down anyone who stood in his way. I can understand your grief at the loss of a man who was your lord and perhaps even someone you saw as a father, even your anger at the man who struck him down, but I can't wrap my head around how utterly bullheaded you're being about the whole thing! Do you truly think you're the only one who's ever suffered such a thing? I too suffered the loss of the only lord I ever served, but you don't see me kicking up a fuss about it and refusing to move on! I shouldered the burden he left me, took up his dreams and realized them. Perhaps you should give some thought as to why you aren't doing that.

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