piratejournal | [Voice & Written]

Joy or peace, I don't care. If it's forced on me then it's meaningless.

[And because it's not being "forced in a good way", not when it's pushing someone around. Not when it's playing mind tricks on them. When it doesn't respect boundaries.]

Life... Makes sense.

[Because his natural and instinctive response is to burn it all down and destroy everything. Pretty much like when Guilty told him who his father was. Either destroy everything... Or destroy himself.]

It makes me feel like back when I learned who my father was. When I wanted to destroy everything or just be destroyed, whichever happened first.

[He feels the intoxication, but he's too scarred to answer the way Marco does, he doesn't have an actual bird form to refuge in. So he repels it and snarls and maybe that's why, in turn, it makes him feel as if he just wants to vanish, because he doesn't bow to it. It would be so easy, it would solve everything, he wouldn't have to deal with this island, he wouldn't have to deal with Selphie and her looking at him when she thought he didn't notice or turning around to avoid him at equal times, he wouldn't have to deal with memories and thoughts and worries. Even if it would be just for a few days, it would be real peace.]

Edited 2014-04-13 02:03 (UTC)

[He grabs Ikki's elbows with his own and takes another deep breath, letting everything sift through him, filter somehow. The rage, the hurt, the fucking everything.]

[It's too overwhelming really.]

[The twilight effect between life and death, the rebirth cycle, the way no one else teeters on it as much as a phoenix probably.]

[Another deep breath, and it's getting easier.]

[And harder.]

[Of course.]

[Like a yin yang spinning out of control, too fast to be black or white anymore, but not blended enough to be gray either.]

[And a third.]

[Just breathing.]

We can't though.

[Stop living. Give up. Let go.]

[They can't.]

[There's too much at stake and the hand they're playing is shit, but it's the only hand they've got.]

Just breathe, eh.

Like the volcano in reverse. [So much reverse. When a phoenix rests in a volcano, it means a hundred years of war. When a phoenix isn't allowed it's war, forced to rest in serenity like this... what does it mean? What does it mean?!]

[He won't let it though.]

[No one can touch his brothers, he won't let it.]

[And Ikki is his brother, even without having met Whitebeard. Even without having grown up on the Moby Dick or fought in the war to save Ace.]

[Because he needs him and they need each other.]

[So he won't let it hurt Ikki anymore.]

[He can't fully stop it.]

[But he'll shield it just every bit as much as he can.]

[Absorb it all like a shield as large as anything, to encompass his whole family.]

[He will, because he wills it, because he won't accept anything else, and because he's Marco. Marco the phoenix. The phoenix, the man who'll do anything for his family, whoever they are, wherever they are, no matter what they face.]

Just breathe.

[Maybe it's said for himself, maybe it's for Ikki, maybe it's to the forest to tell it to back off just enough, so it won't burn, so it remembers that not all flames are bad, and if it chokes out the oxygen from them, they can't breathe either and they'll die.]

[It's a symbiosis. The forest gives oxygen, Ikki and Marco burn it. But they can't burn the forest. They could, but they won't. So it's an ever spinning out of control power struggle.]

[Chandra said Marco couldn't see the mana, and it's true, he can't at all. But boy can he feel its effects. Like wind and oxygen. Spinning so fast.]

[Just breathe.]

[But it's seriously tempting. So tempting.]

I can, even if it's just for a while.

[Even if when he returns he may have lost something like Kairi did. It would be enough. It would be worth it.

Peace. Real peace. No wars, no people to protect, no worries, no emotions, no worlds, no gods. Absolute, unconscious peace. Nothing would hurt, nothing would try to heal what he doesn't want to, nothing would force him to do anything.

He would rise again, of course, from his ashes as always. Everything would start again, no, it would continue because for them it never ends. But goddess wouldn't a pause be bliss.

And it would be so easy too. And it wouldn't matter where he is, in this accursed island or in a volcano, the present or the past. Why doesn't he do it anyway? He will rise again, it will just be a short break, a break that he needs.

Then Marco would be able to return to his dirty ducklings. And the stupid forest wouldn't burn down. And no one would get angry. Who would? Over him taking a break? It's just better that way, if he can't win against them nor join them, what does he have left besides leaving? Even if it's for a while.]

I don't want to.

[He doesn't want to breathe. He doesn't want to live.

Just for a while. Just let him rest. Truly rest. Not this false joy and peace. Not the illusion that fools no one that they have in the ship as it sails in between troubles.

He's not cashing out. He's just taking a break. He will be back.

Just let him rest.]

We have to.

[He closes his eyes, it's not spinning that he can see it, but he can feel it as much as the soft grass beneath him, and hear the ducklings in the background. No more dirty ducks.]

[Where there's life, there's death.]

[Something has to give.]

[A small percent of all those flowers that he savagely cut and made joy out of and spread all over that he could. So the seeds could spread, so the feeling could spread. So that the other flowers had room to get big and drop their seeds for new places.]

[A small percentage of the animals had to be eaten too, didn't they?]

[Marco wasn't going to let any of the ducks, mothers, fathers, babies, any of them get eaten, but they were going to die. Someday. Eventually. Who decided it? No one, it just was. But for the life, the death had to happen, the bad had to be cleansed, purified in fire, purified in death to turn into regrowth.]

[So that's why Ace could eat. Ace would eat.]

[Let the others be free.]

[The ebb and flow of the tides.]

[Just breathing. More breathing. More of the pull and push of life. The oxygen and carbon dioxide. He'd give back the trees the carbon dioxide. And he'd take their oxygen.]

[And some of the flowers.]

I can't sleep.

[He hasn't slept since getting there and he's fairly certain he won't be able to until they go. He doesn't know what will happen if he tries. He doesn't know why it scares him to think about it. Would it mean an end? Would it be an end? No more twilight, no teetering on the exact brink of night and day. Instead sleeping would end the day and then what? He can't sleep. It doesn't matter when the night comes, he has to stay awake. The life continues at night, of course. The owls, the skunks, the night creatures, the flowers sleep, and the cycle continues, the other side not always seen except by half of the world. The undercurrent of the yinyang that helped pull it or push it or spin it over and over.]

I won't rest.

[He's not resting even now. Sitting there just breathing. He's not resting. It's a strange concept. But he can't afford to. He'll build birds' nests, he'll clean all the ducks, he'll eat all the flowers, but he won't rest. He can't.]

[It's a respite from the rest of the world. No marines or navy here. No politics, no Blackbeard. The death side of it all is hidden in that undercurrent in a way so few see, pushed down hard for those like Thatch and Natsuno who use the dark side of the yinyang. Tainted for those like Chandra who need chaos. But it's there, just hidden. Tamed down.]

[Phoenixes can't be tamed.]

[Not even by Whitebeard.]

[Not even if they want to be.]

Do you think Selphie wants to tame you?

[His thoughts are too piled up to even ask such a thing, much less without even trying to refine it. But he has to know. Has to ask. The ebb and flow. Without the push there's no pull. Equal and opposite forces.]

[He'll protect Robin, but how slow is too slow? If he goes as excruciatingly slow as possible he can make sure she won't get hurt, only him. But he'll be hurt no matter what so he can accept that. Is there a point that is too slow that it would even hurt her? How can anyone know?]

[Selphie's hurt, Ikki's hurt, and all he wants to do is fix it, like he wants to fix everything, as if such things can even be fixed so easily. As if he he can talk about it enough to find out what went wrong and fix it, as if that will work somehow.]

[But he has to try right?]

[The push and pull, they have to keep trying.]

[Because they can't stop. Not for anything. Not for love, not for life, not for death, because it's always the brink and something has to push it over.]

[He understands.

He knows.

They have to breathe. To live.

It's not a choice like sleeping or resting. He hasn't been sleeping either, he meditated, keeping this place at bay, fighting it because there's no way he can give in to it. He hasn't been eating either, not even by asking Zeff to use the kitchen. He won't trust even the food that comes from here until they are far away.

But a break would be so nice.

Peace.

Joy.

Don't like it? Don't live. Such a simple idea. A simple solution.

He will get up again, after all. What is there to lose?

Out of all the times in which one could die, wouldn't now be the best time? When there isn't a war going on. When no one is in danger.

Marco could eat his flowers and be happy. Selphie would be happy. Everyone would be happy.

Except Thatch and Namur due the allergies. But then all they would have to do is the same as him. All they have to do is burn and then everything will be fixed.

He doesn't have to protect Athena. He doesn't have to protect anyone. He doesn't have to fight, so why does he do it? All he has to do is to die.

Stop breathing.

Burn himself down... No, that wouldn't work. It wouldn't last long enough. Drown himself, turn off his flames completely. Let Davy Jones take him.

Just die.

But Marco isn't resting. He doesn't rest, he doesn't relax. But he gets his flowers and his ducklings. Isn't he happier this way? Ikki doesn't have it. He won't allow it for himself. He won't bath dirty ducklings, he will squeeze them to death, he won't make flower crowns, he will just burn the forest down. He doesn't want to give in.

He doesn't want to shut up about his hate for this place.

So him having to die is the logical conclusion, isn't it?

Isn't it?]

I don't give a fuck about what that kid wants anymore.

[A kid. Not a woman. Not even a girl. Just a kid, a selfish blind brat that only sees and hears what she wants to. That claims to be a mercenary but he has yet to see anything in her that proves that, she can fight, yes, but so can others and not all of them are mercenaries or soldiers. Did she want to tame him? Maybe, hadn't she once been talking about him as if he was a thing? A pet? Thinking that he wouldn't hear because she didn't see him. Playing the poor victim who had been dumped by a cold jerk who had never cared about her, who hadn't talked with her in weeks, leaving aside the fact that she was the one who left to chase after someone else during that time with no warning. But she could do it. It was fine if she did it, because she was Selphie, she was the princess of her own story, he couldn't do it, he had to keep her informed of everything, he had to talk with her everyday. He had to go after her, because otherwise it would prove that he didn't love her.

But he did. He had loved her.

Now?

Now she could burn in Hell for all he cared. He's not a damn knight in shining armor. He's not going to bow down to anyone who asks him to. He's not her pet. And he's not going to cater to her needs and demands.]

I want to kill something.

[Something.

Someone.

Himself.

Either. Everything. It doesn't matter.

The more this place pushes him to its peace and order, the more the phoenix inside him rebels.

Burn.

Just burn it all. Burn them all. Burn yourself.

Life is much more endurable when seen through the flames.]

I need to.

[Another deep breath, like he's breathing in the starlight of the all the universe, and burning with it, like he'll explode with all the life in the air, all the life and death and burning and explosions and peace and war in his lungs, in his veins, in every fiber of his being.]

[She is a child.]

[But Ikki still cares.]

[Marco knows it.]

[He wouldn't be mad and hurting if he didn't care.]

[And that's why it bothers him.]

[He wished he knew how to help it.]

[Wished he could explode.]

[Ace explodes sometimes, but Marco never has before.]

[Marco doesn't explode, he just burns. When something has to be destroyed, he gets rid of it.]

[No mercy.]

We will.

We'll hunt down every last marine that touched this crew, that hurt Kairi, and we'll kill them so they'll know to never ever touch this family again.

[Family. Are they family? It hasn't been as long as Marco's used to calling his family members such. And he doesn't count Kairi on the same level as Leanne or Haruta, even though Kairi has been with them longer than Leanne. So isn't that unfair?]

[It doesn't matter. She doesn't have to be a little sister to be family. She's nakama. It's enough.]

[And vengeance is something he gets.]

[Ikki's violence had scared Selphie, wasn't it? And he was mad with himself for how he could still wind up hurting her in other ways.]

[So he hurt himself to try to keep her from being hurt more.]

[All messed up.]

Together. You and me.

No kids allowed.

[Because Marco wasn't going to just break necks.]

[He was going to send a very violent and very gruesome message.]

[And worse? He was going to enjoy it.]

Aggressive birds...

That what's Chandra said.

Phoenixes are really aggressive birds.

We don't like this.

[Such an understatement. He hated it. Hate it so much. Couldn't let Ikki go though, because he needed him. And he didn't care that it was selfish, because it wasn't a selfishness he afforded himself, that the world afforded him, but it was part of being a phoenix. And that meant that the other phoenix had to understand. Had to. And so Marco could stay strong for Ikki but he'd demand Ikki stay just as strong for his sake too.]

We'll take all this. And we won't forget. And when hunt down those marines, we'll use every second of this to make them hate it too.

[Revenge. He can handle that. A lot. That's his peace. It's not peace or order by way others might recognize it, but it was its own existence and he'd make it happen.]

...It's this island. It has to be.

[But he's not gonna come down and deal with it, someone else will have to.]

[Marco is so fucking messed in the head that even his deadpan is lacking some of the bite.]

[It's actually kind of sarcastic now instead of just deadpan.]

You think?

I know it is. I've got my own problems. I want to leave, but I can't really do anything about that.

Do you want to go with Thatch and Namur on a rescue mission?

I can't get anywhere near that island. If it's on the island, forget about it. I'm in the crow's nest.

[It's about as far away as he can get.]

No, there's going to take a small rescue group away from the island to the division five prison base to get Espio free from the marin-- navy.

It'd get you away from the island's pull.

Good, because it's a real pain to talk with my fangs hanging out.

[Nevermind the constant fear, but there isn't anything he can do about that.]

Talk to Thatch and Nam-chan.

And I'll give you a good luck flower crown.

[Because Marco has decreed the rescue party is to look gorgeous as representatives of the Spades.]

[Sadly.]

I'll pass. I don't want any evil flowers near me.

You'll take it.

[Dude, he's gone off the deep end. Just throw it in the ocean later and he won't even notice.]

You know, I think I'll just stay up here.

[Maybe his voice wavers a little and he grumbles.]

[Reading his words brings a smile to Elissa's face.]

Your Pops seems to be a wonderful man. I would like him, I am certain. He sounds like a man with a big heart to have created family for so many of those in need of it. That is quite admirable and your words are a glowing testament to his success.

You have reminded me that family can exist beyond the bounds of blood. It is a much-needed reminder for me this time of year.

Weakling.

[Hear that scoff?]

[Yeah that's at you.]

[Pansy vampire.]

[Sure the island is driving him insane, but he's still facing it like a... bird.]

I'm not a weakling!

[You just don't understand Marco. Every inch of him is screaming get out, get out, get out.]

What happens at this time of year?

[But he's giving you the way out!]

Oh?

[It's a testament to how fucked up Marco is right now that he said that exactly like Shanks does.]

[And didn't even notice that enough to react with revulsion to himself.]

[At least Thatch wasn't around to catch it.]

[At the cost of touching a Holy item.]

[No thank you, Marco.]

I can't explain it, and I can't go near the island. That's all there is to it. Or anything from the island, I can bet.

A sad remembrance. In a few weeks, it will have been two years since I lost my family. I was too busy fighting a war to make much note of it last year which is probably for the best. Thus far, the approaching time causes me to struggle a bit with memories of the event.

I miss them.

I see.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It was my Pops' birthday just last week. They say it gets a little easier with each year. Do you think that's true?

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