[Smoker just puts the cigar in his own mouth and smokes, and thinks, and is annoyed about thinking, and is annoyed that "it" exists, and like fuck does he have words and --]
[A sigh.]
[What does Straw Hat want?]
["Everything." No wonder with something so vague like that he's lost.]
[Smoker's half tempted to say as much. "You still don't know what you're looking for."]
[But he's said it before, why bother saying so again?]
[It's not fun. Maybe it would be if Straw Hat found the right person, but clearly that isn't something that can be forced or sped up, and Smoker really does NOT want to be that person. He can't begin to wrap his head around it. He doesn't want to either. He wants it to go back to how it should be, but it probably never will. Maybe it was never how it should "be" from the minute he first laid eyes on the brat, even before the wanted poster.]
I'm sorry for confusing you.
[He gets up and heads outside. It's true, and he doesn't regret anything, but he hates it all the same. There's not a single aspect he doesn't hate of it.]
[From that they are who they are, and they both have to go their own paces, to every single stupid bit of it. He hates the kid's smile for reminding him of Roger. He hates that he hasn't seen the smile in too long, and he hates that he's noticed that. He hates that they're not quite enemies, and he hates that justice is so warped that they're almost on the same side of justice while opposite sides of the law. He hates his duties, and obligations, and the fact that the idea of being friends with a pirate bothers him so much. Is that a weakness, or is it being friends with a pirate which is weaker? It doesn't matter, and he'll never be able to call it such anyway. He still wants to arrest Luffy, and he doesn't hate that, he just hates that he can't do that here.]
[He hates that Smoker considers himself a hunter, and that he even wanted to help the idiot find some sort of clarity... and it's not like Smoker has any for himself, so yeah right, how could he have helped him with it?]
[He hates that his own head won't shut up. That he's on this stupid ship for some reason he can't fully justify to himself, much less to others, and that he's looking for something he doesn't know what yet. Clarity? Satisfaction to curiosity? An answer he'll never get.]
[It doesn't matter.]
[Maybe he's just trying to push his own limits, to see how much he can stand, or how much he can get away with with himself, or how much freedom he has away from the brass. He half wishes Tashigi was around to reign him in. Or at least try to knock sense into him. Or give him reason not to be stupid. Maybe he's extra stupid lately because it doesn't seem to matter anymore. He's branded as a pirate no matter what he says or does, the amount of justice he can choose between seems narrower everyday...]
[Maybe they're both just lost.]
[Smoker hesitates, debating going back to find Luffy again, or going up to the crow's nest to breathe or...]
[He opens the door so Luffy can hear, but stands outside so that Luffy can choose to pretend to ignore him if he wants.]
You make your own meaning for that kind of thing. If you think it's stupid, it's always going to be stupid. [Which is why no one should try this with Smoker. It would always be stupid.] It's like... [He rubs his forehead trying to come up with a good explanation, an analogy even Luffy can get.] An adventure. [He scowls. What is his life coming to?] Maybe the payoff is worth the risk, or maybe all you'll get out of it is an experience and time with the people you share it with, but that's risk you take. [More knuckling his forehead.] I guess that kind of thing is important to you, because you want all the adventures, right? [Switches to rubbing his temples.] But I don't. I just want to make the world a better place. [Justice. Fit in...? No. But to fulfill his duty maybe. In protecting others.]
["I'm not adventurous." He can't say that. Partly out of pride, and partly because it's not true, and if he tried, it'd be too transparent. It's not that he's not adventurous, he's just a million kinds of messed up, and he just wants some things to make sense, which is not going to happen for him on a god damn pirate ship, surrounded by pirates, in yet another pirate world.]
[So there's no real answer for Luffy, but maybe there doesn't need to be one either. It's not like Smoker can't stop him when it comes down to it. After all, that's his job, isn't it?]
[action]
[Whatever "it" is.]
[Smoker just puts the cigar in his own mouth and smokes, and thinks, and is annoyed about thinking, and is annoyed that "it" exists, and like fuck does he have words and --]
[A sigh.]
[What does Straw Hat want?]
["Everything." No wonder with something so vague like that he's lost.]
[Smoker's half tempted to say as much. "You still don't know what you're looking for."]
[But he's said it before, why bother saying so again?]
[It's not fun. Maybe it would be if Straw Hat found the right person, but clearly that isn't something that can be forced or sped up, and Smoker really does NOT want to be that person. He can't begin to wrap his head around it. He doesn't want to either. He wants it to go back to how it should be, but it probably never will. Maybe it was never how it should "be" from the minute he first laid eyes on the brat, even before the wanted poster.]
I'm sorry for confusing you.
[He gets up and heads outside. It's true, and he doesn't regret anything, but he hates it all the same. There's not a single aspect he doesn't hate of it.]
[From that they are who they are, and they both have to go their own paces, to every single stupid bit of it. He hates the kid's smile for reminding him of Roger. He hates that he hasn't seen the smile in too long, and he hates that he's noticed that. He hates that they're not quite enemies, and he hates that justice is so warped that they're almost on the same side of justice while opposite sides of the law. He hates his duties, and obligations, and the fact that the idea of being friends with a pirate bothers him so much. Is that a weakness, or is it being friends with a pirate which is weaker? It doesn't matter, and he'll never be able to call it such anyway. He still wants to arrest Luffy, and he doesn't hate that, he just hates that he can't do that here.]
[He hates that Smoker considers himself a hunter, and that he even wanted to help the idiot find some sort of clarity... and it's not like Smoker has any for himself, so yeah right, how could he have helped him with it?]
[He hates that his own head won't shut up. That he's on this stupid ship for some reason he can't fully justify to himself, much less to others, and that he's looking for something he doesn't know what yet. Clarity? Satisfaction to curiosity? An answer he'll never get.]
[It doesn't matter.]
[Maybe he's just trying to push his own limits, to see how much he can stand, or how much he can get away with with himself, or how much freedom he has away from the brass. He half wishes Tashigi was around to reign him in. Or at least try to knock sense into him. Or give him reason not to be stupid. Maybe he's extra stupid lately because it doesn't seem to matter anymore. He's branded as a pirate no matter what he says or does, the amount of justice he can choose between seems narrower everyday...]
[Maybe they're both just lost.]
[Smoker hesitates, debating going back to find Luffy again, or going up to the crow's nest to breathe or...]
[He opens the door so Luffy can hear, but stands outside so that Luffy can choose to pretend to ignore him if he wants.]
You make your own meaning for that kind of thing. If you think it's stupid, it's always going to be stupid. [Which is why no one should try this with Smoker. It would always be stupid.] It's like... [He rubs his forehead trying to come up with a good explanation, an analogy even Luffy can get.] An adventure. [He scowls. What is his life coming to?] Maybe the payoff is worth the risk, or maybe all you'll get out of it is an experience and time with the people you share it with, but that's risk you take. [More knuckling his forehead.] I guess that kind of thing is important to you, because you want all the adventures, right? [Switches to rubbing his temples.] But I don't. I just want to make the world a better place. [Justice. Fit in...? No. But to fulfill his duty maybe. In protecting others.]
["I'm not adventurous." He can't say that. Partly out of pride, and partly because it's not true, and if he tried, it'd be too transparent. It's not that he's not adventurous, he's just a million kinds of messed up, and he just wants some things to make sense, which is not going to happen for him on a god damn pirate ship, surrounded by pirates, in yet another pirate world.]
[So there's no real answer for Luffy, but maybe there doesn't need to be one either. It's not like Smoker can't stop him when it comes down to it. After all, that's his job, isn't it?]