piratejournal | [003]

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I am the least of the swimmers on this ship. Lord Motochika and Master Rin make me feel quite inadequate in that area; if needs be I could swim to save my life, but with no great speed and for no great distance.

[Now that Mitsuhide's ship is out at sea he has plenty to keep him occupied, but there are still moments when his emotions bid him stop and think for a moment; this entry is written rather than spoken because, frankly, it's the darker emotions that threaten to overwhelm him today and he knows it would be audible in his voice. The post is almost a way of trying to distract himself.]

Many years ago, when my Lord and I were children, he was forever trying to encourage me to step into the waves. If not for him I would probably have no sea-swimming experience at all. Lord Motochika taught me much, despite the fact we were rarely able to see one another,

It is odd to think that here, in this world and only after a month or so, we have spent more time together than we did over many years back in Japan.

[...]

You know, Lady Madoka, I think I do rather like the idea of birthdays after all. Celebrating the fact that those you care for are alive can only be a good thing.

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[Hajime, of course, opts for a spoken response and her unfailingly upbeat voice rings loud and clear over the journal.]

I know whatcha mean about swimming! I don't even go to the beach that much and all the boys on my crew are in swim club. I even had to build a tub for Harukitty on the ship because he likes water so much. Sometimes I think I should ask for swim lessons! Maybe you just need practice!

Oh! But what I really want to talk about it birthdays! I think you're absolutely right! Birthdays are really important, even if you don't have a cake or presents. Sometimes people forget just how much you think about them and care about them, so it's good to have one special day where you can show them! Of course, you should just show them all the time, but birthdays are still special somehow! When's your birthday? I think I'm gonna make a list!

[A response in voice means Mitsuhide is obliged by his sense of politeness to also do so, which is something he'd hoped wouldn't happen; nonetheless, the young woman's energy and upbeat manner ensures that he at least attempts to sound calm in order not to dull it.]

[It doesn't really work; he sounds, at the very least, incredibly tired and quiet.]

Swimming is an essential skill in our situation, but... I honestly don't think I could get much better than I am. Lord Motochika has a feel for the water; he understands it well, knows how the currents and the tides work. Back home he would go swimming in fast flowing rivers and move through them without a care, when most would be swept away.

[Goodness! It's almost hard to keep up.]

I have heard this 'cake' was customary, but I was not aware of the presents. [Mitsuhide makes an almost thoughtful sound, and is momentarily distracted before Hajime's question drags him back into the moment.] Oh, I... my birthday?

[The 'solemn, dignified' samurai embarrassed, because the idea of someone celebrating his life? It makes him feel both incredibly awkward and incredibly, well... unworthy. Undeserving.]

My next year will not be completed for some time yet.

[Dodging the question, perhaps?]

D'ya want me to guess? Hmmmmm...[She tries to remember what girls in her class have said about horoscopes. It's not something she follows herself, but it's a popular topic of conversation. "Not for some time yet" is probably sooner than "not for a long time" and later than "in a little while," so that lowers it down a bit...

She's seen this guy's entries in the journal many times and he always seems quiet and kind of sad and he never talks about himself without talking about his friend, too, so he seems like someone who's very attached to people and relies on them a lot. What month was that supposed to match up with again...?]

March! Is it in March? Did I get it right?

[She had something she wanted to say about Haruka and his swimming, but the promise of a riddle to puzzle out has erased it from her mind completely. It's been a while since she's had a question to answer that was harder than "OH MY GOD HAJIME WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"]

I... no, I did not intend to make you guess. Forgive me.

[Mitsuhide sounds sincere and genuinely apologetic; perhaps he ought to have been honest, despite his misgivings. This young woman seems to be a caring sort, if she is asking for the birth date of a stranger. He is undeserving of such attention, but she doesn't deserve to be confused.]

[Hmmm.]

[Mitsuhide is not sure why she guessed that particular month, but it gives him a clue to what kind of calender she is using, at least; the same as the Western traders.]

It's one month later than that.

Wow! I was so close! [She sounds quite pleased with herself.] Don't be sad about it! I had fun guessing. I won't make you guess mine, though, since I'm gonna tell everyone soon, anyway.

OH! I almost forgot! What you said about your friend sounds an awful lot like Harukitty. I had to build him a tub on the ship because he loves water so much! Before we set sail, the cap'n was afraid he was going to jump in the ocean and we'd never find him again.

He has water sense, then... and a strong love for water that perhaps surpasses even Lord Motochika, from the sound of it.

[Which is saying something. Motochika was probably able to swim before he could walk, and Mitsuhide always got the feeling that being parted from the sea for too long would bother him deeply.]

[There is an element of fondness in Mitsuhide's voice when he speaks next, somewhere amongst the downcast tone.]

It seems to me that true water sense is something you are born with.

You might be right. It's their ocean and we just swim in it, huh? Makes sense! It's kind of like how some people like living in the city and some people can't handle all the noise and the people. I'm a city person and Harukitty is an ocean person!

That sounds right.

[A pause, and Mitsuhide sighs deeply.]

I'm not sure what I am, in truth. Cities are fine but occasionally too much, and I cannot rightfully call myself a man of the sea, though I would try to be for Lord Motochika's sake.

[Defining himself is more difficult a task now than it ever was before. He barely thinks himself worthy of a name, so any kind of proper identity...]

You have to keep looking until you find the right place! Sometimes it finds you, too, but you can't expect it to. You just have to keep going until you know it's right.

[...and that comment actually makes Mitsuhide incredibly thoughtful.]

I...

[It's not obvious why, but with that his voice becomes almost overwhelmingly sincere and grateful.]

Thank you.

No problem!

[This choking sound from the journal? You're imagining it.

Holy Harukitty, Batman...]

Your reluctance was an obstacle that I knew we would overcome -- I refused to leave you ashore, despite your misgivings.

To have you beside me in this world is a priceless gift.

You overcame it through pure stubbornness, Lord Motochika. Do you remember how long it took to get me past waist-deep in the water?

[Priceless gift... if Mitsuhide weren't so resistant to actually crying, now as much as ever, that comment might have made him shed tears. As it is he inhales softly and has to take a moment to compose himself before continuing. A short time later:]

Lord Motochika, I am undeserving.

I remember. [No doubt Mitsuhide can imagine the fondness with which Motochika recollects their shared memories. And doubtlessly Mitsuhide recognises the conviction with which Motochika writes what follows.]

You are deserving, Mitsuhide.

Edited 2013-10-15 22:03 (UTC)

[These next words are a little less neat than Mitsuhide's previous.]

You think more of me than most.

[That, of course, is something that Motochika notices.]

I know you better than most.

Something which cost you dear, in the memories I have.

I will never regret our friendship, whatever my fate may be.

[...]

Even though I still feel undeserving, your care for me despite everything warms my heart.

[Rather than another written reply, what Mitsuhide receives this time is physical company: Motochika enters their room with his shamisen in hand. He sits down close to Mitsuhide and rests his gaze upon his friend, whose current state comes as no surprise given their conversation.

In lieu of speaking, Motochika instead lays his shamisen across his lap and begins to play, intent upon lifting Mitsuhide's spirits.]

[It's not a surprise to see Motochika return to their shared space after such a conversation; Mitsuhide lifts his gaze when his friend enters, though that eye contact is not maintained for more than a few moments.]

[He is sat crossed-legged with his hands in his lap, long hair loose and half-brushed and his journal set to one side. Some of the responses to his entry have been... interesting, to say the least, and Mitsuhide's mind is full of thoughts. Not enough to distract him from his mood, however, or the deep guilt that fills his heart right now.]

[Mitsuhide says nothing for a while, closing his eyes and letting the music wash through him. It's a familiar and beloved kind of comfort. When he finally speaks, his voice his soft and slightly pained.]

You go above and beyond for my sake.

[Motochika softens his music to accomodate their conversation, continuing to play as they talk.]

I do not deny it.

[Of course... of course. Mitsuhide sighs, and shakes his head. The samurai knows how his friend will react to what he says next, but he feels like he needs to say it anyway.]

You shouldn't.

[Mitsuhide doesn't expand on the comment, leaving everything that could follow unsaid. No doubt Motochika knows what those words would be, anyway.]

[Motochika does indeed know, a fact which echoes in his expression. He speaks with conviction.]

That is my choice to make.

[Nor does he hesitate to add with blunt earnesty:]

And one that I make gladly.

[Mitsuhide does not even try to make Motochika's gaze when he makes his next comment. He can't. It would be too much.]

Don't let that choice lead you to your end again, Lord Motochika.

[My heart would surely stop if you did.]

[So maybe it's a little while later that Rin sees Mitsuhide in person. He doesn't feel like writing the guy back when they're on the same ship - he doesn't feel like writing at all, for that matter. And he really doesn't care, so it's not like there's any urgency.

But he'll still ask, when they're face to face and doing something - anything - that will distract from the conversation.]

I didn't know you two've known each other that long.

[Ship care is important, and it's one of the more menial things they have to see to right now. The most basic of tasks are often the most important, however, and Rin and Mitsuhide both can learn from it.]

[Rin's comment was obviously brought about by Mitsuhide's earlier post, and is probably the part the samurai will feel most at ease talking about. He continues to work as he talks, brow furrowed slightly but a ghost of a smile somewhere on his face.]

Oh, yes; since our early childhoods.

[He can remember that day well, despite his young age at the time. It had been an exciting time for a young boy; there had been feasts and dances in honour of their visitors.]

Lord Motochika's mother was of the Saitou clan, whom my family served when I was young. She brought him with her when she came back to visit her family, once, and we formed an instant bond despite our rather... different personalities.

[A beat, and Mitsuhide adds:]

He pushed me into a garden pond.

[A pond?! Rin glances over to judge by Mitsuhide's expression if it's a joke, even though he knows the guy well enough by now that it doesn't seem likely.]

Nice.

[Especially picking on the serving family. Well, Rin really can't complain; it's not like he was a perfect child, himself. The world is lucky that he put all his energy into swimming and training from an early age.

And maybe Rin's a bit -... Well, not jealous, but curious. Different choices can lead so many different places.]

Well, he thought he was doing some good by doing so.

[Mitsuhide sighed softly, though he laughed a little afterwards. It was classic Motochika; his way of approaching situations was often very different to that of others.]

[Direct, blunt, straightforward. Treating the impossible as possible and tearing down hesitation where he saw it.]

My mother had lost her favourite comb in that pond earlier in the day and I wished to retrieve it for her. However, I knew I would get reprimanded for getting myself soaked so thoroughly for such a thing.

[Of course, stripping down to his undergarments might have averted that fate, but even now you wouldn't find Mitsuhide going into the water in less than his underkimono. 'Modest' didn't do justice to it.]

I was hesitating, so he came along and decided to help me. In his own way.

[The snort Rin gave wasn't entirely disapproving, much as he tried to make it that way. He could understand frustration with hesitation, really - not that he'd ever be that direct to settle it, himself.]

Did it work?

[It wasn't the question he'd meant to ask, somehow both more and less than what he wanted to know, but there it was. It contained a measure of attempted sarcasm that might or might not manage to hide the fact that Rin was genuinely curious, to some degree. If he needed an excuse for himself, he'd say that there was not enough to distract him from his thoughts in this world. He trained religiously, using any and all parts of the ship remotely useful that way, but there was nothing but menial labor for the rest, no studies to keep his brain busy.

And he did like Mitsuhide - in as far as Rin liked anyone. The man had shown him understanding, and had taken him into an otherwise experienced crew that could have probably done better. Rin appreciated it more than he could (let alone would) ever say.]

In a manner of speaking. He jumped in afterwards, and together we found the comb. In my enthusiasm to return our prize to my mother, however, we left a soaking trail through the castle and were indeed reprimanded for it.

[Mitsuhide wouldn't search for an excuse to the question, nor consider its tone. That wasn't in his nature. Judging Rin in any manner was not something he would do unless the young man did something truly bad, and he had faith that such would not happen.]

[Nor would he ask about his history unless prompted by Rin himself. Motochika was less likely to adopt that kind of attitude, but that was not a concern right now. Mitsuhide could focus on teaching and protecting their charge.]

[Laughing quietly, Mitsuhide shook his head a fraction, paused in his task and looked up at the sky.]

Not badly, though, and afterwards Lord Motochika and I spent every moment we could together before he returned to Shikoku.

[Mitsuhide could not have known just how much of an impact Motochika would have on his life back then, of course.]

[His smile fades a little.]

In our era, it is rather difficult to sustain such friendships. Keeping in touch over such distances for informal matters is not an easy thing to do.

Yeah, I guess not...

[There were times when Rin wondered if he should have kept in touch with Haru and the others after he'd moved to Australia, but he'd been so focused on his training that it had never even occurred to him. Besides, he'd wanted to become better, to surprise and impress them all if and when they might swim together again, if only for fun.

It hadn't really turned out that way.]

You're pretty lucky to have ended up here together. Are you sure you want to go back?

[That question has a very visible effect on Mitsuhide; his smile now disappears completely, and he lets out a shaky breath before he continues to speak. Back home, there is no Lord Motochika. Lord Motochika is dead, having fallen in battle for Mitsuhide's sake.]

There is nothing back home to return to, so... no, I have no desire to return.

[His gaze drops, expression becoming incredibly troubled.]

But I cannot put myself ahead of everyone else. I sail and fight so everyone who wishes to return to their home will have the chance to do so.

[Mitsuhide's reaction is unexpected - or at least the seriousness of it is. Rin wonders just what's so bad about the guy's home world, but he's not going to ask. He is, however, going to keep a close eye on things. If Mitsuhide doesn't want to go back, and maybe Motochika doesn't either... they'd damn well better still be going after those shards and getting Rin home.

But any doubts Rin might have developed about that dissolve when Mitsuhide keeps talking. Another snort is swallowed, and he shakes his head a little.]

Samurai... Just like all the stereotypes, huh?

[It's half mocking, but not at all disapproving. He should doubt things more, be more careful, but for some reason it's extremely hard not to trust someone like Mitsuhide. It's nice, knowing that someone's looking after Rin.

Not that he needs it or anything.]

[Stereotypes? That comment gives birth to new thoughts in Mitsuhide's mind, bringing up questions he had pondered many times before but had not been the focus of his attention for quite some time.]

[Slowly, Mitsuhide gets back to work again.]

I am often told I am very traditional, but...

[Honour and the samurai's code. That code marked him as a traitor for turning against his Lord, but Mitsuhide had been told that the very same set of rules bid him protect the innocent, and those who could not defend themselves from those that meant them harm.]

[He had always believed in both unquestionable loyalty to one's master and acting as a protector, but the two had come into conflict on his chosen path.]

[What did that mean?]

Over time I have learned that what is generally regarded as the traditional behaviour of a samurai is not, perhaps, the most common kind.

[There are a lot of things Rin's wondering about, but he's decided long ago to keep some distance from other people. In some cases, like now, there is a factor of politeness at play, but largely it's a matter of focus. He needs to focus on accomplishing his dream; it's hard work, and the slightest distraction could put it forever out of reach.

It's not that he doesn't care about other people. Their lives are just separate entities from his own.]

Well, you'd know that better than me. There aren't exactly a lot of you guys around anymore...

[He doesn't even think about what he's saying, it's such common knowledge to him.]

[That's not the first time Mitsuhide's heard such a comment, and so he is... a little prepared for it. The idea of the role he was born to and raised to be true to dying out is strange, but.]

A world with few samurai is a world with less war.

[He shakes his head, lets out a shaky breath.]

[The path ahead is going to be a difficult one, Mitsuhide knows that much. Difficult thoughts, difficult questions, difficult tasks and decisions....]

Such a future is more than likely one to be welcomed.

Yeah, it's not that bad.

[Funny... The state of the world is not something Rin's ever really thought about - except perhaps for a specific assignment or two in school. He's not heartless, much as he often seems to be, but there's no point in worrying about things you can't change anyway. Much better to focus on what you can.

And, really, the world isn't that bad. Rin's world isn't.

With a shrug, he gives up on even considering the question.]

Still, nothing's perfect.

Rin's on your ship?

[ HE IS RELIEVED TO KNOW HE IS SOMEWHERE EVEN IF IT MEANS HE'S NOT IN MAKOTO'S HEART. ]

He's a very good swimmer.

Yes, indeed he is.

[Mitsuhide feels a little puzzled; if Rin has people from his world here, then why is he not with them?]

He has already given a demonstration of his skill to us; he is faster overall than Lord Motochika, which is a great achievement, though he does not have the same level of water sense. You are his friend, then?

Ah! Yes.

[ He thinks for a moment and then comes to the conclusion that YES. YES THEY ARE FRIENDS. ]

He is a friend of mine so I'm happy to know he is safe somewhere.

[That's... odd. Mitsuhide won't question Rin about this, but he may just bring it up in a casual manner in a future. Hmm.]

I am surprised he did not wish to join you on your ship, then. But you may be assured that we are watching out for him; Lord Motochika and I are experienced samurai. Eventually we hope to train him in the use of a rifle, that he might be better equipped to defend himself too.

[ Isn't so sure about Rin using a gun...... ]

Thank you for watching out for him then. He's probably safer with you guys than he would be with us.

Why is that? Are you not safe on your ship?

[There are so many inexperienced sailors out there, goodness. Mitsuhide has to worry about them all!]

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