piratejournal | [written]

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[written]

searching for coral is boring
what do i know about diving and finding things underwater?
it takes forever
my mood is as black as this coral.
i wanted to do things this month
i was gonna recruit some new crew members
set sail
maybe search for treasure
now i can't.
on top of that my only crewmate disappeared
he's usually never gone for more than a few days
but it's been like
weeks now
what kind of captain has no crew?
i guess i'm gonna have to do the jack sparrow thing
i am a captain
it doesn't matter if i have no ship and no crew
i do have a ship though
it's a small one but at least it isn't sinking
i know how to sail it but i don't know how to navigate
who can read these maps anyway?
is anyone willing to take on an extra person to the fortress?
i have two pieces of black coral.

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hung a net on a rowboat and pushed it out
collected a shitload of black coral on it that way
though i had to cheat to actually find it
but whatever
frog god wouldnt give me time powers if he didnt want me to blatantly abuse them

shit i knew i was fucking this up
i went swimming like a pearl diver
only i wasn't looking for pearls i was looking for this black shit
picked each piece out personally by hand
it's fucking priceless
do you know how much it would go for on ebay?
this coral touched the hand of dave strider
i'd say it's worth at least a couple gs.
how is your crew holding up?

well the cheating part involves going back in time to when the coral dislodged
i mean it only floats up
so its easier to find that way
but fuck touchin it by hand
even if it means blessing an unholy abomination with the purity of my glorious clammy palm

yeah i can't do the cheating part
don't have the right codes.
so i guess it has to be everything the hard way
got no choice but to personally bless this slimy sea waste with my magnanimous touch
it's like i'm a fucking bishop over here
i'm not wearing the robes or the big pointy hat though
because seriously fuck that shit.

at your own risk dude
gotta admit it doesnt smell bad when theres a little bit of it
but the shit stinks like rotten eggs if it sits in the sun and theres a lot of it

yeah i'm not letting the sun touch it
got it in a bag in the cabin
shit's safe there.

shame you cant recruit out here while youre at it dude
seems like everybodys probably gonna be in on stormin this musty old witch castle
fuckin prime targets left and right but theyre all taken]
worlds worst double date upcomin

don't think anyone would want to join me when I smell like saltwater.
the fortress isn't prime recruiting grounds either
but speaking of double dates I sorta signed us up for one
there was this guy named kaoru and he said he had a twin
so i was like
the four of us should hang out sometime
we doubles got to stick together
it'd be considerably less shitty than the musty witch castle.

dude fuckin everybody smells like saltwater
its like the only thing weve got to do other than
stashin gold chugging rum and pulling eyes out to justify shady lookin eye patches
but uh
wouldnt really be a twin party seeing as were the same dude
unless that kaoru dude had another kaoru hangin around from an alternate dimension
in which case wed have way too much in common
but hey hangin out would be cool
not like im going completely insane having nobody who shares my common interests around
not in the least

i figure a pair of twins are as close as we're gonna get
we could ask around
see if anyone else has an alternate from another dimension
but most people won't even know what the fuck we're talking about.
besides kaoru is cool
and i'm pretty sure he's from our time
or close to it
at least he knows what a movie is
how can i tell people i'm a big shot director when they don't even know what a movie is?
it's like they don't even exist here
i feel so sorry for these medieval bastards
how can they live without my movies?
how can anyone?

dude i cant even imagine a world where im lauded enough to be regarded as a 'big shot'
without the sarcastic quotes anyway
like my bumbling gyrating ass is barely tolerable in retrospect of my own stupid bullshit from what
three years ago
i went digging around the museum du my room just before i got here
just before my life flashed before my eyes i struggled for thirty seconds trying to figure out what a paleontologist was
pretty sure my own inane bullshit interests and my lame attempts at ironic representations of hipsters backfired massively
i mean some of it was genuinely funny and ultimately nothing but pure gold but the rest made me feel the same despair an entire family feels when their patriarch contracts a terminal illness
im grown up dude but
its like i fell down the stupid stairs and busted my neck on every goddamn step
and i was fuckin warned repeatedly

it was so sweet the first time i saw my name up in lights
picture this dude
sbahj the movoie
with ben stiller as sweet bro
owen wilson as hella jeff
donald glover as geromy
i had an up and coming actress play sweet bro's mom
but i swear once our makeup artists were done with her she looked like amy winehouse
i even had pamela anderson make an appearance as the foxy slunt
would've used paris hilton
but i didn't want to work with her even for a 5-minute scene
got some sick footage of tony hawk in there too.

goddamn
that is the fucking
worst thing ive ever heard in my life
i love that whole idea
from beginning to end
like the worlds perfect story

that was just the first film
it was such a hit i started churning out sequels every year
at least until the batterwitch killed ben stiller
thought i was fucked because who could ever replace him?
maybe adam sandler
he looks like shit with stubble but that's the point
don't know a damn thing about hanukkah though
so i recycled old footage of ben stiller instead
then she killed donald glover and i was like
oh hell no
this means war
you are going down bitch
and the icp is going with you.

see that guys pretty awesome but
i dunno
not 'start a war' awesome
i guess id have to meet him or something
but i gotta ask
did you release the movies on vhs instead of dvd
that was always my plan
at least in my childish fantasies

you didn't hear his acceptance speech at the academy awards
it was so touching everyone bawled their eyes out
his death was a national fucking tragedy.
thought about it
maybe i would have if they were just movies
but i had all kinds of anti-crocker corp stuff in there to counter the subliminal messages the batterwitch put in her products
it was kind of important for people to watch them
so i made the movies available in every format i could think of
vhs dvd blu ray
jpeg artifacts at maximum resolution
the pixelization gets even shittier if you watch it in high-def.

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