piratejournal | [Voice & Written]

[Tackles Ikki back towards the land so they can wrestle.]

Which her?!

[Because there's a bunch of them it could be, and first he thinks Athena, but then maybe it's Leanne, and either way, at least they can both wrestle each other and prove they won't go down easily.]

[If it's wrestling what Marco wants, it's what he's going to get. If it allows for him to be more... Marco than whatever that flower crowns weaver was. He pushes at the other with all his strength, though this time it's not towards the water.]

Athena!! That fucking pure and warmth aura that tries to soothe everything and slips even into your soul, I have lost count of how many fucking times she tried to do it with me!! As if that would just erase everything!

[As if his wounds could be healed. As if he wanted her of all people to heal them.]

[Sucks in a deep breath, still trying to be mad.]

[Mad for Ikki.]

[Mad at Athena.]

[Mad at the island.]

[Mad at himself.]

[Mad at everything.]

[How can it usually be so tempered? How can he enjoy this peace when his 1596 brothers are home thinking Ace and Thatch are gone forever?]

[But he's losing some of the intensity already.]

[It isn't fair and yet...]

Selphie's happier here.

[Maybe that'll make Ikki angrier and a million times worse; and so much the better. Or maybe it won't. But it needs stating either way.]

[His eyes narrow at the mention of Selphie, which is all the warning Marco gets before a punch is thrown his way.]

Why the fuck can't you control yourself? I know what this place tries to do, but how can you let it do it like that?!!

What about the wars back in your world? What about those two being gone there?!! What about the brothers that aren't here and don't have a father now?!! How can you just be happy and make flower crowns as if there wasn't anything better for you to do just because of this place?!!

[He doesn't mention Selphie. He ignores the comment about Selphie. If she's indeed happier on the island then they should just leave here there to root with a hundred of romantic novels for her to read and dream with.

Instead, he focuses on Marco, on how he notices him losing intensity as if he was a balloon with a leak. And that's what drives him angrier.]

[Good, that's what Marco needed.]

[He just takes the punch and then grabs Ikki's wrists, flipping him back over again.]

Do you think I can ever forget that?! Even for one second?! No matter what I do that carries with me deeper than any scar or mark!

I don't even understand the point of happiness when it's so fleeting! What am I supposed to say? 'Live free and be happy for tomorrow, ye all may die'?" I hate this place! It's pushing Thatch around, and no one has the right to do that! I wouldn't even let my Pops do that! And Namur can barely breathe for all the pollen! Ace is fuck knows where, and what have you been doing all this time?!

[Wrists trapped, resorting to headbutting, something he has less problems with than Marco.]

It sure fucking seemed that way with you being all "yay, Spring! Flowers om nom nom!"!! If we hate it this much why the fuck don't we just take a boat and leave until the rest is done in here?!

[He ignores the question about what he has been doing, it should be clear anyway. He has been alone. He has been ensuring that he's alone and not bothered. Other than a couple of brief interactions he has kept to himself even more than before the Selphie thing. And he has been very happy with it.

Until they arrived to this island.]

BECAUSE I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY!

[Growls and headbutts Ikki right back.] I won't run away from myself, or peace, or any of it! And the more I don't like it, the more I'd better face it! Because the next time I have to face it I won't have this extra spare time to deal with duckling baths and flower crowns, instead it might get someone killed so I have to do it now while I can!

Yourself? Are you telling me that your self is one that makes flower crowns, gives ducklings baths and is so fucking happy that he can't even stay angry or serious for more than one minute before you go all happy again?!!

Because let me tell you that being all fine and dandy with no worries is not myself!! And I'm fucking tired of this place and its people pushing me to be what I'm not!!

Maybe it's a part of me that I just don't want to face!

I'm tired of being pushed around too, but maybe that's what it means to live and survive! Push and be pushed! Kick and be kicked back!

A part that you don't want to face?! Sounds more like something you would use to run away from your real self!!

[And since you mentioned kicks, have one as well.]

You give me speeches about brothers and shit and now you claim that a part of you gives no fucks about any of that and just wants to play with ducklings and flowers the whole day? Just because this place's aura is pure and holy it doesn't fucking mean that it's good or any truth!!

[Guh, he actually stops at that and coughs hard.]

[Yeah.]

[He already broke down crying yesterday because of how much he didn't want to just forget his other siblings, his duty, the war, and yet, how a teeny tiny part of him did. His Pops wanted them to find peace, didn't he? But peace had to be fought for, and it wasn't that Marco wanted the peace, he wanted the others to have it.]

[Not that any of his brothers here wanted it, they were all twitchy about it...]

[Though none of them had completely reacted the way Marco did. Because none of them were a phoenix of course.]

[He coughs again before getting up and tackling Ikki all over again.]

So.

Fucking.

What?

Truth and good are overrated, but maybe I do just want to spend a day playing with ducklings and making flower crowns. Maybe I do want to forget about fighting a war on seventeen losing fronts and being the last defense between my brothers and certain doom. Maybe being stuck in this situation is shit! Fine, I wouldn't change it for anything, but if this is the only hand I've got the least I can do is bluff my way to a small fortune and I'll take whatever I can get! [Kicks Ikki back!]

[Ikki coughs and kind of doubles over himself, or at much as he can do in his current position and with Marco on top of him. He still snarls at the other, though.]

So it is a part of you that's just used to run away. So much for your claim of not running away, you just don't want to leave because here is where you can do that and forget!

Your only hand? Don't make me laugh! You're the one who is forcing the hand upon yourself just to run away even for a moment!!

[Nah, Marco just grabs a seat next to Ikki leaning with him for a second to think again.]

How can I run? It's not a new hand yet, and if I cash out, I'll lose.

[Maybe he's scared of losing though. Yeah, pretty much terrified of it. Losing is the worst.]

Phoenix instincts really hate this place, huh?

[Roughly pats Ikki across the shoulders and then punches him with another shove.]

[It's too confusing. Where there's life, there's death. But here it's it's all rebirth and obfuscated for those like Selphie who get to only see the new life, who don't have to carry the weight of the fallen. Who don't burn with each and every loss, with the agony of living a life bought and paid for by the blood of everyone gone. Or rather, though they know it... they're still free from its weight. Is it a weight he and Ikki choose to carry? Or do they do it because they must? Because someone should and they can? Or because it's there? Or because if they forget, who will remember? Who else will hold that pain?]

If we don't hold this hand, who will?

Lose what? What can you lose over not wanting to deal with this shit?!

[The way he sees it, it's by accepting this that they will lose. By letting the wounds close and the scars to fade, as if they had never been there. A happier life? A more peaceful one? The capacity to be "normal"? Who cares about those things? Who wants those things after everything they have dealt with? Of course it would be better that way, but how can he take that when the others can't? When Seiya is still in his world slowly dying, stuck in a wheelchair and unresponsive? When his brother is in the past fighting with Athena for a stupid and pointless hope of saving Seiya? How can he enjoy life when so many people who deserved better are now unable to because they died in those pointless wars?

What will be then of Esmeralda's death? Of the deaths of Kenuma and the other Black Saints who were stupid enough to follow him? Of the sacrifices of the Gold Saints? If he gave in, if he forgot and relaxed and healed all by himself... It would be the same as if those deaths never happened as if they didn't have a meaning or effect in his life. As if his life was just a book from which one tore away the pages they didn't like... As if there was no reason to despite Saori and Athena for what she did, for what she allowed to happen.]

Someone else will, forgetting about everything bad and losing oneself in stupid things isn't something that lacks people volunteering to do it. They even do it without the need of extra help like a place like this, just the excuse of it not being their world or whatever is enough for them. But that's their problem and their own stupid decision.

My siblings. The stakes are too high and I won't sacrifice that ever.

[Sits back to back with Ikki and leans his head on his shoulder.]

No.

We'll never forget. And I haven't forgotten, even now. It's intoxicating, but I'm not that far gone.

That's our pain, yoi. To drag all that into the future one way or another and not even a thousand springs or rebirths or renewals will ever change it. Ever.

[He closes his eyes, breathes deeply and quietly wishes he had a cigarette nevertheless.] Listen, eh. I don't know if others can't handle the past, or what, but we'll protect their ability to have times like this. Maybe because they need it, maybe because it's fragile, but what else can we do?

You and I will never forget the past, but whatever else we do, we have to make sure the others can keep moving into the future, whatever it takes.

[Ikki groans and ruffles his hair.]

Didn't you say that this place is pushing Thatch around and Namur is full of allergies? How is getting them and your own ass out of here earlier and wait for the others going to lead to losing them?

[Maybe Marco has moved on to another topic or was referring to something else and Ikki missed that part. It's possible, he's too busy being angry and snarling inside of himself at the aura of the place, wishing that it was Athena so he could just go and yell at her or even punch her if possible. Though she would probably back off and stop the moment he started moving towards her, realizing that he "wasn't ready yet", like always.]

So you haven't forgotten? It certainly doesn't look like that from where I stand when you start to eat flowers.

[He snorts at the last part, moving his head away even if the rest of his body stays where it is, supporting Marco's weight on his back and head on his shoulder.]

So what? We shut up about our discomfort and endure it while everyone else enjoys themselves? We indulge and give in to this shit so that it seems that even we enjoy it here?

Because they aren't all of my family. Leanne needs this place to restore herself, Naesala is doing better here too. And I need to face this part of me so that I can conquer it, yoi.

[Sighs, and reaches an arm back to ruffle Ikki's head in spite of the other man's attempts to move away.]

That's right.

Or maybe we tell them the truth, so they understand... so that they know it still hurts us to deal with the entirety of it all. Isn't that what it means to be us? Maybe there really shouldn't be joy without pain, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't ever be any joy either, aye?

[He leans his head back and lets out a long mournful note in phoenix, full of everything. The loss, the sorrow, the joy. Sometimes he felt like living on instead of the others was a punishment. But it would be disrespectful to the fallen to just give up and not to make the most of it, to refuse any kind of joy just because it was fleeting, just because it hurt.]

[He couldn't cry again, but he felt like he might as well be anyway.] To live on is the worst.

Oh, right. You adopted more siblings besides the ones from your world, forgot that.

[Or rather he didn't... Really think that Marco was serious about that. Rather that it was his way of being nice or something, make people feel like they belong to try to make it smoother for them since the general situation sucks already.]

I still don't think this is a part of you, though. Not when it comes out from fucking external forces. It's as if saying that people attacking and killing their own crewmates was also a natural part of them, and it wasn't, it was a bitch playing with their minds. Just as this place tries to do, I've enough experience with Athena trying to do it with me to know.

[Sure, it's "well intentioned" or so they claim. Ikki doesn't really believe so, especially in Athena's case. Just because something is "pure" and "holy" it doesn't mean that it's not bad intentioned and either way, as soon as it's something that forces others it loses any well meaning. It's just selfish and arrogant and if he could he would burn the whole island down, but seeing the others he would have to deal with everyone getting angry over it because they are too fucking stupid to realize that at the end of everything the island is playing the same mind tricks with them as the witch was. The only difference was that it isn't making them kill each other.

Yet.]

I don't give a fuck about a joy that is forced on me. I'm tired of that shit.

Ace will become a permanent ice man before they are capable to understand anyway, so I suppose it's the shut up and endure it option. Like always.

[And then people wonder just why he's so angry all the time. As if they wouldn't be if they had to bottle everything in so other idiots wouldn't get sad or be confused. Not that Ikki bottles things in often but he does it more than people would think, if he didn't... He probably wouldn't be wanted even by Marco.]

To live is the worst. To continue doing so is just a prolongation of it.

I dunno.

It's not just the joy. I think it's the peace I hate.

[Yeah. He can't reconcile that at all. Is peace what comes out of order? Is peace what heiromancers like Gideon Jura sought, or what the marines sought? Was it really? Marco always thought they just wanted death for people like him, and his family. But it wasn't just peace. Thatch wasn't nearly as violent as Marco but he was being pushed around too. What was it? What is it?] Order. Like the idea that all this is how it's supposed to be. Such shit.

[A deep breath and Marco lets it out through clenched teeth.]

Chandra said it's the community effect that's probably calling me. Us. [Because clearly it had called to Ikki too, or he would have just avoided it by staying on the ship.] That feel of life.

[He shivers.]

[Yeah the life part is pretty damn intoxicating.]

[As much as living is a bitch, new life with all its potential is a good thing, a thing that makes him happy. No more dirty ducks.]

Joy or peace, I don't care. If it's forced on me then it's meaningless.

[And because it's not being "forced in a good way", not when it's pushing someone around. Not when it's playing mind tricks on them. When it doesn't respect boundaries.]

Life... Makes sense.

[Because his natural and instinctive response is to burn it all down and destroy everything. Pretty much like when Guilty told him who his father was. Either destroy everything... Or destroy himself.]

It makes me feel like back when I learned who my father was. When I wanted to destroy everything or just be destroyed, whichever happened first.

[He feels the intoxication, but he's too scarred to answer the way Marco does, he doesn't have an actual bird form to refuge in. So he repels it and snarls and maybe that's why, in turn, it makes him feel as if he just wants to vanish, because he doesn't bow to it. It would be so easy, it would solve everything, he wouldn't have to deal with this island, he wouldn't have to deal with Selphie and her looking at him when she thought he didn't notice or turning around to avoid him at equal times, he wouldn't have to deal with memories and thoughts and worries. Even if it would be just for a few days, it would be real peace.]

Edited 2014-04-13 02:03 (UTC)

[He grabs Ikki's elbows with his own and takes another deep breath, letting everything sift through him, filter somehow. The rage, the hurt, the fucking everything.]

[It's too overwhelming really.]

[The twilight effect between life and death, the rebirth cycle, the way no one else teeters on it as much as a phoenix probably.]

[Another deep breath, and it's getting easier.]

[And harder.]

[Of course.]

[Like a yin yang spinning out of control, too fast to be black or white anymore, but not blended enough to be gray either.]

[And a third.]

[Just breathing.]

We can't though.

[Stop living. Give up. Let go.]

[They can't.]

[There's too much at stake and the hand they're playing is shit, but it's the only hand they've got.]

Just breathe, eh.

Like the volcano in reverse. [So much reverse. When a phoenix rests in a volcano, it means a hundred years of war. When a phoenix isn't allowed it's war, forced to rest in serenity like this... what does it mean? What does it mean?!]

[He won't let it though.]

[No one can touch his brothers, he won't let it.]

[And Ikki is his brother, even without having met Whitebeard. Even without having grown up on the Moby Dick or fought in the war to save Ace.]

[Because he needs him and they need each other.]

[So he won't let it hurt Ikki anymore.]

[He can't fully stop it.]

[But he'll shield it just every bit as much as he can.]

[Absorb it all like a shield as large as anything, to encompass his whole family.]

[He will, because he wills it, because he won't accept anything else, and because he's Marco. Marco the phoenix. The phoenix, the man who'll do anything for his family, whoever they are, wherever they are, no matter what they face.]

Just breathe.

[Maybe it's said for himself, maybe it's for Ikki, maybe it's to the forest to tell it to back off just enough, so it won't burn, so it remembers that not all flames are bad, and if it chokes out the oxygen from them, they can't breathe either and they'll die.]

[It's a symbiosis. The forest gives oxygen, Ikki and Marco burn it. But they can't burn the forest. They could, but they won't. So it's an ever spinning out of control power struggle.]

[Chandra said Marco couldn't see the mana, and it's true, he can't at all. But boy can he feel its effects. Like wind and oxygen. Spinning so fast.]

[Just breathe.]

[But it's seriously tempting. So tempting.]

I can, even if it's just for a while.

[Even if when he returns he may have lost something like Kairi did. It would be enough. It would be worth it.

Peace. Real peace. No wars, no people to protect, no worries, no emotions, no worlds, no gods. Absolute, unconscious peace. Nothing would hurt, nothing would try to heal what he doesn't want to, nothing would force him to do anything.

He would rise again, of course, from his ashes as always. Everything would start again, no, it would continue because for them it never ends. But goddess wouldn't a pause be bliss.

And it would be so easy too. And it wouldn't matter where he is, in this accursed island or in a volcano, the present or the past. Why doesn't he do it anyway? He will rise again, it will just be a short break, a break that he needs.

Then Marco would be able to return to his dirty ducklings. And the stupid forest wouldn't burn down. And no one would get angry. Who would? Over him taking a break? It's just better that way, if he can't win against them nor join them, what does he have left besides leaving? Even if it's for a while.]

I don't want to.

[He doesn't want to breathe. He doesn't want to live.

Just for a while. Just let him rest. Truly rest. Not this false joy and peace. Not the illusion that fools no one that they have in the ship as it sails in between troubles.

He's not cashing out. He's just taking a break. He will be back.

Just let him rest.]

We have to.

[He closes his eyes, it's not spinning that he can see it, but he can feel it as much as the soft grass beneath him, and hear the ducklings in the background. No more dirty ducks.]

[Where there's life, there's death.]

[Something has to give.]

[A small percent of all those flowers that he savagely cut and made joy out of and spread all over that he could. So the seeds could spread, so the feeling could spread. So that the other flowers had room to get big and drop their seeds for new places.]

[A small percentage of the animals had to be eaten too, didn't they?]

[Marco wasn't going to let any of the ducks, mothers, fathers, babies, any of them get eaten, but they were going to die. Someday. Eventually. Who decided it? No one, it just was. But for the life, the death had to happen, the bad had to be cleansed, purified in fire, purified in death to turn into regrowth.]

[So that's why Ace could eat. Ace would eat.]

[Let the others be free.]

[The ebb and flow of the tides.]

[Just breathing. More breathing. More of the pull and push of life. The oxygen and carbon dioxide. He'd give back the trees the carbon dioxide. And he'd take their oxygen.]

[And some of the flowers.]

I can't sleep.

[He hasn't slept since getting there and he's fairly certain he won't be able to until they go. He doesn't know what will happen if he tries. He doesn't know why it scares him to think about it. Would it mean an end? Would it be an end? No more twilight, no teetering on the exact brink of night and day. Instead sleeping would end the day and then what? He can't sleep. It doesn't matter when the night comes, he has to stay awake. The life continues at night, of course. The owls, the skunks, the night creatures, the flowers sleep, and the cycle continues, the other side not always seen except by half of the world. The undercurrent of the yinyang that helped pull it or push it or spin it over and over.]

I won't rest.

[He's not resting even now. Sitting there just breathing. He's not resting. It's a strange concept. But he can't afford to. He'll build birds' nests, he'll clean all the ducks, he'll eat all the flowers, but he won't rest. He can't.]

[It's a respite from the rest of the world. No marines or navy here. No politics, no Blackbeard. The death side of it all is hidden in that undercurrent in a way so few see, pushed down hard for those like Thatch and Natsuno who use the dark side of the yinyang. Tainted for those like Chandra who need chaos. But it's there, just hidden. Tamed down.]

[Phoenixes can't be tamed.]

[Not even by Whitebeard.]

[Not even if they want to be.]

Do you think Selphie wants to tame you?

[His thoughts are too piled up to even ask such a thing, much less without even trying to refine it. But he has to know. Has to ask. The ebb and flow. Without the push there's no pull. Equal and opposite forces.]

[He'll protect Robin, but how slow is too slow? If he goes as excruciatingly slow as possible he can make sure she won't get hurt, only him. But he'll be hurt no matter what so he can accept that. Is there a point that is too slow that it would even hurt her? How can anyone know?]

[Selphie's hurt, Ikki's hurt, and all he wants to do is fix it, like he wants to fix everything, as if such things can even be fixed so easily. As if he he can talk about it enough to find out what went wrong and fix it, as if that will work somehow.]

[But he has to try right?]

[The push and pull, they have to keep trying.]

[Because they can't stop. Not for anything. Not for love, not for life, not for death, because it's always the brink and something has to push it over.]

[He understands.

He knows.

They have to breathe. To live.

It's not a choice like sleeping or resting. He hasn't been sleeping either, he meditated, keeping this place at bay, fighting it because there's no way he can give in to it. He hasn't been eating either, not even by asking Zeff to use the kitchen. He won't trust even the food that comes from here until they are far away.

But a break would be so nice.

Peace.

Joy.

Don't like it? Don't live. Such a simple idea. A simple solution.

He will get up again, after all. What is there to lose?

Out of all the times in which one could die, wouldn't now be the best time? When there isn't a war going on. When no one is in danger.

Marco could eat his flowers and be happy. Selphie would be happy. Everyone would be happy.

Except Thatch and Namur due the allergies. But then all they would have to do is the same as him. All they have to do is burn and then everything will be fixed.

He doesn't have to protect Athena. He doesn't have to protect anyone. He doesn't have to fight, so why does he do it? All he has to do is to die.

Stop breathing.

Burn himself down... No, that wouldn't work. It wouldn't last long enough. Drown himself, turn off his flames completely. Let Davy Jones take him.

Just die.

But Marco isn't resting. He doesn't rest, he doesn't relax. But he gets his flowers and his ducklings. Isn't he happier this way? Ikki doesn't have it. He won't allow it for himself. He won't bath dirty ducklings, he will squeeze them to death, he won't make flower crowns, he will just burn the forest down. He doesn't want to give in.

He doesn't want to shut up about his hate for this place.

So him having to die is the logical conclusion, isn't it?

Isn't it?]

I don't give a fuck about what that kid wants anymore.

[A kid. Not a woman. Not even a girl. Just a kid, a selfish blind brat that only sees and hears what she wants to. That claims to be a mercenary but he has yet to see anything in her that proves that, she can fight, yes, but so can others and not all of them are mercenaries or soldiers. Did she want to tame him? Maybe, hadn't she once been talking about him as if he was a thing? A pet? Thinking that he wouldn't hear because she didn't see him. Playing the poor victim who had been dumped by a cold jerk who had never cared about her, who hadn't talked with her in weeks, leaving aside the fact that she was the one who left to chase after someone else during that time with no warning. But she could do it. It was fine if she did it, because she was Selphie, she was the princess of her own story, he couldn't do it, he had to keep her informed of everything, he had to talk with her everyday. He had to go after her, because otherwise it would prove that he didn't love her.

But he did. He had loved her.

Now?

Now she could burn in Hell for all he cared. He's not a damn knight in shining armor. He's not going to bow down to anyone who asks him to. He's not her pet. And he's not going to cater to her needs and demands.]

I want to kill something.

[Something.

Someone.

Himself.

Either. Everything. It doesn't matter.

The more this place pushes him to its peace and order, the more the phoenix inside him rebels.

Burn.

Just burn it all. Burn them all. Burn yourself.

Life is much more endurable when seen through the flames.]

I need to.

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